The touch of his lips was cold. Being so close, Huo Youqing could see every detail of Dai Yixin’s overly long eyelashes, swaying like water plants in a still pond, hiding danger beneath the surface.
Tears suddenly spilled from Huo Youqing’s eyes. He forcefully wiped his lips, pressing his lips together tightly. With one hand, he wiped the tears from his cheek.
Dai Yixin’s words had filled him with unprecedented despair. Perhaps he really was like the butterfly in amber from the science class.
No matter how much he struggled, his fate was to be trapped in amber, transformed into a seemingly lifelike specimen, preserved for others to admire and play with.
Turning his head away, he let the moonlight fully illuminate his face. “If you can’t do it, then I will. If I can’t get rid of you, I’ll end my own life.”
As if sensing what Dai Yixin was about to say, he turned his face back. “When I was eighteen, I’ll go back and end my life. You won’t be able to stop me.”
He had thought about death many times, but his cousin had already lost their aunt and uncle. What would happen to his cousin if he were gone too?
But if he went back to being eighteen and ended it all, maybe he could draw a line under these nine years of entanglement. Everything might be different.
At eighteen, his aunt and uncle hadn’t been in the car accident yet. His cousin wouldn’t have to shoulder all the burdens alone. They would grieve his death, but they would still have each other.
Dai Yixin’s expression shifted slightly, as if he couldn’t comprehend Huo Youqing’s words or his decision. He asked quietly, “Why?”
“Why are you asking me why?” Huo Youqing laughed bitterly, unsure if he was laughing at himself or at Dai Yixin. “You have a mental illness, so you’ll never understand what I’m thinking. You love me, so I can’t have anyone else in my life. Maybe I should feel grateful that you let my cousin stay. But I’ve always wanted to ask: Is my cousin’s girlfriend one of your people?”
Dai Yixin didn’t deny it. He lowered his gaze and held Huo Youqing’s hand, which had just wiped away his tears, pressing the fingers against his own pale, bloodless cheek. He acted as though he were a pet, and Huo Youqing was the owner stroking his skin. The touch of his fingers against Dai Yixin’s cold skin felt as eerie as touching a snake.
Huo Youqing was just about to pull his hand away when he heard Dai Yixin say, “I know I was wrong, and I regret it, but I…” He paused for a moment. “I often can’t control myself.”
His eyes lifted, the light-colored irises nestled within the dark lashes, resembling the gleaming, eerie beauty of amber.
“You always leave me. There are always so many people around you, and I envy them. I envy that they can have your smiles and your kindness.”
That year, when he waited for Huo Youqing at the airport but never saw him return, he missed him terribly. When he was taken back and confined in a cage so small he could barely turn, for seven whole days, even as he confessed his sins word by word to his father, he missed Huo Youqing.
He wanted Huo Youqing.
The thought grew stronger with each passing day and night of longing.
No matter what, he needed Huo Youqing to stay by his side. As for the pesky bees around the rose, they all needed to be chased away.
Looking at Huo Youqing’s face, devoid of any emotional response, Dai Yixin suddenly remembered when they first met in country M. In his mind, there were two sets of memories, one growing increasingly hazy. Yet, he could vaguely recall that back then, Huo Youqing wasn’t so resistant to him.
He remembered deliberately getting hurt once, and Huo Youqing had genuinely seemed worried at the time. But now, there was nothing left.
Dai Yixin let go of Huo Youqing’s hand, and his eyes seemed faintly red. “If you dare to kill yourself, I will make sure certain people go down with you.”
Huo Youqing finally showed a trace of anger, but before he could speak, Dai Yixin affectionately pressed a finger to his warm lips. “Don’t get angry so quickly. I just don’t want you to die. Wasn’t I less unbearable nine years ago? If I let you go, could you treat him a bit better? At least let him be your friend.”
Huo Youqing was stunned for a moment, then realized what Dai Yixin was saying. But instead of feeling relieved, he only thought Dai Yixin was deceiving him again.
Dai Yixin had already withdrawn his finger and stood up from the edge of the bed. His gaze lingered on Huo Youqing’s face, as if trying to memorize it, fearing he wouldn’t be able to see it again.
After what felt like a long time, he turned to walk toward the door. But before reaching it, he suddenly spun around, swiftly pulling Huo Youqing into his arms, capturing his lips in a forceful kiss. Huo Youqing trembled with anger and fear but was powerless to resist.
Two minutes later, Huo Youqing closed his eyes, unable to hold back the tears that slipped from the corners of his eyes. The crystal-clear droplets were accidentally caught in Dai Yixin’s mouth, making him pause for a moment. The grip he had on Huo Youqing loosened slightly.
When Huo Youqing opened his eyes again, Dai Yixin was no longer in the room. He didn’t take Dai Yixin’s words seriously, hastily wiping his lips with the back of his hand, then turned over and tried to go back to sleep.
The next day, Dai Yixin was gone.
At first, Huo Youqing didn’t think much of it. But when his cousin came over, joyfully yet curiously asking why Dai Yixin wasn’t around, he suddenly realized that Dai Yixin had been missing for a whole week.
