Chapter 103
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He blinked slightly, then raised his hand again, rubbing Little Yin’s head. “Little Yin, don’t be afraid.”
“Brother.” Little Yin started crying, “Can you hear me? Do you understand what I’m saying?” “Brother will save you. Little Yin, don’t give up—”
“I don’t want you to save me!”
The sharp voice echoed in the ward for a moment. “Brother, I’m going to die. Don’t you understand the situation now? The doctor said I’m going to die soon. Why, why aren’t you crying? What should I do, what should I do…”
“I will find a way.” The teenager lowered his head, and a few strands of hair covered his eyebrows.
The voice remained gentle.
“You don’t need to worry about anything. Just try your best to survive the surgery. The rest, your brother will figure out a way. Little Yin, you are my last relative in this world. You must live, you must.”
“Brother, brother.”
Shen Yin cried, reaching out with her small hand, pulling Shen Chu’s arm, and covering his hand back with the intravenous tubing. “My lungs were seriously damaged five years ago. I won’t live much longer. Even if I survive this time, the next time, I will still die—brother, you’re different. You’re healthy, and you’re smart. Without me, you’ll live better. Brother, be strong, don’t do those foolish things for me anymore. I’m okay, I’m not afraid of death at all…”
“If this time, I die.”
Shen Yin’s icy hand tightly held his little finger.
“You must, come out.”
The warm sunlight spread on the hospital bed, the tears in the girl’s eyes were crystal clear and beautiful, gradually falling, and her mouth opened and closed, as if she said something.
His heart seemed to be stabbed by something, and he could hardly breathe.
Cold sweat continued to pour out from his back.
Those disjointed and trivial memories gradually connected.
One scene after another, all filled with intense pain.
The sound of pressing the pen stopped.
The doctor handed over a tissue, Shen Chu lowered his head, only to see tears wetting a large area of his clothes from his chin.
“How is it? Have you remembered something?”
Shen Chu didn’t speak, only tears kept falling, staring blankly and silently. In the dim room, there was only the low sobbing of Little Yin.
“I remembered, I remembered…” Shen Chu muttered, “Little Yin, I remembered the last time we met before your surgery when you said those words.”
“What?” Little Yin hasn’t come back to her senses.
What she said was, ‘If only you hadn’t saved me. If from the beginning to the end, only you survived, it would have been better. You should have had a happier life.’
Now, that sentence sounded like a heart-wrenching pain. He couldn’t imagine how he, at that time, could calmly and silently absorb all those words.
“Why, why don’t I remember those things? Why is there a gap in my memory? I, I’m just a little afraid of blood, and also claustrophobic. I…”
The doctor raised his hand and turned off the desk lamp. The cool breeze of the summer night flowed in. Dr. Chen held the window handle and gently turned it. “Now, I’ll try closing the window. Don’t be afraid, adjust your breathing, slowly, slowly sink into that memory, try to see how much you can overcome the palpitations.”
The feeling of confinement struck again.
He felt as if his heart had been gripped, and for a moment, he couldn’t breathe.
“Come, don’t be afraid, take a deep breath.”
“Breathe out… Yes, breathe out…”
‘A Xie, don’t look at the blood, look at me… just breathe…’
In Dr. Chen’s words, a sudden and abrupt voice was mixed.
It was as if he had suddenly lost control, completely losing the ability to breathe. Dr. Chen couldn’t do anything but open the window again. Fresh air blew into the room, and he pressed his forehead, lowering his head.
Just now—
It was Jiang Yanchi’s voice.
“Miss Shen, don’t worry too much.” The doctor pushed his glasses. “Mr. Shen did indeed relapse. Currently, I don’t understand why he relapsed. However, his condition is much better than it was back then.”
“Is that so?” Shen Yin’s eyes were swollen. She glanced at Shen Chu and then stood up, following the doctor to the desk, asking carefully, “Is he really much better now? But he fainted yesterday, just because of being in a confined space…”
“What happened? Dr. Chen, what’s going on with me?” He interrupted Little Yin’s words. “Why is my memory inconsistent, why…”
“The human brain is very sophisticated. Mr. Shen is a medical student, so he should know some things. The deep-seated psychological trauma from childhood is too heavy for the brain to bear and regulate. Your post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a manifestation of trauma—Mr. Shen’s mother committed suicide twice, once by charcoal burning and once by wrist cutting. So, your corresponding syndrome is claustrophobia and hemophobia. These are the sequelae produced by your brain being unable to repair itself after injury.”
Dr. Chen calmly explained, but his expression was not grave.
His gaze kept moving between Shen Chu and Shen Yin.
The doctor continued, “The stress-induced trauma also brought symptoms similar to your mother’s depression at that time—suppressing and cutting off negative emotions. This also leads to the blurring of memories associated with excessive negative emotions. It’s a self-rescue measure of your brain when emotions face the threshold of collapse. This forced self-mutilation, in addition to the localized memory blur and emotional suppression, also brings a not very obvious symptom, which is emotional cognitive impairment.”
“What?”
Shen Chu could hardly believe that Dr. Chen was talking about himself.
“Yes. The patient’s emotional fluctuations are often forcibly interrupted, especially negative emotions. For example, after being bullied by an opponent, there will be no anger, no anger when betrayed by a friend, no sadness when missing opportunities. At the same time, it is also difficult to develop emotional dependence on others, expectations, being moved, and other positive emotions.” Dr. Chen pushed up the glasses on his nose. “This, more than ten years ago, was very severe for you. Your teachers also gave me feedback. You were extremely unsociable. Your behavioral motives were always different from ordinary children. But from the current perspective, it has improved a lot compared to back then. Mr. Shen, did you do any psychological counseling or therapy somewhere before…”
“No, my brother has never had psychological counseling.” Shen Yin also seemed to find it strange. This was the first time she had heard the doctor describe Shen Chu’s condition in such detail, and it didn’t sound like something easily curable.
But indeed, back then, he had recovered without any psychological counseling or treatment.
“That’s a bit strange. Perhaps, the person has received some stimuli beyond the normal range. Likes, dislikes, fears, sorrows… continuous, long-term influence on emotional fluctuations, constantly elevating the range of emotional fluctuations…”
“In summary, I’m glad. Even if your condition relapses, it’s not as severe as it was over a decade ago. Once emotions have been torn open, as long as you cooperate by taking some medicine and undergo some beneficial psychological counseling, you’ll recover quickly.”
Shen Yin clasped her hands together, pressing them against her forehead, wiping away the moisture from the corners of her eyes with determination. “Really, is it true? Thank you, thank you, Dr. Chen…”
“Brother, did you hear that? He said even if you relapse, it’s not serious. Brother…”
Shen Yin’s voice suddenly weakened, observing Shen Chu’s expression. “Brother? What’s wrong with you?”
“I just heard Jiang Yanchi’s voice.”
“Jiang Yanchi?”
Shen Yin frowned. “…Who is that?”
Shen Chu, recalling what the doctor had just said, vaguely sensed that something was wrong.
After a long silence, he pointed to the window across from him. “Go, close it.”
Shen Yin was astonished. “What are you talking about?”
“Close the window.” Shen Chu said decisively. “Don’t worry; I’ll be fine.”
“Or wait until tomorrow when you see the doctor…”
“Little Yin, trust me.”
Shen Yin looked at her brother’s eyes at this moment. After hesitating for a moment, she nodded firmly. “Okay, if you feel very uncomfortable, I’ll count to three. If you don’t respond, I’ll open it again.”
The window closed once again.
The pain, as if his heart were being squeezed, struck him again.
He tried to inhale and exhale. At the same time, he captured those fragmented and blurred memories.
On the bed, the young man tightly embraced him from behind.
“Because I like you, I cater to your preferences. If you like killing, I’ll kill for you. If you want to protect, I’ll protect for you.”
He saw the smile on the young man’s face, full and bright, even with a hint of shy blush.
Yet, he still expressed his overflowing feelings. As if afraid that saying one sentence less would make the other party not understand.
“I just want to make you happy.”
Although it was a summer night, it seemed as if he was blown by the biting winter wind of the Great Wei snow night, with a momentary chill spreading over his heart.
This was the night before he died.
He remembered.
This was the night when he revealed his identity about Xu Chunmu and died in Jiang Yanchi’s arms.
He heard Jiang Yanchi approaching his ear, a smile on his lips, and starlight in his eyes.
As if somewhat afraid of disturbing his sweet dreams, he could only speak hesitantly, soft and bitter.
“Ah Xie, have you ever liked me?”
Like a child who couldn’t get candy no matter how spoiled.
The tone was full of sighs.
“A little bit is good, did you?”
His heart was stabbed bit by bit. The pain gradually intensified, making him lose his breath for a moment, and he curled up on the bed, his clothes soaked in cold sweat.
Seeing this, Shen Yin immediately opened the window again and hugged Shen Chu tightly from behind. “Brother, brother! It’s okay now, the window is open. Look, it’s open, everything is fine…”
But he couldn’t hear his sister’s voice.
The emotions surging from the memories completely submerged him from head to toe.
He transmigrated to become the sinfully infamous Chu Zhangyin, he controlled the politics of the Great Wei for several years, ruling like a king and causing trouble.
Shen Chu had always known that he, dressed as Chu Xie, would eventually die. A cunning person burdened with a cruel destiny and entangled in many debts could not possibly survive.
But in this inevitable situation of certain death, there was someone who went to great lengths to save him.
But he didn’t know.
From the beginning, he had wanted to die.
In the end, even to fulfill the original Chu’s wish.
He had to use that dying wish.
It imprisoned the joys and sorrows of Jiang Yanchi in this lifetime.
Trapping him for the rest of his life in that palace with golden carvings and jade, confined within the scarlet high walls of the sky, ensnared in the power struggles of the imperial authority.
Chu Xie’s fate remained unchanged; he still died in the deep winter of the year when Jiang Yanchi ascended the throne.
But Jiang Yanchi’s fate.
Was completely changed.
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