Du Xiu Chapter 33

Once the contestants finished getting their makeup done in the dressing room, they headed to the recording studio in the broadcasting hall.

On stage, the logo for The Stand-up King Season 2 still hung high. The only difference was the colorful light board on the left, which displayed the five themes of the themed competition. During recording, whenever a corresponding group took the stage, the matching theme light would also light up, like neon signs flickering on a city street at night.

Each official recording session would be edited into several episodes. For example, the breakout round alone would be split into 2–3 episodes. After today, the themed competition would also be edited and released one theme at a time, to be uploaded to Lingguo Video.

In the waiting area for contestants, Scallion strode in with his head held high. For the first time, he didn’t sit with Chu Duxiu and Wang Nali, but instead plopped down beside Nie Feng. Putting on an air of arrogance to mark his distance, he refused to even glance at the other two, deliberately turning his head the other way to avoid looking at them.

Nie Feng was amused by his exaggerated pantomime and said, “What’s gotten into you now? Why are you acting like a big rooster?”

“Competition comes first, friendship second,” Scallion declared. “Today’s themed round is all about attack!”

Everyone glanced at Chu Duxiu, then burst into laughter, teasing, “So the friendship’s over, huh? Turned enemies already?”

Scallion kept up the theatrics. With a flourish of his orchid fingers, he struck a dramatic tone. “Wang Nali, I’m giving you a chance. You can still switch sides now.”

Wang Nali, seated next to Chu Duxiu: “?”

Wang Nali said, “Other people have duck voices—you sound like a full-blown rooster, and you’re giving me a chance?”

“Don’t be fooled by how tough some people seem on stage,” Scallion shot a sideways glance at Chu Duxiu. “Offstage, she’s never even dated anyone. Not a single joke about relationships.” He mimed painting his nails, then blew on them dramatically, saying smugly, “You think I don’t know her?”

Everyone was loving the drama and egging it on, gleefully chanting, “Fight! Fight!”

Hearing Scallion’s bold declarations, Chu Duxiu raised her right hand, thumb and pinky sticking out, and launched a comedic counterattack. She glanced slyly at Scallion, then held her hand to her ear like a phone and began miming a call.

“Hello? Tofu? You really let Scallion talk about you on stage every day? You’re so kind, so generous,” she said in a pitiful tone. “If I were Scallion, I’d never do that. I couldn’t bear to make jokes about you—I’d only want to protect you.”

As soon as she said that, waves of laughter rippled through the contestants’ area.

“Alright, alright, very good,” Scallion wasn’t angry—he laughed instead. “Then today, we’ll fight for love!”

In the corner of the stage, the three “laughter representatives” also made their appearance. Luo Qin and Su Xinyi were familiar faces, while the third was a new guest representative. Not far from the contestant area, they could faintly hear the bursts of laughter coming from over there.

“What’s going on?” Luo Qin looked around. “Why is everyone laughing before the show even starts? And they’re laughing so hard.”

Su Xinyi crossed her arms and pretended to be annoyed. “Are the contestants telling jokes behind our backs? Are there punchlines the laughter reps aren’t allowed to hear?”

After a bit of playful banter, the two gave a quick explanation of the themed round rules and moved the recording process forward.

Luo Qin said, “The themed competition is about to begin. The first theme is When Love Takes Over Your Brain, with five contestants competing for three spots to advance.”

Su Xinyi announced, “Let’s welcome our first contestant—Scallion!”

The theme light board on one side of the stage lit up. Except for the fourth row, “When Love Takes Over Your Brain”, which shone brightly in vibrant colors, the other boards were dim and blended into the backdrop. On stage, the beams of light narrowed slightly, focusing on the standing microphone.

Energetic, passionate music began to play as Scallion bounced onto the stage. He held up the microphone, still wearing his black-rimmed glasses and a light blue plaid shirt, and was the first to bow to the audience. “Hello everyone, I’m Scallion!”

Thunderous applause followed. Wang Nali clapped while quietly whispering, “I’m rooting for you, but he really was impressive at open mic that day.”

“This is his strongest topic, bar none,” Chu Duxiu said helplessly. “It’s okay—he’s taken one qualifying spot, there are still two left. I can fight for those.”

The themed competition’s draw was fairly balanced. The top ten from the breakout round were evenly distributed; apart from Wang Nali’s group, which was full of strong contestants, the competition in other themes wasn’t as intense.

Chu Duxiu wasn’t guaranteed to be first in her group, but as long as she didn’t end up in the bottom two, she could still advance smoothly.

She watched Scallion’s performance closely, observing her opponent’s skills.

“Today’s theme is When Love Takes Over Your Brain, and I feel like this topic was made just for me,” Scallion adjusted his glasses and said seriously. “First, I want to explain—Scallion is my stage name. Don’t get the wrong idea, my surname isn’t Xiao.”

“The name comes from the couple names my girlfriend and I use. My gaming name is ‘Scallions Mixed with Tofu’, and hers is ‘Tofu Mixed with Scallions’. To simplify, I’m Scallion, and she’s Toufu,” he explained. “But after we started dating, I realized that the dish ‘Scallions Mixed with Tofu’ just doesn’t sit right— it’s not me mixing the tofu… it’s the tofu mixing me!”

Laughter quietly rose from the audience.

“I started doing stand-up comedy because one night, Toufu and I went to a bar to watch a show. There was this comedian on stage ranting about his girlfriend—how she loved spending money, idol-chasing, you name it. Just going off, one thing after another.”

“Then suddenly, Toufu turned to me and said, ‘I think you’re funnier than him.’” Scallion paused for a few seconds. He clenched his fist and gave it a little shake, then suddenly sped up his delivery:

“I panicked, you know? Do you get it? The show was mid, so I couldn’t tell if she was actually complimenting me… or low-key warning me using what the guy on stage was saying.”

“That dude was going hard, okay? For a second, I thought—bro’s not doing comedy, he’s venting all his relationship rage… except his girlfriend wasn’t there to hear it. Mine was.”

“Now, force is mutual, right? But my guy clearly targeted the wrong object. His verbal violence missed his girlfriend… and got absorbed by mine—and then transferred directly to me. And you know what verbal violence turns into next? That’s right: physical violence.”

“But who am I? I’m a man with a strong survival instinct.”

Suddenly, Scallion lowered his head, shyly tugged at the hem of his shirt, twisting his body like a bashful teenager, and said in a soft, cutesy voice:

‘Babe, come on… how could I ever say something like that about you? I’m not like those other guys—two-faced, fake as hell, always putting on an act.’

Then, without missing a beat, he snapped back to a straight face and mimicked his girlfriend:

‘Yes! Yes! That’s exactly the vibe—I think you’re funnier than him. You could do it better.’

“And that… is how I got into stand-up. And how I got my stage name.” Scallion shrugged. “What is love-brained, you ask? This is love-brained. To stop stand-up from ruining my relationship… I had no choice but to get on stage and ruin stand-up instead.”

Bang—

A spotlight lit up on stage—one of the laughter reps had hit the light, triggering a burst of cheers and commotion in the room.

Wang Nali sighed appreciatively, “Steady rhythm, steady rhythm.”

Chu Duxiu calmly leaned back, “Very good. Force is mutual—his force transferred to me as psychological pressure.”

Bei He praised, “It’s funny. It’s all thanks to Ms. Lu, who’s trained so many strong opponents for us.”

Lu Fan replied, “No way. I think he got it wrong—love-brained won’t ruin stand-up comedy, slackers will.”

Bei He: “?”

“My earliest jokes were all about my girlfriend. To the point where other comedians, after hearing them for a while, once asked me, ‘Are you the Yasuo and Riven of stand-up comedy?’”

Scallion said, “Others are fighting with their wives in the Summoner’s Rift; you’re talking about your girlfriend on the comedy stage.”

“I said, ‘Yeah, so what? If you don’t agree, go ahead and ban Yasuo and Riven.’”

“Look at today’s theme: When Love Takes Over Your Brain. Haha, silly you — you haven’t banned me, but the production team banned you.” Suddenly excited, he threw his hand up proudly and looked toward the contestant area. “All of you, pick Yasuo and Riven! League of Legends Duo Mode!”

Luo Qin laughed heartily and hit the light, and the atmosphere on stage was excellent.

“I do admit I’m a bit love-brained. Even when I occasionally meet my girlfriend’s roommates, it feels like visiting the in-laws—like meeting the parents of your fiancée. That’s how college relationships are: everyone gets together and has a meal. Of course, her roommates are very polite.”

“They don’t talk about me to my face. Instead, when I’m not around, they secretly ask Toufu, ‘So, is he really the one? What do you like about him?’” Scallion lowered his voice to imitate them.

“My girlfriend is also great. She’s usually two-faced—one thing to my face, another behind my back. But when other people are around, she actually gives me face and said, ‘I like his sense of humor.’”

“Then everyone laughed, and I could really feel the comedy-loving culture in their dorm. They’re all super good at doing stand-up!” He gave an approving thumbs-up. “Because her roommate said, ‘Honey, you’re even funnier than your boyfriend.’”

Laughter filled the studio, and the audience relaxed.

Chu Duxiu watched the performance intently, having to admit that Scallion’s opening was strong. His clownish act was quite impressive, and maybe it even helped set the tone for those who followed.

What surprised her was that, listening to Scallion’s jokes today, she suddenly heard a familiar name.

Scallion said in a mournful tone, “But recently my girlfriend stopped complimenting my humor. I think she doesn’t like me anymore. One time, she came to see my show—it was an open mic—and after we left, we ran into other comedians on the way.”

“She suddenly asked me, ‘Can you give me Duxiu’s WeChat?’”

Chu Duxiu: “?”

Scallion pretended to be puzzled. “I was stunned and asked, ‘Why?’”

“She said, ‘Her stand-up is really good.’”

“What? What what? What what what?” His face fell apart, and he shouted hysterically, “You don’t love me anymore? I do stand-up too!?”

“Maybe seeing my expression was bad, my girlfriend immediately shouted to explain…”

“No, you’re my favorite male stand-up comedian! But she’s my favorite comedian overall!”

The audience laughed uproariously, some even leaning back in their seats, and even the contestants giggled until they hiccupped.

“Before Chu Duxiu came along, everyone said I was the strongest newcomer offline in Yancheng, almost on par with the veteran comedians,” Scallion said with a hint of jealousy. “But after she showed up, that was the first time I realized newcomers could be crowned king, completely overpowering the veterans. And the first one she went after was me.”

He sighed deeply, “Born a scallion, why born a show (xiu)? Both my love and career take a blow.”

The contestants’ area instantly grew lively.

Nie Feng, as the boss of ‘Typoon Transit,’ undoubtedly knew the history between the two best. Now he was laughing so hard he couldn’t close his mouth, shaking like a big goose.

Chu Duxiu turned her head to complain, “He’s just riding my popularity—”

Wang Nali patted her shoulder reassuringly, “Just let it go, now you get it, right? He sat with us in the earlier episodes just for camera time!”

Both of them had a good relationship with Scallion and now joked without restraint, which made Scallion’s stage jokes even funnier, triggering waves of laughter like rolling surf.

Scallion said, “Sometimes my girlfriend scrolls through online news and sees scandals about male celebrities—like cheating, borrowing money to mooch off women, or, you know, visiting certain places. When a male star’s reputation tanks, fans come to defend him: ‘He isn’t that kind of guy.’”

“I haven’t had a scandal, but I’m the only one who can speak up: ‘Baby, I really am not that kind of guy.’”

“Now whenever I see male stars sending lawyer letters, I get scared and think, ‘Bro, just admit it already. Enough is enough. Why make things hard for another man?’” Scallion shook his head in frustration, “Are you trying to save your reputation? You’re trying to kill me!”

Bei He admired him, “That’s pretty strong! No wonder he was ‘the strongest newcomer in Yancheng before Chu Duxiu appeared!’”

Lu Fan teased, “Your compliments really hurt.”

Scallion continued, “I came here to record the show, but just those couple of days another headline blew up: an ex-girlfriend posted angrily, calling out a male star for cheating after he became famous.”

“My girlfriend held her phone and asked, ‘Will I get a chance like that? When your stand-up takes off, your career succeeds and you change, will I get the chance to come out and expose you as a bad man?’”

“I said, ‘Baby, you’re overthinking.’”

“She said, ‘How am I overthinking? Do you want to say you’re not a jerk, or that your career won’t succeed?’”

“What could I do?” Scallion nervously rubbed his nose. “I just said, ‘Okay, I’ll give you Chu Duxiu’s WeChat. You go find her.’”

“Then after she becomes successful, you can expose her as the bad one.”

“I think she’ll get famous faster than me—and she’s got more girlfriends than I do.”

Su Xinyi couldn’t help but cover her mouth to laugh. She suddenly hit the final light switch, and the stage lit up fully—brilliant and dazzling, with colorful lights and sparkling stars.

The callback to “Chu Duxiu’s WeChat” sparked an explosive reaction, erupting through the studio and even making Director Shang backstage laugh.

“Thank you, everyone! I’m Scallion!”

The audience erupted with excited cheers, giving Scallion a passionate and sustained round of applause.

Chu Duxiu was amused too, but pretended to be fierce and shouted loudly, “That’s slander! I’m sending a lawyer’s letter!”

Wang Nali chimed in, “Exactly! Our Xiuxiu is not that kind of person—”