Shoutout to Tachibanaswife for the commission!
All along the way, I kept thinking: how exactly do you go about pleasing a man?
Back in the old days, it would’ve been simple. Just slap the guy hard on the shoulder and say, “Let’s go, brother! We’re picking up girls!”
The problem is, the current me obviously can’t say that anymore. So… change the wording?
“Let’s go, brother! I’ll take you to pick up girls?”
Nope. Pass!
“Let’s go, brother! I’ll go with you to pick up girls?”
Nope. Pass!
“Go ahead, brother! You go pick up girls yourself!”
Even worse. Pass!
“Come here, brother! Why don’t you just pick me up instead?”
Instantly smacked away!
Sigh. For the first time in my life, I realized just how hard it is to please a man.
The sedan chair swayed along the road while I fretted the whole way.
After turning east, west, south, and north for what felt like forever, the sedan finally stopped. The palace maid from earlier lifted the curtain and offered her slender hand to help me down, softly reminding, “Niang Niang, be careful.”
What a pretty hand. Though, miss, your nails are a bit too long. You might scratch someone during… physical activity. Then again, maybe some people are into that. Maybe if you don’t rake a chrysanthemum pattern across his back, he won’t feel satisfied!
Stop! My thoughts are wandering again!
I turned and gently told her, “Later, trim your nails. They’re too long. Not good.”
She froze for a moment, unsure if she understood, then lowered her head and nodded. “This servant understands.”
Supported by the maid, I stepped out of the sedan and looked up. Sure enough, two men were kneeling stiffly outside the palace gate. Judging by the hint of imperial yellow on the left one’s robes, that must be the Crown Prince pretty boy.
I closed my eyes and carefully recalled how women walk. Then I clenched my backside, twisted my waist with effort, and minced forward in small steps. When I reached the Crown Prince’s side, I intended to kneel as well but after one glance, I paused.
D*mn it, who’s so thoughtless? No one even brought cushions.
I was hesitating whether to send the maid to fetch a cushion when the Crown Prince suddenly turned and glanced at me. Hah! That glare was so cold it could’ve shot ice blades. He parted his lips and uttered a single word:
“Get lost*.”
* directly translating = roll away
Ha! Truly a Crown Prince, concise and forceful.
I looked down at my clothes and considered this body that had just suffered a miscarriage. The physical difficulty of “rolling away” seemed rather high. So I asked in a negotiating tone, “Could we switch to another method? I’m afraid I wouldn’t roll very far.”
He opened his mouth again, but this time no words came out.
I took that as agreement and automatically moved a couple of steps aside. Picking a relatively clean tile, I crouched down, carefully blew off the dust, and then knelt.
Sorry, bad habit from my previous life. I once had a girlfriend with mild germophobia. If even a speck of dust got on my clothes, she’d strip me down inside and out and practically want to toss me into the washing machine with them.
Sigh. Wandering off again.
The moment I knelt, the palace maid dropped to her knees beside me with a thud and began wailing theatrically, “Niang Niang! You mustn’t neglect your health like this! The ground is too cold! How can your body endure it?”
“Stand up,” I said.
She blinked at me tearfully, not quite understanding.
“Stand up,” I repeated.
She finally rose, stunned. This girl really doesn’t get it. If you want to please the boss, you have to share his hardships. When he enjoys himself, he won’t remember whether you enjoyed it. But when he suffers, he’ll definitely notice whether you suffered too.
I dusted off her skirt. Her calves were straight and slender, quite nice to the touch…
There I go again.
When I shifted my weight for the nth time, the gates of Xingsheng Palace finally opened. Several eunuchs carried Lady Jiang out in her white robes. The Crown Prince and Zhao Wang shot up from the ground and rushed forward.
“Yingyue!” Zhao Wang cried, shoving the eunuchs aside and scooping her into his arms.
The Crown Prince froze for a moment. His outstretched hand hung suspended in the air before slowly withdrawing, curling into a fist at his side.
My legs were numb from kneeling. The maid helped haul me up. I stumbled slightly, my elbow bumping into her chest. I nearly jumped in panic, glancing at her, she showed no reaction. I relaxed, then immediately regretted it. Had I known, I might’ve lingered a bit longer.
Zhao Wang strode off with the unconscious Lady Jiang without even offering a greeting. Tsk. Poor social skills. No future there.
The Crown Prince stood rigid, lips pressed tight, gaze glued to Lady Jiang as if threads were stretching from his eyes. As one man to another, I understand. But d*mn it, she’s someone else’s wife!
As I passed him, I almost wanted to clap his shoulder and comfort him: “Brother, there are plenty of flowers in the world, why fixate on that one growing out of dung?”
My hand stretched out halfway before I forcibly twisted it back, letting it fall instead onto the maid’s jade-like hand supporting my arm. Soft as boneless silk.
Alas, an idiot is still an idiot. Even if you write it in all caps, he still won’t change his nature.
Why bother!
The palace maid carefully helped me into the sedan chair. It wobbled and swayed as it carried me back to the Eastern Palace. Only after I entered the hall did I feel something wrong inside my trousers. When I changed and washed up, I discovered that the clothes underneath were already soaked through with blood.
Suddenly I thought of those TV commercials—“just a thin little pad, worry-free day and night, exercise happily without a care!” Truly a marvelous invention. How my heart longs for it.
What a pity. Ah, this wretched old society!
I suddenly understood the Crown Prince’s feelings just now. That feeling of wanting something yet being unable to have it, it’s d*mn painful.
Ever since we came back, the palace maid’s eyes had been red-rimmed. I couldn’t bear to see it. Finally, while she was helping me bathe, I said, “Don’t cry. I—”
I won’t do anything to you. Even if I had the lecherous intent right now, I don’t have the necessary equipment!
But instead of reassuring her, the moment I began to speak, she burst into tears. Wiping her eyes, she sobbed, “Y-you’ve had such a hard time!”
The instant she said that, my heart tightened, and I almost cried too. A true confidante! D*mn it, I really have had it hard! Such a beautiful girl nearly standing bare before me, and I can only stare helplessly without tasting a single bite. Do you think this is easy for me?
Star Lord, oh Star Lord! This grudge between us is now huge!
Amidst all this hardship, the days flew by. In the blink of an eye, I had already been in the Eastern Palace for over a month.
Back when I used to write essays and ran out of things to say, I’d toss in a few idioms to pad it out—“Time flies, the years are like a song!” In the blink of an eye, time is like a white colt flashing past a crack, whoosh, and it’s gone.
Just to show the teacher: look, my sentences may not be smooth, but my prose is splendidly ornate!
Now that I think about it, idioms really are idioms, concise yet perfectly apt.
I remember a great man once said: “Thirty-eight years have passed in the twinkling of an eye.”
If even a great man’s thirty-eight years were but a snap of the fingers, then what about my thirty-eight days as a common mortal? Before my two fingers even finish snapping together, those thirty-eight days have already slipped away with a whoosh.
Actually, thirty-eight days isn’t that short. It’s long enough for me to learn many things, both open and hidden.
For instance: the current emperor has a gentle, somewhat weak temperament. The late emperor was not particularly fond of him. It was only because someone once said to Qi Sheng, “A truly worthy imperial grandson,” that the emperor was able to ascend the throne smoothly.
And for instance: although Qi Sheng is the Crown Prince, the emperor’s favorite is actually the Ninth Prince, Chu Wang, and he has several times considered deposing the Crown Prince to establish another heir.
And for instance: Lady Zhang’s grandfather was once the founding emperor’s personal guard, later following him in campaigns north of the river and earning distinguished military merit. Her father is now the Shangshu of the Ministry of War, holding military power in his hands.
And for instance: in this Eastern Palace, Huang Liangyuan has the largest bosom, Li Chenghui the slimmest waist, Chen Liangdi the prettiest face! But the most soul-stealing of all is Wang Zhaoxun’s pair of straight, taut, long beautiful legs!
…
Of course, thirty-eight days are also more than enough to change a person’s manner and bearing.
Speech changed from crisp and straightforward to soft and gentle.
Walking changed from long, bold strides to a willowy sway.
Sitting changed from sprawling confidently to perching like a quail.
…
Alas, it’s truly hard to put into words. Even when playing cuju with the palace maids and eunuchs, when the ball came flying straight at me, I had already learned not to instinctively cover my crotch, but instead to protect my chest…
Alas! What a genuine tragedy!
