Shoutout to Tachibanaswife for the commission!
The Crown Prince, Qi Sheng, had not been seen again. It was said that on that day he went straight from Xingsheng Palace to the Jiangbei military camp.
That was just as well. I truly wasn’t prepared to face that “boss,” and part of me even wished we would never meet again in this lifetime. I almost wanted to say to that brother of mine: Go in peace. I will certainly take good care of all the beauties in this palace for you.
Speaking of beauties only stirred up sorrow again. These lovely, flower-like women could only be admired from afar, one couldn’t even sneak a touch. It was truly tormenting.
Incense burned in the hall. I leaned quietly against the imperial couch, looking calm on the outside, while inwardly in great anguish.
The palace maid Luli came in softly from outside, carrying a bowl of medicine. She walked over and knelt beside me, saying gently, “Niang Niang, it’s time to take your medicine.”
I glanced down at the dark herbal brew and immediately felt a headache coming on. It wasn’t that I feared drinking medicine. It was just that once I drank this, my chest would grow fuller, my waist slimmer, my voice softer… and that was what terrified me.
So I looked at Luli sincerely and negotiated, “Can I not drink it?”
Thinking I found it too bitter, Luli quickly pushed a small dish of candied fruit toward me. “There are fresh honeyed dates. Eat one and you won’t taste the bitterness.”
Oh, my dear Luli, honeyed dates won’t help at all. Though if you’d let me steal a kiss, that would work better than a whole plate of them.
Of course, that was only in my thoughts. Even if I had twice the courage, I wouldn’t dare say it aloud.
Sigh.
In the end, Luli forced me to drink the medicine. I returned to my couch and continued pretending to be composed.
In truth, I was pondering the “career planning” of being Crown Princess, how to steadily rise from Crown Princess to Empress Dowager. Ideally, I’d become a young widow, take a lesson from Empress Lu and Empress Wu, rule from behind a curtain, and then wake holding the power of the realm and fall asleep with beauties in my arms…
Ah! What a tempting future.
After thinking about it for days without coming up with a plan, and watching all sorts of beauties drifting before my eyes, I could no longer remain calm. One day after a meal, I said to Luli, “I’d like to leave the palace privately today.”
As expected of Lady Zhang’s trusted confidante, at just that sentence, within moments she brought me two sets of clothes. Only then did I realize that when it came to pleasing the boss, she was far more skilled than I.
But Luli, why bring two outfits? Did I ever say I was taking you along?
With many things left unsaid, I let her help me change. Standing before the mirror, I looked at my hesitant eyes, then at my conspicuous chest, and sighed deeply. Luli, Luli, are you women fools, or do you take us men for blind?
Ah well. Better to leave first.
Once outside the palace gates, Luli called for a sedan chair and moved to help me in.
“Where are we going?” I asked quickly.
She looked at me in surprise. “Aren’t we returning to the residence?”
Return? Leave the Eastern Palace only to enter the Minister’s mansion? Why would I make myself uncomfortable like that?
“No need. I want to walk around.”
Afraid she would question me further, I hurried ahead. The moment I took long strides, I felt refreshed. Luli chased me down half the street before stopping, out of breath, calling, “Niang—ah, Young Master, slow down!”
Slow down? If I slowed down, wouldn’t you catch up?
I quickened my pace and turned back with a smile. “No need to follow. Go home and wait. I’ll return on my own.”
With that, I turned the corner and finally lost her. Luli, it’s not that I don’t cherish delicate beauty, it’s just that where I’m going, I truly can’t bring you along.
After asking several people, I finally found the place for drinking and entertainment. But I paced in front of the entrance four or five times without daring to enter. With this body of mine, how could I go in recklessly? What if instead of taking advantage of anyone, I ended up being taken advantage of?
Ah, that wretched Star Lord of Fate!
Perhaps the elderly candy seller on the street had watched me circling for too long. She finally couldn’t help asking, “Young lady, are you here to catch your husband?”
Startled, before I could react, she sighed again. “Men are always fickle. Guarding such a beautiful wife, yet still coming here to seek pleasure. Men, oh men!”
Before she finished, I was already blushing furiously and hurried away in embarrassment.
Still unwilling to give up, I entered a luxurious restaurant instead and told the waiter, “I’m hosting a meal. Get me a good private spot and send in two singing girls.”
The waiter responded immediately, “Of course! Please come inside. We have a waterside pavilion overlooking the lake, beautiful scenery, elegant setting. The singers will be here shortly.”
Still uneasy, I stopped him and lowered my voice. “Uh… make sure they’re lively. Bold.” I patted his shoulder and grinned. “You understand.”
The waiter, a true professional, understood at once. He winked and smiled. “Don’t worry, I know exactly what you mean.”
My heart brightened. It was so refreshing to deal with smart people. I almost wanted to recruit him to the Eastern Palace as an attendant, we truly lacked talent like his.
Soon the singers arrived. With the songs flowing and wine poured, my recent frustrations were blown away like smoke. True, in looks they couldn’t compare to the beauties of the Eastern Palace, but they had charm. They let me hold their hands without fuss, drink wine without complaint, and before long I was pleasantly tipsy.
I figured that was enough. It was getting late. Continuing further would only bring trouble. So I rewarded the singer, paid the bill, and, still humming the tune, walked out.
Just as I left the pavilion, I suddenly felt an urgent need to relieve myself. After asking the waiter for directions, I hurried to the restroom.
The establishment was upscale, so even the restroom was clean. There was even an oil lamp inside, dim, but better than nothing. Truly considerate service.
Another fellow was already there relieving himself. I paid little attention and said casually, “Brother, make some room.”
But he didn’t move, just turned to look at me.
I glanced at him. He looked vaguely familiar. Oh well. Even if I knew him, it must’ve been in a past life.
He kept staring. I glanced downward and thought sourly, Not much bigger than mine. What are you so smug about?
I’m not one to argue, so I simply stood aside, lifted my robe, and reached down—
And reached—
And reached—
Nothing.
Something snapped in my mind. Cold sweat poured down instantly.
The wine’s effect vanished.
Out of the corner of my eye, he was still staring.
Three strategies flashed through my mind:
One: Stay calm. Grab some paper, squat, pretend to be doing something else. Surely he wouldn’t crouch down to check.
Two: Be cold. Tie my belt and leave. What I take out or don’t take out is none of his business.
Three: Go crazy. Look at him sympathetically and ask, “Still not done? Frequent urination? Tried any remedies?”
At that awkward moment, someone outside called, “Ninth Brother, did you fall in? Why aren’t you out yet?”
After a pause, the man beside me replied softly, “Coming.”
He calmly finished up and left without another glance.
I let out a long breath, hurriedly fastening my belt. He was the true master of composure.
Their voices faded away outside: “Ninth Brother, hurry! They found someone amazing tonight to sing ‘Eighteen Touches.’ Let’s go listen.”
He laughed. “Alright, let’s.”
“Eighteen Touches”? Wasn’t that the very tune I’d been humming? I scoffed inwardly. Such country bumpkins, getting excited over that.
After that scare, both the wine and the urge vanished.
Back at the palace gates, Luli was pacing anxiously. Seeing me, she rushed over. “Niang Niang, why so late? The gates are about to close!”
I smiled. “They’re still open, aren’t they? Why worry?”
She tied my cloak, but before she could finish covering my face, urgency struck again. I pressed my legs together and whispered urgently, “Quick, quick, back to the palace!”
She stared, confused.
Ah, Luli, how could I possibly explain? Wine can be scared away. But a full bladder cannot wait.
On the eighth day of the twelfth month, Crown Prince Qi Sheng returned from the Jiangbei camp to the capital.
The Laba porridge was fragrant and sticky. I was happily slurping it when Luli rushed in, snatched the bowl from my hands, and waved her delicate hand. A whole group of palace maids swarmed in and surrounded me.
What, had they discovered me peeking at them bathing?
