If I Can’t Get the Male Lead, I’ll Just Be a Salted Fish Chapter 13

“You tell me,” Xie Lanzhi said. “Wherever you’re hurt, that’s where I’ll look.”

That surname-Xie was steady as a rock, completely unaware that what he’d just said was utterly wolfish. From his expression, Qin Shu almost thought he was going to check his knees or wrists.

But no! D*mn it, what he wanted to see was his little R-head! How had things developed into such a bizarre situation—is this the collapse of humanity, or the downfall of morality?!

“Lift up your shirt,” said Xie Lanzhi.

Qin Shu crossed both arms over his chest like a virtuous woman being harassed by a thug. “No! I refuse!”

Xie Lanzhi wasn’t in the habit of teasing people, but for some reason, seeing Qin Shu flustered to the point of despair, swearing to defend his chastity, stirred some mischievous impulse deep inside him. Maybe at heart, he was never really the upright, kind senior people thought him to be. “Let me see. If it’s bad, you’d better put some medicine on it.”

Qin Shu’s head was about to explode. He didn’t mishear that, right? Medicine? On his… that?!

Mr. Xie really is wearing Pinru’s clothes—confirmed.

Qin Shu’s cheeks looked like they’d been brushed with blush a hundred times. He felt that if he burned any hotter, smoke would start coming out of his head. He clenched his fists, suddenly raised his head, and wanted to glare at Xie Lanzhi with murderous intent to shut him up. But the moment he met Xie Lanzhi’s eyes, he collapsed.

There was a teasing but not malicious smile in those eyes; his double eyelids were naturally deep, his looks so unfairly good. As a face-con, Qin Shu, staring at those eyes, at that face, simply couldn’t bring out his “murderous glare.”

He quickly averted his gaze and muttered in a low voice: “I said it’s not serious… stop bringing it up already. Don’t you feel ashamed?”

“It’s fine,” Xie Lanzhi said calmly. “We’re both guys.”

Tsk. Sure enough, Xie Lanzhi right now was still a certified straight man. “That’s true, but I’m gay.”

Xie Lanzhi froze for a moment, as if just then realizing this. Junior really could like boys. He smiled and said: “Alright, then I won’t look.”

Qin Shu finally breathed a sigh of relief, lowering his hands from his chest.

“Describe it to me.”

Qin Shu: “???”

“Red? Swollen?” Xie Lanzhi stepped closer, adopting the considerate tone of a senior caring for his junior. “If the skin’s broken, you can dab some iodine with a cotton swab—Lu Rulu has that stuff. I can help you.”

Iodine? Cot—cotton swab?! Help me?!!!

Qin Shu’s whole body jolted like a tiger, and he stepped back. His hand braced against the desk behind him, accidentally knocking over the mug that had been sitting there. The mug rolled a few times, fell to the ground, and with a crisp sound, met its glorious end.

Qin Shu lowered his head to stare at the shards by his feet. His pupils trembled. “Little Mai! My Little Mai! Ahhh—”

Xie Lanzhi paused. “Sorry.”

The cup bearing his beloved anime girl shattered, and Qin Shu’s heart shattered with it. Trembling, he crouched down and picked up the largest shard, grief-stricken. “Little Mai, what happened to you, Little Mai! You can’t die! We’ve shared joy and hardship all these years, I’ve always raised and taught you as if you were my own child, and now today—white-haired man sending off black-haired child, wuwuwuwu—”

Xie Lanzhi was silent for a moment, then said: “That’s from a movie script, isn’t it?”

Qin Shu’s shoulders stiffened. Ex—exposed? Whatever. As long as Xie Lanzhi stopped harping on his injury, everything else was negotiable.

“I really liked this cup,” Qin Shu said sorrowfully. “I just can’t accept it being broken right now. You go, let me be alone for a bit.”

“I’ll replace it for you,” said Xie Lanzhi.

“Even if you bought me another one just like it, it’d only be a stand-in.”

“Send me the link.”

“No need, I—”

“If you don’t want medicine, send me the link.”

Qin Shu surrendered in one second: “Okay.”

Just then, Lu Rulu’s voice came with a knock on the door. “Brother Lan, you borrowing that charging cable for a whole year? Are we still finishing this project or not?”

Xie Lanzhi looked back at Qin Shu. “Can you clean this up yourself?”

Qin Shu made a “???” face. “It’s just sweeping. I’m not stupid.”

Xie Lanzhi smiled, took his computer and the cable. “Be careful not to cut your hand. When you throw it away, put the pieces in a bag. Best to mark it.”

This surname-Xie really did treat him like an idiot. “Got it,” Qin Shu muttered under his breath. “Hurry up and go already.”

Lu Rulu was waiting outside in flip-flops. When he saw Xie Lanzhi come out, he raised his wrist like an orchid finger and said in a pretentiously coy tone: “Ooh, which delicate little flower tripped up our Young Master Xie, making this poor concubine wait until the blossoms withered.”

Xie Lanzhi didn’t even give his roommate a glance. “Get lost.”

Lu Rulu whimpered: “So mean, Young Master Xie is so fierce.”

“If you use that tone with me again, I’ll grab your hair and toss you off the fourth floor,” Xie Lanzhi said calmly. “I mean it.”

Lu Rulu quickly mimed zipping his lips shut.

The two of them had been working on an innovation project lately—Lu Rulu on the back end, Xie Lanzhi on the front. They often needed to coordinate, and if they went to the library or a study room, they’d disturb others, so they always worked together in the dorm. Lately, Xie Lanzhi had been coming back to the dorm more than in the past two years combined.

Back in the dorm, Lu Rulu said: “I suddenly really want an iced Fat House Happy Water.”

Xie Lanzhi absentmindedly replied, “You could buy a fridge and keep it in the dorm.”

Lu Rulu waved his hand, “It’s just me living here, forget it, forget it. Unless you move back in.”

Xie Lanzhi didn’t even think before saying, “Not moving back.”

Lu Rulu hadn’t expected him to leave his mansion to come back and keep him company anyway. “Then later we can do debugging at your place. When we’re tired, we can swim, or check out the home theater or whatever.”

Xie Lanzhi hesitated, didn’t directly agree, just said: “We’ll see.”

At ten in the evening, Chu Cheng came back to the dorm drenched in sweat. Qin Shu had just sent Xie Lanzhi the link for the mug—it was an official licensed manga merch item, a bit on the pricey side. He glanced at the time on the screen, scolding bitterly, “Why are you back already?”

“‘Already’? Curfew’s at eleven, it’s ten o’clock!”

Which means you should push it until eleven, then use curfew as an excuse to take Ning Ning to a hotel, you silly pup. “So how was practice?”

“Not bad. It’s Xu Ning’s first time, so we can’t train too long. Need to keep it within limits, gradual progress.” Chu Cheng grabbed fresh clothes and a towel, ready to shower.

Qin Shu trailed behind him like a tail. “So what did you two do today? Did you help him press his legs, stretch, or put your arm around his waist to correct his posture?”

Chu Cheng frowned, “Why are you asking this?”

Qin Shu knew the pup had a rebellious streak, so he deliberately said: “He’s the one I’m chasing. I won’t allow anyone else to touch him.”

Chu Cheng snorted, “I’ve no interest in touching him.”

“By the way, don’t gyms have showers? Why didn’t you shower before coming back? Did Ning Ning shower?”

Irritated, Chu Cheng flung his towel at Qin Shu’s face. “If you’re that curious, go see for yourself next time.”

Qin Shu lit up, “I can?!” Does this mean he can ship them live in person now? With body contact sugar too? What if he gets so excited he faints and someone gives him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?!

Chu Cheng ignored him, carrying his towel to the bathroom.

Before he went in, Qin Shu asked again: “You and Ning Ning spent so long together today, did you get his beauty yet? My eye for people is good, right?”

Chu Cheng recalled Xu Ning’s lashes wet with sweat, and for no reason his face burned. But flushed or not, his mouth stayed stubborn: “He’s just okay. No matter how good-looking someone is, if you stare long enough they all seem the same.”

Qin Shu was shocked, “Bullsh*t!”

“I didn’t fart,” Chu Cheng said seriously. “Haven’t you heard that saying—‘a beauty bores you in three days, an ugly face grows on you in three days’? That’s the principle.”

Qin Shu sneered: “I don’t think I’d ever get sick of looking at a great beauty for three days straight.”

Chu Cheng scoffed, “That’s you. I’m not like you.” With that, he stepped into the bathroom and shut the door with a loud bang.

Qin Shu fell into thought. What Chu Cheng said wasn’t entirely wrong. Some people look plain at first glance but are very easy on the eyes, the more you look the better. Others, breathtaking at first sight, but after a while you find them just so-so.

Maybe Xie Lanzhi belongs to the latter category. If he looks at Xie Lanzhi long enough, his “anti-beauty resistance system” will definitely level up. One day, Xie Lanzhi’s looks won’t faze him at all, and he’ll be able to face that face and throw a fit, press hard, act all fierce!

This explanation, this logic—he gave it full marks.

When Chu Cheng came out after his shower, Qin Shu asked: “Chu Cheng, do you have any photos of Xie Lanzhi?”

“Why would I have photos of Brother Lan? I’m not his fangirl.”

“Then do you know who does?”

“The school forum should. Why?”

“I want to show my high school classmates how handsome our school grass is.” Qin Shu opened the school forum, searched “school grass, male god,” and sure enough, plenty of Xie Lanzhi’s photos popped up. On the basketball court, in the library, even lining up in the cafeteria… but they were all candid shots, his body captured well but his face never clear.

Qin Shu grumbled, “Why isn’t there a high-def, unshaky one…”

Chu Cheng was stunned at the phrase “high-def un-sha-what?”

“I mean close-ups, like where you can see his eyelashes.”

Chu Cheng sighed in relief. “Close-ups are usually selfies, right? Brother Lan doesn’t seem like the type who takes selfies.”

“True.” So he’d just have to make do. Qin Shu tapped away, saving all of Xie Lanzhi’s photos, then set one of him sitting by the classroom window, one hand supporting his forehead, the other holding a pen while he looked down at his book, as his wallpaper. This way he could fight poison with poison. He didn’t believe he couldn’t cure his face-control problem!

Accept your fate, Xie Lanzhi—you’ll never conquer me with beauty alone!

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