If I Can’t Get the Male Lead, I’ll Just Be a Salted Fish Chapter 37

Every word Lu Rulu said, Qin Shu could understand. But put together, it felt like nonsense. He repeated, “You said, Brother Lan, likes… a playboy?”

To protect his dear roommate’s dignity as school grass, Lu Rulu had been holding this in for a while. He was not the tight-lipped type, and it was suffocating to keep it. Finally saying it out loud, and seeing Qin Shu’s shocked face, he felt he’d found a kindred spirit. “Yeah, that’s right, you didn’t mishear.”

Qin Shu put down the broken mantis shrimp, wiped his hands with a napkin, and lifted a glass of orange juice. “Let me take a moment.”

Lu Rulu understood. “Take your time, no rush.”

Qin Shu drank a few gulps, then suddenly slammed the table. “I get it now! You mean the Aquaman* played by Xu Jinjiang? That movie?!”
* playboy slang is also written as ocean king

Lu Rulu, like a subway grandpa looking at his phone: “Huh?”

“That’s what you mean, right?” Qin Shu exhaled in relief and patted his chest. “Brother Lu, please, make it clear—I almost died of fright.”

Lu Rulu: “???”

“Never thought Brother Lan would actually like Aquaman, tastes are pretty unique.” Qin Shu grinned. “I don’t feel much for Aquaman myself—Captain America and Winter Soldier are my true faves.”

It took Lu Rulu a long time to catch up. “What the h*ll, when did Xu Jinjiang ever play Aquaman? Wasn’t that Jason Momoa… d*mn, you almost threw me off. I don’t mean movie Aquaman! I mean that kind of playboy—you know what I mean?”

Qin Shu’s confused face said he didn’t.

“‘Thought I swam into older brother’s fish pond, but turns out older brother is a player—that kind of thing!”

Suspicious, Qin Shu asked: “Brother Lu, are you talking about Brother Lan, or about yourself?”

Lu Rulu laughed angrily, raising a hand like taking an oath. “If I was talking about myself, may I be forced to eat dog food every day from now on!”

Qin Shu believed him, but was even more lost. “But this is Xie Lanzhi we’re talking about!”

“Who else?” Lu Rulu sighed. “It’s like choosing a place to live—you’ve got plenty of mansions available, but instead you go share some old shabby apartment with someone else. Who knows what he’s thinking.”

Qin Shu tried to calm down with a grilled oyster, but failed.

No way, sir. Besides Ning Ning, that kind of great beauty, someone else could actually move Xie Lanzhi? Honestly, with the way his baby acted up, even Ning Ning might not be a good match anymore, let alone someone else. He was shocked to his core.

—Wait. What if the “playboy” Xie Lanzhi liked was Ning Ning? Ning Ning wasn’t really a playboy; no matter how many people chased him, he always refused cleanly, never leading anyone on. But to outsiders, he might look like one.

Qin Shu suddenly felt like someone was squeezing the back of his neck. That familiar suffocating feeling returned. He thought, good thing Baby gave him those oxygen bottles—he really needed them. He should ask Chu Cheng for the purchase link later, stock up in bulk, carry one at all times.

“Brother Lu, do you know who that playboy is?” Qin Shu asked. “Is it someone from our school?”

“Don’t know, he didn’t say.” Lu Rulu rubbed his chin. “But if Brother Lan knows she’s a playboy and still dives in, she must at least be a great beauty.”

“So it’s a girl?”

“No sh*t, who else if not a girl?” Lu Rulu gave him a side-eye. “Two of you in 419 bent already, 418 can’t have even one?”

“With the male-to-female ratio at our school… never mind, good luck to you guys.”

They’d said a lot, but most of it was useless. Lu Rulu didn’t know who Xie Lanzhi’s playboy was. Ning Ning was still a strong possibility.

Qin Shu’s heart burned with anxiety. His baby and Ning Ning were finally at the stage of mutual affection, just one step from breaking the window paper. At this time, nothing could go wrong. “Can you ask him?”

“Ask who?”

“Brother Lan. Ask who his playboy is—maybe we even know her.”

“No,” Lu Rulu refused without hesitation. “He wouldn’t say even if you asked. He only told me because he trusts me. I really shouldn’t have told you either.”

Qin Shu teased: “Then why did you tell me? I didn’t even ask.”

Lu Rulu laughed sheepishly. “Couldn’t hold it in. Anyway, just pretend you don’t know anything.”

“Since it’s like this, then don’t tell me, Bu Jingyun!”

Lu Rulu’s smile gradually disappeared, “…f*ck.”

When they left the restaurant, both of them were in low spirits. Lu Rulu rubbed his tragically messy curls and said: “With my hair ruined like this, can I call the police.”

Qin Shu distractedly replied: “You can try. One time my phone got stolen and I also called the police.”

“And then?”

“With the help of the police uncle, in the end I accepted reality.”

Back in the dorm, Qin Shu was still thinking about Xie Lanzhi, and even forgot to act mean to Chu Cheng. Chu Cheng saw his shorter hair and asked: “Went for a haircut?”

“Mm…”

“You went alone?”

“Went with Brother Yun.”

Chu Cheng: “???” Who the h*ll is Brother Yun?

His question was soon answered. As usual he went to dorm 418 to hang out, wondering if he could casually score some instant noodles. The moment the door opened, he felt like he’d gone back to childhood.

“Wo f*ck—Brother Yun?!” Chu Cheng shouted, pointing his phone right at Lu Rulu, snapping a big close-up photo.

Lu Rulu’s mouth twitched, and he slammed the door shut hard in Chu Cheng’s face. His fragile young soul suffered heavy damage. He decided tomorrow he would shave a crew cut, and never perm his hair again in this life!

Chu Cheng sent the big head photo of Lu Rulu to the group chat.

【Overlord Chu: (image)】

【Overlord Chu: (laugh till blurry.jpg)】

【Red carp green carp and donkey: (Sa Beining oxygen mask.jpg)】

【Shuimenjian: Just a photo of Bu Jingyun, where’s the funny point.】

【Red carp green carp and donkey: Xie Lanzhi you’ve gone too far!!!】

He admitted his hairstyle was like Bu Jingyun, but his face looked nothing like him, okay! And with the background of the photo, Xie Lanzhi definitely wouldn’t mistake it. He was doing it on purpose!

Dark. Way too black-bellied! Dorm 419’s two together still couldn’t beat one Xie Lanzhi!

【Shuimenjian: ?】

【Red carp green carp and donkey: (cold face.jpg)】

【Red carp green carp and donkey: Keep pretending, fine, keep pretending, heh.】

The four-person chat group was lively, Chu Cheng even edited Lu Rulu’s photo into memes. But the liveliness was theirs, and had nothing to do with Qin Shu.

Qin Shu stared at Xie Lanzhi’s avatar, and a thought popped into his mind: if only he could take a look at Xie Lanzhi’s phone.

It was already year 0202, unless he was a time management master with two phones, normal people definitely left traces of the person they liked on their phone. Maybe Xie Lanzhi even used the player’s photo as his wallpaper. Even if not, checking his WeChat chat history with Xu Ning would be enough to know how far things had developed.

But here came the problem—he wasn’t Xie Lanzhi’s boyfriend, stealing a look at his phone was invading privacy ah!

But he just wanted to know if the player was Ning Ning or not! Or maybe he could ask Ning Ning? Impossible—Cheng and Ning were at a key point right now, better not mess it up with nonsense like this.

The more Qin Shu thought, the more rotten the idea seemed. Better forget it.

After the long holiday ended, they muddled through another week, then Qin Shu and Chu Cheng welcomed their midterm exam for the major courses.

Qin Shu was so nervous his face was pale. Chu Cheng comforted him: “I think you studied quite hard, don’t worry. Diligence makes up for clumsiness, the dumb bird flies first, you got this.”

Qin Shu smiled, “With you comforting me like this, I feel much better.” —bullsh*t.

In the afternoon, after the first big class ended, students with a second class hurried to the next room. Holding two books, Xie Lanzhi was walking in the crowded corridor when he suddenly heard a familiar voice: “Senior—Brother!”

Xie Lanzhi stopped, stepped aside, and waited for the other to come over.

He was just standing casually, doing nothing, but drew countless eyes.

Qin Shu today wore a black hoodie, with four big words printed on the front: “Must pass every exam.” On his backpack hung a small Conan figure. He pushed through the crowd to Xie Lanzhi, slightly breathless: “Brother, I’m about to take the Compilers exam.”

“I can tell,” Xie Lanzhi lightly tugged at the Conan figure, “hard not to fail?”

“Superstition makes me happy.” Qin Shu said, not happy at all.

Xie Lanzhi smiled, “Where’s your exam?”

“C213.”

They were in Area A now, walking to Area C would take at least five minutes. “Then hurry.”

Qin Shu said: “Last time you said, hugging Buddha’s leg doesn’t work, hugging you works. Then, can I hug you? Just once.”

Xie Lanzhi’s throat tightened, his voice slightly hoarse, “Here? Now?”

“Of course,” Qin Shu was desperate to not fail, “before the exam, gotta borrow some top student’s overbearing aura.”

They stood face to face, surrounded by countless eyes.

Xie Lanzhi was silent a few seconds, then stretched out his hand—not to hug him as Qin Shu expected, but to pull the hood of his sweatshirt up over his head.

…Fine. Not hugging but helping put on a hood also works.

Just as Qin Shu felt a little disappointed, Xie Lanzhi’s hand didn’t withdraw. Instead it pressed on the back of his hood, applying slight force, pushing him toward his chest.

Qin Shu heard Xie Lanzhi’s heartbeat, and also heard him whisper in his ear: “Do well, little love letter.”

With the “must pass every exam” hoodie, the “hang Conan” backpack, and the top student’s hug, as expected Qin Shu—bombed the exam.

He’d been a student so many years, taken hundreds and thousands of exams, and never suffered such humiliation. One quarter of the test he couldn’t even understand, one quarter he could read but to him the difficulty was about the same as curing his baby’s idiocy—basically impossible, so he gave up. The remaining half he guessed at randomly. Even if all correct, at most he’d score fifty.

After handing in his paper, Qin Shu shed the weakest tears in the whole school.

“Finally done with the exam,” Chu Cheng stretched, “tonight we gotta celebrate with a good meal—how about barbecue, call Brother Lanzhi and Brother Lu too.”

Qin Shu, dejected, said, “Whatever.”

Chu Cheng hesitated. “Should we call Xu Ning along too?”

Qin Shu lifted his eyelids, hadn’t spoken yet, when Chu Cheng added: “Forget it, I’ll wait until I’ve chased him down, then officially treat you guys to dinner—let him show up as family.”

Qin Shu looked up at the sky. “I just wonder how I’ll be doing in the nursing home by then.”

“Get lost!”

418 and 419 gathered for another meal, this time at a barbecue stall near the back gate of the school. The draft dark beer here was especially good—slightly sweet, without much of the bitter hops taste—perfect for a total alcohol newbie like Qin Shu who didn’t like drinking.

Lu Rulu had already shaved off his tragic curls. The crew cut actually looked pretty cool, but that didn’t change what Chu Cheng and Qin Shu called him. He had protested, raged, even stormed off, all useless. In the end, he surrendered. His only condition: when he eventually got a girlfriend, they absolutely, absolutely couldn’t show her that photo.

Qin Shu was still mourning “Compiler Principles,” talking less than usual, though he didn’t eat or drink any less barbecue or beer. The other three tacitly didn’t bring up exams. Lu Rulu even suggested they go play ping-pong on the weekend, to witness Qin Shu, ranked third seed in his entire neighborhood. He asked Xie Lanzhi, “Brother Lan, you know how to play ping-pong?”

Xie Lanzhi: “Yeah.”

“How come you know everything?”

Qin Shu, mood slightly lifted, threw in a joke: “Maybe Brother Lan’s dad taught him in Hawaii.”

“No,” Xie Lanzhi said blandly, “my dad taught me in his office.”

Chu Cheng and Lu Rulu burst out laughing, so loud their table instantly became the center of attention.

When they’d nearly finished eating, Chu Cheng and Lu Rulu went to the bathroom together, leaving only Qin Shu and Xie Lanzhi at the table.

Xie Lanzhi asked, “You drunk?”

Dark beer is low in alcohol, but still alcohol. After several big mugs, Qin Shu was floating, his face a bit red, his head fuzzy. He shook his head. “Just a little drunk.”

“Then don’t drink anymore.”

Qin Shu looked at Xie Lanzhi, hiccupped, and said: “Brother, I want to…”

Xie Lanzhi waited for him to go on.

“I want… to see your phone.”

Xie Lanzhi: “?”

Qin Shu, riding the courage of alcohol: “Show me, okay?”

“Why do you want to see my phone?”

Qin Shu frowned, as if thinking hard. “I want to see if you’ve been sneaking around, chatting nonsense with someone else.”

Xie Lanzhi froze, then smiled. “Alright.” He took out his phone, unlocked it, and handed it to Qin Shu. “Go ahead.”

Qin Shu patted his own face to clear his head, then carefully looked through Xie Lanzhi’s phone.

The lock screen and wallpaper were both defaults. The interface was clean, just common apps and games. He asked, “Can I look at WeChat?”

Xie Lanzhi laughed. “Checking me that strictly?”

“I… I want to see.”

Xie Lanzhi nodded. “Go ahead.”

Qin Shu quickly opened WeChat. Xie Lanzhi hadn’t pinned any chats—the first was still their four-person group. Qin Shu flipped through a few pages, saw no Xu Ning, so he directly searched his name. He did find it, but the chat box had only one message: You’ve added X.N, now you can start chatting.

So, no—the “player” Xie Lanzhi liked wasn’t Ning Ning.

But instead of feeling relieved like he thought he would, Qin Shu just thought—then who the h*ll is it!

Author’s Note:

By the way, you guys should know the references, right? For example:

• “My dad taught me in Hawaii.”

• The movie Aquaman, where the male lead looks like a certain actor.

If you don’t get it, no worries, just watch them be dumb and fall in love (not).

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