If I Can’t Get the Male Lead, I’ll Just Be a Salted Fish Chapter 76

Not long after the new semester started, all the single people were faced with their first tormenting holiday—Valentine’s Day.

Lu Rulu had already stopped checking Moments and Weibo, but the cruel world kept reminding him in every possible way: in this vast world, there was no place for single dogs to hide.

Every restaurant launched Valentine’s Day set menus—couples ate with discounts, and even his favorite street food stalls and the school cafeteria weren’t exempt. Florists were out in force, armloads of roses stabbing his eyes. In the malls, beauty counter salesgirls hit record numbers, guiding clueless straight guys to buy those long-unsellable “death Barbie pink” lipsticks for their girlfriends. Even in games he couldn’t escape—running into two pairs of duo-queued couples, all with matching skins, while he alone went 1–10–2 like an orphan.

Alright. This wave was too strong, he admitted defeat. But if he couldn’t provoke it, he could avoid it! He decided: on Valentine’s Day, he’d just sleep in the dorm all day. If he got hungry, he’d eat instant noodles. He wouldn’t check his phone, wouldn’t reply to messages. He wanted to see who could still shove their PDA in his face then!

After class, when he came back, Lu Rulu saw the opposite dorm room door wide open. Qin Shu and Chu Cheng were huddled at the computer, watching something. Lu Rulu’s whole body jolted, and he quickly pulled out his key, hoping to slip back into his own room before they noticed—so he wouldn’t get force-fed dog food.

But the moment he slid the key in, Qin Shu’s voice rang out: “Brother Yun’s back! Come come, we’ve got good food.”

The corner of Lu Rulu’s mouth twitched. “Funny how your eyesight’s never that sharp during team fights.”

Qin Shu said: “It’s not that I saw you—it’s that I felt your aura. That resentful, decadent, utterly defeated aura.”

Lu Rulu cursed and laughed. “Get lost. What, the love nest with Brother Lan isn’t fragrant enough? You coming back to your maiden home for what?”

“Xie Lanzhi’s mom—Auntie—brought us loads of fruit. We can’t finish it all, so I’m sharing with you guys.”

Lu Rulu casually grabbed a black grape and popped it in his mouth. “This just for me, or do all the other ‘girls’ get some too?”

Qin Shu stifled a laugh. “Relax. Just you and Miss Chu over there.”

Chu Cheng promptly spat out his date pit, glaring at Lu Rulu. “If you want to be a girl, go ahead, but don’t drag me into it.”

Qin Shu added: “Brother Yun’s just joking around. Of course, we can’t rule out that he does actually want to be a girl.”

Suddenly Lu Rulu remembered a post he’d seen online: If one day you woke up and found yourself a girl, what would you do? The top creepy-liked answer had been: First let my bros grow up a little. Looking at his bros—one, two—Lu Rulu’s heart clenched faintly.

How did they all end up bent?! Little Shu, fine—such a cute kid, even a straight guy like him would want to dote on him. But Chu Cheng?! Chu Cheng, who looked straighter than him, actually bent just like that? What the actual… nonsense.

“Oh right, Brother Yun,” Chu Cheng said, “yesterday when I went to the mall with Xu Ning to watch a movie, I ran into your ex.”

At the mention of his ex’s name, Lu Rulu instantly flared up. “F*ck! When I asked her to pay me back, she said she had no money, then she turns right around and goes shopping? Is that human behavior?”

“She bought quite a lot too, carrying piles of expensive-looking bags.”

“Ugh, that pisses me off just hearing it.” Qin Shu slammed the table. “Brother Yun, you can’t just be a doormat forever. If you don’t act, she’ll drag this out till graduation.”

Lu Rulu groaned in frustration. “What the h*ll am I supposed to do? I already nagged her on WeChat, I even cursed her out in front of her crush, but she still won’t pay. What else can I do?”

Qin Shu suggested: “Go hang a banner under her dorm: ‘Return my blood-and-sweat money!’”

Chu Cheng went bigger: “Send her a lawyer’s letter, sue her in court!”

“…Can you two be serious? I still need to keep my dignity, okay?”

“I am serious,” Qin Shu insisted. “Against shameless people, if you care about dignity, you lose. Brother Yun, text her right now to pay up. If she still stalls, we’ll brainstorm insults—curse her till she’s bawling her eyes out, regretting everything, and begs you to take the money back.”

Egged on, Lu Rulu opened WeChat, typed nothing, and just sent a meme:

【Unbendingly Straight: (Look at the clouds—don’t they look like the 8000 yuan you owe me.jpg)】

【It’s Beibei: ?】

【It’s Beibei: Doesn’t look like it.】

Lu Rulu jabbed the screen, furious. “See that?! I’ve never seen such shamelessness!”

“You were too soft! That looked more like flirting than debt collection.” Qin Shu snatched the phone, rolling up his sleeves. “Watch me.”

【Unbendingly Straight: Once I had a friend who borrowed 8000 from me and didn’t pay. Then she died.】

【It’s Beibei: ……】

【It’s Beibei: Lu Rulu, are you serious? Just because I owe you money, you curse me dead?】

【It’s Beibei: Don’t you think you’re going too far? I must’ve been blind to ever like you!】

Qin Shu was dumbstruck. “I’ve never seen such shamelessness!”

Chu Cheng grabbed the phone back. “You two are useless. Let me.”

【Unbendingly Straight: Debts must be repaid—it’s only right. If you still don’t pay, I’ll ask your counselor to contact your parents and make them pay for you.】

 【It’s Beibei: (smile)】

【It’s Beibei: Why don’t I just give you my parents’ phone number right now?】

Chu Cheng: “I’ve never seen such shamelessness!!”

Lu Rulu gave a cold laugh. “Told you so.”

Qin Shu’s face was grim. “Then we really should hang that banner.”

Chu Cheng: “I’m more inclined to the lawyer’s letter.”

“You idiot, hiring a lawyer costs more than 8000!”

“The h*ll, this isn’t about money! If she weren’t a girl, I’d have dragged her to the woods for a one-on-one already.” Chu Cheng’s phone buzzed. “She texted again.”

The three of them huddled over the screen.

【It’s Beibei: Speaking of, Valentine’s Day is coming. How are you planning to spend it?】

Lu Rulu almost suffocated. He replied: 【Of course with another pretty girl.】

【It’s Beibei: Really? How come I didn’t see it on your Moments?】

【Unbendingly Straight: Whether I post or not is none of your d*mn business.】

【It’s Beibei: I was worried you hadn’t moved on. If you really have a new girlfriend, I wish you two happiness.】

Lu Rulu swore out loud. “I wish your d*mn family happiness.”

Qin Shu blinked. “Wait, Brother Yun, you do have a girlfriend?”

“How the h*ll could I? I haven’t spoken to a girl all week, except the cafeteria auntie.”

“Then you just dug yourself a hole. If she spreads rumors you’re taken, she’ll block your luck with women.”

Lu Rulu’s face darkened. “Women are really that scary? Forget it. I’ll just stay single till graduation.”

Chu Cheng said: “That’s too lame a lie. If someone asks to see your girlfriend, what’ll you do? Be careful you don’t get your face slapped.”

Lu Rulu snapped: “I’ll just say it’s a long-distance relationship. Worst case, I’ll make Little Shu cross-dress and spend Valentine’s with me, slap her in the face with that.”

Qin Shu: “???”

Qin Shu: “I’m calling my boyfriend to beat you up.”

The day before Valentine’s, Lu Rulu lured Qin Shu to the swimming pool with a pack of Want-Want milk, to teach him how to swim. Their school required a swim test—fail and you couldn’t graduate. Time was running out.

Back in freshman year, Xie Lanzhi had tried teaching him once, gave up after an hour, and told him: “You might not graduate.” After that, no matter how much Lu Rulu begged, Xie Lanzhi never agreed to teach him again.

The unfinished mission now fell to Xie Lanzhi’s “wife.” Walking beside him, Qin Shu already regretted it before they even reached the pool.

“It’s freezing. Can we really swim in this weather?”

“Relax, it’s indoors with heating. The pool’s temperature-controlled.”

Qin Shu buried his face in his scarf. “Still feels like curling up in bed with a cat would be better.”

“No choice. You drank my Want-Want milk.”

At the pool, Qin Shu was surprised to see it pretty crowded—mostly poor souls tortured by the swim test. They grabbed electronic lockers and went to the men’s changing room.

Lu Rulu noticed a small reddish mark on Qin Shu’s waist. “What’s that on your waist?”

Qin Shu glanced down, ears turning red. “Oh, mosquito bite.”

“In winter?”

Qin Shu sighed. “Yeah, apparently.”

Changed into trunks, they draped towels over their shoulders and went poolside. Qin Shu made Lu Rulu do warm-ups first. “Alright, in you go.”

Lu Rulu stared at the water, throat bobbing.

Qin Shu was already in. Seeing his hesitation, he said: “Don’t be scared, Brother Yun. This is the shallow end—only 1.6 meters.”

Lu Rulu pointed to the kiddie pool. “Isn’t that shallower?”

“That’s the children’s pool,” Qin Shu laughed. “But hey, if you want, go ahead.”

“…Forget it.” Lu Rulu took a deep breath and slowly climbed in.

Qin Shu splashed water on his shoulders to help him adapt. “So, afraid of water?”

“Yeah. Almost drowned as a kid.”

“No wonder.”

“Think I can still be saved?”

“I’ll try. Worst case, just take swim classes.”

“I only need to pass the test, not become professional.” Their exam required just 100 meters—any style, even dog paddle.

“Got it. Let’s start then.”

Qin Shu began with the basics: underwater breath-holding. “Don’t breathe underwater. Come up and inhale through your mouth. Try it.”

Lu Rulu gulped air, squatted under, lasted three seconds, then burst up coughing. “F*ck—give me a towel!”

Qin Shu laughed. “What is this, washing your face? Want me to bring you cleanser too?”

Lu Rulu realized he was clutching Qin Shu’s hand, horrified. “Sh*t! I touched my bro’s wife’s hand!”

Qin Shu was speechless. “Told you, I never should’ve drunk your milk.”

In the deep pool, a boy was swimming butterfly. Splashes hit them. Qin Shu glanced over. “D*mn, that’s pro-level.”

“Yeah, I heard the school team trains here.”

“No wonder his body’s so good—broad shoulders, narrow waist, long legs.” Realizing what he’d said, Qin Shu snapped his gaze away. “I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t looking.”

Lu Rulu teased: “So, Little Shu—between Brother Lan and that guy, whose body’s better?”

“Do you even need to ask? Of course Brother Lan’s!”

“But Brother Lan’s muscles aren’t that developed.”

“Too many muscles is gross. He’s got abs, that’s enough. He’s not supposed to be a muscle brute.”

“That guy wasn’t overbuilt either. Looked good.” Lu Rulu noticed Qin Shu giving him a weird look. “What?”

Qin Shu drawled: “Not checking out girls’ legs, but ogling guys’ abs now?”

“I’d look, but I’m scared of getting beaten up.”

After half an hour of floundering, Lu Rulu barely learned to hold his breath. Qin Shu said: “Now try grabbing a float and lying on the water.”

Lu Rulu panicked. “Will I really float? I’ll sink.”

“You’ll float if you hold your breath. I’ll watch you.”

He did as told, grabbed the float, head down in water. Qin Shu’s voice blurred: “Good, now lift your legs.”

He dared to lift off the bottom—and sure enough, floated. Excited, he forgot not to breathe underwater, choked hard, water rushing up his nose. In pain, he thrashed. Qin Shu reached to help, but someone was faster.

Lu Rulu felt strong arms grab his waist, hauling him up. His head broke the surface, and he coughed violently.

Qin Shu: “Brother Yun, you okay?”

It was normal to choke while learning, just uncomfortable. Lu Rulu waved him off. “Fine, fine. Sh*t, I forgot about the nose thing.” He turned to the guy who’d helped him—probably that butterfly swimmer—and smiled. “Thanks, bro.”

The boy pulled off his goggles, revealing a dangerously handsome face—the kind girls swoon for. “No problem.”

Lu Rulu squinted. “Wait… aren’t you…?”

The boy grinned. “Has your ex paid you back yet?”

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