If I Can’t Get the Male Lead, I’ll Just Be a Salted Fish Chapter 77

When the guy said that, Lu Rulu suddenly remembered—wasn’t this the male god his ex-girlfriend had been pining after but could never get? They’d met once around New Year’s, hadn’t added each other on WeChat, and never followed up. He hadn’t expected to run into him again here.

Lu Rulu grinned and shot back, “My ex still pestering you?”

The guy casually rested a hand on the buoy, words blunt with zero mercy to save face for the girl: “Yeah, but she annoyed me too much. I deleted her WeChat ages ago.”

Lu Rulu gave him a thumbs up. “Smart move, bro.”

Qin Shu looked on curiously. Lu Rulu explained, “Little Love Letter, remember him? I told you about him—my ex’s male god. His name is… uh, what was it again?”

The guy said, “Duan Yezhou.”

Qin Shu let out a “Wow,” and laughed. “D*mn, that name sounds like a martial-arts novel protagonist. Total opposite vibe from my Brother Yun.”

Duan Yezhou: “Brother Yun? Who’s that?”

Lu Rulu gloomily said, “…Me.”

“But aren’t you Lu Ru…?” Duan frowned, trying to recall, “Lu… ‘Donkey’? ‘Strand’?”

Lu Rulu gave up on life, eyes tearing as he surrendered to the bullying: “What year are you in? If you’re younger than me, just call me Brother Yun.”

Turns out Duan Yezhou was only a freshman, younger even than Qin Shu. When Qin Shu got called “Older Brother Qin,” he felt absurdly flattered.

After a few minutes of chatting, the coach called Duan Yezhou away. Qin Shu watched him easily climb out of the pool and sighed, “Freshman… only eighteen, right? Suddenly I feel ancient.”

Lu Rulu traced question marks in the water: “Hello? Are you okay?”

After enough practice, the two went to shower and change—and bumped into Duan again in the locker room.

He’d already finished, dressed in loose black sportswear, hair still damp. Without goggles and cap, his sharp, cocky good looks were even more obvious.

Spotting them in the mirror, Duan Yezhou smirked. “Brother Yun, done splashing around?”

His grin was that mix of roguish and handsome that could kill a thousand girls in a second. But to a straight guy and a gay with a school-heartthrob boyfriend? Just… ordinary.

“Bullsh*t,” Lu Rulu shivered under a towel, “That wasn’t splashing—that was my elegant freestyle. Free chaos swimming. Free!”

“Nice, nice,” Duan Yezhou slung his sports bag onto his shoulder. “I’m off.”

Lu Rulu stopped him. “You busy later? Want to grab food together? My treat.”

Wrapped only in swim trunks and a towel, dripping goggles and cap in hand, inviting a tall, well-dressed handsome guy to eat… This was the kind of embarrassing thing only a straight dude would do. Qin Shu, eyes burning, grabbed his clothes and escaped to the shower.

Duan Yezhou hesitated, then said, “Sure.”

“Then wait up, we’ll be quick.”

Duan Yezhou set his bag back down. “Alright.”

Lu Rulu went into the cubicle opposite Qin Shu’s, pulled the curtain shut, and turned on the water. The hot spray hit him and he felt oddly satisfied. Swimming was great exercise—but being forced to learn it? Utter torture.

He was about to wash his hair when he realized the shampoo was out. “Little Love Letter, I’m out of shampoo.”

Qin Shu: “So? Why are you telling me—am I your mom?”

Lu Rulu: “C’mon, squeeze me a little of yours.”

Qin Shu: “I’m not done yet. And I don’t want to see you naked.”

“Right, right, you can’t look. I’m afraid Brother Lan will ‘cut me down to show his devotion.’”

At the words “cut down to show devotion,” Duan Yezhou blurted a curse—what kind of dumb*ss phrase was that?

Qin Shu: “Anyway, you’ve only got a few hairs. What do you need shampoo for?”

Last semester, Lu Rulu had a death wish and decided to go for a K-pop style. He showed Tony the stylist a photo of some oppa, saying “I want this look.” Tony worked his magic—when it was done, Lu Rulu had become Lu Jingyun.

He’d nearly called the cops, but under Qin Shu’s persuasion he accepted reality. A few days later he shaved it all off. Months of suffering later, his hair finally grew back, his face was marketable again, but the name “Lu Jingyun” was now engraved into his bones forever.

Whatever, shampoo or not, he could just rinse. But then he heard Duan Yezhou’s voice: “Brother Yun, use mine.”

“Oh, okay.” Being a straightforward northerner, Lu Rulu didn’t think twice—he yanked the curtain open and took the shampoo Duan Yezhou handed him.

He didn’t bother closing it again. Looking down at the bottle, he teased, “Looks fancy. How much per use?”

Duan Yezhou, seasoned by countless guys on the swim team, was calm as ever. He even joked back: “Free. Just let me look a little longer.”

Lu Rulu blinked, then shamelessly grinned. “Go ahead, look all you want. I’ll finish the bottle.”

Qin Shu, coming out after his own shower, was dumbstruck. This… was this how straight guys talked? Wow.

After leaving the pool, the three walked toward the school gate where all the food stalls were. Lu Rulu, walking up front with Duan Yezhou, vented about his ex who still hadn’t repaid money. “If she was really broke, fine. But she’s at the mall every other day, flaunting lipsticks and perfumes on Moments—where the h*ll does the money come from? Crowdfunded brain surgery?”

“Leeching,” Duan Yezhou sneered. “Lipstick from one backup guy, perfume from another, holiday red packets from a third. Boom—money.”

Lu Rulu almost gagged on the pool water he’d swallowed earlier. Just thinking about having seriously dated such a person made him want to gouge his eyes out.

Qin Shu, having finished updating his boyfriend, peeked at the girl’s Weibo. “Ah, she just posted a new bag. Caption: ‘Got my Valentine’s gift early, so happy~’”

Lu Rulu shook his head. “Another poor sucker scammed out of money and feelings.”

Duan Yezhou thought for a moment. “I’ve got a way—maybe she’ll pay you back.”

Both turned to him. “Spit it out!”

Duan Yezhou looked mischievous, like a bad student about to stir trouble. “Buy me donuts and I’ll tell you.”

Lu Rulu & Qin Shu: “???”

Plot twist?

As a sports major, Duan Yezhou had a huge daily energy burn and often ate sweets after practice. Donuts were his weakness. So the three of them ended up in a pastel-pink dessert shop full of bows and teddy bears, ordering three donuts, plus coffee, milk tea, and orange juice. They crowded around a tiny table to plot.

Duan Yezhou, nearly 1.9 meters tall, had nowhere to put his long legs and ended up sprawling. On anyone else it’d look vulgar—but on him, it was pure swagger.

Qin Shu bit into a donut and exclaimed, “Oh d*mn this is good! I’m bringing some for my Brother—though I’ll probably eat them myself.”

But Lu Rulu’s mind was on his 8,000 yuan. “Now spill it. How do I get my ex to repay me?”

Duan Yezhou, lazily savoring his donut: “Easy. Scam her back.”

Lu Rulu & Qin Shu: “Huh??”

Duan Yezhou set his phone on the table and opened WeChat. His friend requests list showed more than a dozen waiting. “What’s her handle again?”

Qin Shu: “‘It’s Beibei.’”

He found her, hit accept, and immediately typed:

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: Why’d you delete me, senpai?】

She replied instantly: 【It’s Beibei: You deleted me first! (cry cry)】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: Really? Must’ve been by accident, sorry.】

【It’s Beibei: !!!】 

【It’s Beibei: Wuwuwu, I thought you hated me and deleted me on purpose T_T】

【It’s Beibei: I even cried for ages…】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: Hug, my bad. Don’t cry, your makeup will run.】

Lu Rulu and Qin Shu exchanged a look: The h*ll, this actually works?

“Not bad, Little Duan,” Lu Rulu teased. “Bet you’ve dated plenty of girls, huh?”

Duan Yezhou kept typing. “Even if I haven’t eaten pork, I’ve seen pigs run.”

“Yeah right. No one believes you haven’t dated.”

“Had two or three in high school. Dumped quick.” Duan Yezhou chatted casually while sparring with the girl in chat. After a while he typed:

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: Senpai, could you lend me some money? I want a pair of sneakers. My mom already sent living expenses but there’s a delay since she’s abroad. The shoes are limited edition, about to drop.】

【It’s Beibei: How much?】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: 8000.】

This time, no instant reply.

Qin Shu whispered, “Isn’t that too obvious? Asking for money right away? Most girls wouldn’t lend.”

Duan Yezhou shrugged. “She’s not ‘most girls.’”

Lu Rulu agreed: “Yeah, normal girls are adorable. Is she adorable?”

Duan Yezhou: “She knows how to play the long game. Last time she hit on a buddy of mine, she even paid for dinner. He thought she was nice, and a few days later, bam—he bought her a bag worth tens of thousands.”

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: No 8000? Forget it then.】

【It’s Beibei: No, no, I was just busy.】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: Oh. Can I borrow it then? I’ll pay you back today.】

【It’s Beibei: Of course (shy emoji)】

Soon enough, the transfer came through—8,000 exactly.

Duan said, “Brother Yun, give me your Alipay, I’ll send it to you.”

Lu Rulu was stunned. “That’s it? Already??”

Qin Shu was in awe. “Looks like bullsh*t. Actually genius.”

The chime sounded: Alipay received 8000 yuan.

Lu Rulu, hands shaking, pointed at the screen. “Little Love Letter, tell me I’m not hallucinating. Is that really 8000? My 8000, lost for over a year?”

Qin Shu solemnly: “It is. Brother Yun, you’ve won.”

Lu Rulu howled, over the moon.

But Duan Yezhou said, “Not done yet.” He opened his SMS, screenshot his bank balance (a string of digits Lu Rulu couldn’t even count), and sent it to her:

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: Right after you transferred, my allowance came in.】

【It’s Beibei: Haha what a coincidence!】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: I’ll repay you right now.】

【It’s Beibei: Okay (shy).】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: Sent.】

Two minutes later—

【It’s Beibei: Huh? I didn’t get it.】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: Oh, weren’t you owing Lu Rulu 8000? He’s right here with me, so I just transferred it to him directly.】

【It’s Beibei: …】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: He said you never paid him back. I know you wouldn’t do that on purpose, must’ve slipped your mind, so I helped settle it for you.】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: That’s okay, right, senpai? (cute.jpg)】

Even through a screen, Lu Rulu could feel her eating sh*t on the other side. He laughed like a three-hundred-pound kid.

【It’s Beibei: Haha if you hadn’t reminded me I’d totally forgotten. Rulu must be mad, saying bad things about me (sad).】

【OneBowlOfWildVeggiePorridge: It’s fine. I trust you.】

Lu Rulu slapped the table, roaring. “Holy sh*t, I’m dying—Duan Yezhou, did you take a tea-master class? That was top-tier tea!”

Duan Yezhou blinked innocently. “Self-taught.”

Qin Shu was floored, bowing in respect. “Expert.”

Lu Rulu clutched his phone, blissfully staring at the +8000. “Little Duan, whatever you want for dinner tonight, order it. Doesn’t matter if it costs all 8000.”

Duan Yezhou: “Can’t eat that much. Just get me more donuts.”

“Ok f***ing k. From now on, whenever you want donuts, come find your Brother Yun.”

They all added each other on WeChat. While setting notes, Duan Yezhou finally asked the question that had puzzled him: “Why is he called Brother Yun anyway? His name doesn’t even have ‘Yun.’”

Lu Rulu rolled his eyes. “Here we go again.”

Qin Shu, delighted at this part, put on a mysterious face: “It all started with a hairstylist named Tony. Brother Yun, can I tell it?”

Lu Rulu was numb. “As long as it’s not to my future girlfriend, go ahead. I don’t care.”