The conversation now turned to the dangers that might arise after leaving the capital.
Four years ago, when the princes were still young, he had almost lost his life when he went out of the palace. Now, one prince stood alone in power, another was crippled by illness, and a third was yet to be born. The Emperor himself was only just recovering from grave sickness. At such a time of turmoil and instability, to leave the capital – traveling so far, facing both refugees and rebels along the way – should anything happen, it would hardly be surprising.
Duke Jin’an smiled.
“I’m being serious too,” he said, shifting his posture to sit cross-legged. “I’ve known her for four years now. If not for her, I’d have been dead for four years already.”
Doctor Li spat lightly.
“Your Highness is blessed by fortune – how could you die? Even without her, there would have been someone else,” he said.
“There was no one else – only her,” said Duke Jin’an, his tone brooking no argument.
Doctor Li frowned.
“If you can’t bear to part with that young lady, then why are you still leaving the capital?” he said bluntly.
“How could I not bear to? Doctor Li, at your age, your way of thinking is truly peculiar,” said Duke Jin’an, frowning.
Doctor Li rolled his eyes.
It’s always the strange ones who think others are strange.
Three sentences, and he can’t stop mentioning that young lady – any fool could see what’s in his heart. Why keep lying to himself?
Doctor Li gave a cold snort.
But then he quickly shook his head – this was no time to be thinking about that young lady.
“Your Highness, His Majesty’s recent illness could serve as a good excuse for you and Prince Qing to return to the palace,” he said after a moment’s thought.
Duke Jin’an waved his hand, cutting him off.
“Going back to the palace would do no good,” he said, glancing toward the doorway with a faint smile. “The palace is no longer my place of safety.”
“Your Highness, His Majesty is well – even if something were to happen later… the Empress Dowager is still there,” said Doctor Li.
“And what of that? Will the Empress Dowager outlast the Imperial Consort? Outlast Prince Ping?” Duke Jin’an smiled, then turned to Doctor Li. “Unles you can think of a solution?”
Doctor Li shot him a look.
“Your Highness, I am a doctor. I only know how to treat the sick and save lives – nothing else,” he said slowly.
Duke Jin’an burst into laughter.
“Yes, I know. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have saved me back then,” he said. “Strange, though – why could no one else save me?”
Doctor Li quickly interrupted with two sharp “ai, ai” sounds.
“That’s different!” he said, glaring. “Your illness was no easy one to cure – no one but me could have done it.”
Duke Jin’an laughed again.
“Yes, yes, I know – you are both kind of heart and skilled in medicine,” he said.
Looking at the young man laughing before him, Doctor Li felt a tangle of emotions rise in his heart.
Without realizing it, the boy had grown so much.
Father… Father… save me…
Before his eyes seemed to appear once more that small, frail child curled up on the bed – that faint, pleading whisper still clung to his ears, making it impossible for him to harden his heart and walk away.
“Maybe if you go far enough this time, nothing will happen to you,” Doctor Li said suddenly.
“Maybe,” Duke Jin’an replied with a smile, lifting the teacup before him. “But I don’t like maybe – the kind of thing where others decide, and all I can do is wait.”
“There’s always at least a fifty–fifty chance…” Doctor Li said anxiously.
“A fifty–fifty chance that the Imperial Consort and Prince Ping won’t kill me?” Duke Jin’an suddenly raised his voice and shouted.
All trace of a smile vanished from his face. The room, warm as spring a moment ago, now seemed to swirl with a biting chill.
He was a duke. Though in Doctor Li’s eyes he would always be that frail little chick who had brushed so many times past death before him, he was still a noble of imperial blood.
Doctor Li froze, his expression stiffening.
“Your Highness, mind your words,” he said, bowing his head in respect.
“I will not expect, nor wait, nor beg for them to give me that chance.”
The young man’s cold voice struck down from above.
“I’m very afraid.”
Suddenly, his tone shifted – and with it, the entire atmosphere changed.
Afraid?
Doctor Li looked up in astonishment.
The young man’s gaze was fixed on the doorway. In the room, the sunlight of a February afternoon flickered and danced, casting shifting patches of light and shadow.
“Yes, I was afraid,” said Duke Jin’an. “That night, when I stood outside the palace gates and looked at the dark, looming palace walls – I was terrified.”
Doctor Li was silent for a moment.
“More afraid than of the dangers awaiting you beyond the capital – dangers a hundred times worse than a pack of night wolves?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” Duke Jin’an nodded. “When I leave the capital, I know what I’ll be facing. The key is – I can hold my own sword in my hand. If a blade comes, I can block it; if an arrow comes, I can parry it. If someone comes for me, I can face them. If they kill me, I can kill them. But that night, in that moment, facing the palace walls – even with a sword in my hand – it was useless. I could do nothing but wait.”
Doctor Li let out a soft sigh.
“So yes – I was afraid.”
Duke Jin’an spread his hands, shaking out his long sleeves as he rose to his feet.
“What I fear is not danger itself – I’m far too familiar with danger. What I truly fear is the helplessness in the face of it.”
“That’s why I would rather leave the palace and face the risks, the killings, the ambushes outside, than sit here safely in the capital – waiting for the day I am led, dazed and powerless, back into the palace, only to stand before Prince Ping on the imperial throne.”
“When I was five, I was led into the palace in confusion. I watched my father and mother leave in confusion. I was liked by them, and later despised by them – also in confusion.”
“This time, I don’t want to wait in confusion again. It may seem that I make my own choices, that I can decide certain things – but those are only small matters. In truth, everything still depends on others. Once something happens – like that night – I don’t even have the right to step inside the palace gates.”
At that, Duke Jin’an smiled again and looked toward Doctor Li.
“It was she who asked me once – whether I thought I could make my own choices. See? Just like four years ago, it’s her again, reminding me, saving me. It’s her – only her, no one else.”
Doctor Li’s expression shifted for a moment.
“Your Highness,” he said, lifting his head, “that Lady Cheng – could she help you?”
“Help me? She’s always been helping me. Oh no – she’s helped many people,” Duke Jin’an said with a smile. “The speaker may be unintentional, but the listener takes it to heart.”
“Your Highness, you know what I mean!” Doctor Li said, frowning. “If she could do something – some of those strange arts she’s skilled in – something that might make the Imperial Consort and the new Emperor wary of you, so they wouldn’t harm you…”
Duke Jin’an laughed aloud again. When his laughter faded, he looked at Doctor Li and shook his head.
“Doctor Li,” he said, “I told you – you have a kind heart.”
Doctor Li grew a little flustered and annoyed under the young man’s gaze.
“I may be kind-hearted, but I’m not foolish,” he said quickly. “I never meant for her to go and persuade those who’ve already tried to harm you twice – and whom you’ve now caught plotting against their own kin. I only meant she might do something to frighten them, so they wouldn’t dare act again.”
Duke Jin’an smiled faintly.
“The safest thing in the world – the one that brings the most peace of mind and strikes the greatest fear – is death,” he said. “Only death.”
His tone was calm, his face even carried a smile, yet Doctor Li still felt a chill run through him.
“This is my affair,” the young man continued.
“If ever I need her help, I’ll go and tell her myself – clearly, and openly. But as for this matter – this tangle of grudges and life and death between others and me – it has nothing to do with her. She doesn’t need to know, nor does she need to help me. Just like you.”
Me? Doctor Li looked up at him.
“I want to live,” said Duke Jin’an with a gentle smile. “So I asked you to treat me, to prescribe me medicine – that’s all. It’s only about me. These matters have nothing to do with you. My life and death have nothing to do with you. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be fair to you.”
Doctor Li looked at him for a moment, then sighed softly.
“Your Highness, in this world – what fairness is there to speak of?” he said quietly.
“There is,” Duke Jin’an replied. “It’s in one’s own heart.”
Doctor Li gazed at him for a while longer, then finally let out a long sigh and bowed.
“Then today,” he said, “Li Xiu will first wish Your Highness a smooth journey and a triumphant return.” He paused, then added, “May all things go as you wish.”
Once the Emperor had been persuaded about the journey to Maoping Road, convincing the others was much easier. The only troublesome part lay in arranging matters concerning Prince Qing.
“How can he stay in Prince Qing’s residence?” the Empress Dowager said, lifting a hand to wipe away her tears.
“Your Majesty,” Duke Jin’an half-knelt beside her, his expression earnest. “He is already Prince Qing – naturally, he should stay at the Prince Qing Residence.”
“Don’t speak to me of that!” the Empress Dowager said sharply, her brows rising. “He may be Prince Qing, but he is also my Liu Ge’er.”
“Your Majesty,” Duke Jin’an said, taking her arm, “if you truly care for Liu Ge’er, then let him remain outside the palace. The Prince Qing Residence is spacious and bright – I’ve even built a large training ground for his amusement, and left a hundred men there to accompany him.”
“Nonsense! Do you mean to say there are none in the palace?” the Empress Dowager said angrily, her brows furrowing.
“Your Majesty, outside the palace – he is free,” said Duke Jin’an.
The Empress Dowager grew even more agitated.
“Who in this palace would dare make him feel not at ease!” she cried angrily, jerking her hand free from Duke Jin’an.
But the duke held fast, refusing to let go.
“Your Majesty, Prince Qing doesn’t want to make others ill at ease!” he said. “Your Majesty, Prince Qing knows nothing – whether he’s in the palace, in the Prince Qing Residence, or out in the wilds, it’s all the same to him. Your Majesty – it’s all the same for him. But for others, it’s not. The princesses are all grown now; Consort An is pregnant; His Majesty is burdened with affairs of state; and Your Majesty already has so many matters to worry over. Prince Qing must not cause further trouble.”
At that, the Empress Dowager’s eyes filled with tears again.
“My son – how could he ever be called trouble?” she said.
She tried to pull her hand away again, but slowly let it fall instead.
Yes… the princesses were grown; spring was the season for running and play; Consort An was with child and growing heavier by the day; the Emperor had been ill and was wearied by government affairs…
“Your Majesty, with you here, Prince Qing will live well no matter where he is,” Duke Jin’an continued, gently shaking the Empress Dowager’s arm. “Besides, I’ve also invited Lady Cheng.”
Lady Cheng?
“What for?” the Empress Dowager frowned. “She already refused to treat Prince Qing.”
“Your Majesty, it’s not that she refused – it’s that she can’t,” Duke Jin’an corrected.
The Empress Dowager gave a snort.
“Then why invite her at all?” she demanded.
“Even if she can’t cure him, she still knows some medicine – and she does have a few rather… unusual arts,” Duke Jin’an said with a grin.
Before he could finish, the Empress Dowager cut him off with a sharp peh!
“You mean to say she can bless the house, don’t you?” she said.
Duke Jin’an burst out laughing.
“Your Majesty, a gentleman does not speak of spirits and the supernatural,” he replied, still smiling.
“I am a woman, not a gentleman,” the Empress Dowager said.
“Your Majesty, don’t tease me so,” Duke Jin’an said, laughing.
The Empress Dowager glared at him, then finally reached out and tapped his forehead in mock reproach.
“You,” she said, “I truly don’t know where you got that strange temperament of yours. With a perfectly good life before you, you insist on toiling and worrying yourself.”
“His Majesty said I take after the Empress Dowager,” Duke Jin’an replied with a perfectly straight face.
The Empress Dowager couldn’t help but laugh at that. She gave him a light pat, and after a brief moment of thought, turned to the attendants standing by.
“Take a few people with you to Prince Qing’s residence,” she ordered. “Keep watch over Prince Qing on my behalf.”
The attendants immediately bowed and answered, “Yes, Your Majesty.”
So – what parting could truly be called unbearable? There was only what was worth it and what was not.
As the Empress Dowager summoned the servants and gave her instructions, Duke Jin’an stood to the side, a faint smile lingering on his lips – so still it seemed frozen there.
