Shoutout to Alinaza for the commission!
People live in this world, and every day, they have to lose something.
Hair, flakes of skin, tears, beliefs, or emotions.
Hair and skin grow back. But those things that can’t be seen by the naked eye may never be recovered again. Or they might suddenly return one day, one moment.
No grand mountains crossed, no raging seas. Just on some ordinary day, so ordinary it couldn’t be more ordinary, they suddenly return.
This spring night was that day for Jiang Se.
Water pattered down.
Jiang Se’s long black hair draped in strands across their intertwined arms, dripping continuously.
Her body and mind had memorized those three days. Every day, whenever water fell from the shower, she felt as if she heard that thunderstorm again.
She’d once told Zhang Yue that they were people who had walked out of a storm.
She had lied to Zhang Yue.
She had never walked out of the storm from her sixteenth year.
Until today.
“Hold me tighter.” Her lashes drooped weakly, her scarred fingers hung weakly, her voice barely there. “Older Brother Huaiyan, I’m so tired.”
A person walks for five years without feeling pain or fatigue, because they haven’t yet reached their destination. She could ignore all pain and exhaustion, pushing forward on will alone.
But once she finally reached her destination, the chains forcing her to keep going shattered, and five years of accumulated fatigue crashed over her all at once.
Lu Huaiyan carried her out of the carriage, and she seemed to have returned to that night seven years ago, her whole body utterly drained.
Only this time, she was wholly herself, the Jiang Se who had finally walked out of the abandoned factory.
And this time, he had never once left.
There was still slippery foam clinging to her skin, and she felt like a slippery, completely limp fish that had lost all strength.
Lu Huaiyan supported her steadily, not letting her feel even the slightest drop.
The anger in his heart had long been suppressed by other emotions. He closed his eyes and pressed his face to hers.
Truly hopeless.
He thought.
At eleven years old, he had told himself he would never again give anyone the chance to abandon him. He would never look back. Anyone who left him, he would never turn around to seek them again.
Only with her did he fall again and again.
With just one “hold me,” he could not take even a single step away.
The light above them was scattered by the water into a conical mist.
Their skin was illuminated, like two fish in the sea, cheek-to-cheek and entwined.
Not until the skin of their fingertips wrinkled did Lu Huaiyan finally press her against the wet wall, take down the showerhead, and carefully wash away the last remnants of foam on her body.
When she was carried onto the bed, Jiang Se’s whole body was dry, her hair was already blown dry, her teeth were clean, and every wound on her body had been treated anew and was slowly healing.
Lu Huaiyan removed the bathrobes from both of them and pulled her into his arms.
They lay naked, embracing in the quiet of the night.
Jiang Se lifted her eyelids and looked at him.
The room was not completely dark. The black curtains left a thin slit, and a sliver of moonlight fell inside.
The man’s face was backlit and blurred.
But every line of his body was clear to her.
Even in complete darkness, she could trace his outline clearly.
Perhaps he didn’t know what it meant to her when he appeared in that basement and reached out to stab that knife for her.
She had imagined countless times what tonight would look like.
Maybe she would be like a machine with its power cut, covered in blood, collapsing softly in the car.
Or maybe she would wash away the filth on her body, wrap herself naked in a blanket with wet hair, and pass this night alone in a state of extreme exhilaration and extreme exhaustion.
It would never have been like now, held by someone’s solid arms, warmed by someone’s body heat.
Telling her she would not be alone.
She was no longer alone.
Sensing her gaze, Lu Huaiyan opened his eyes and met hers accurately. He said lightly, “Sleep.”
His voice was very calm, very gentle.
None of the anger or frustration from the bathroom remained.
“You haven’t kissed me.”
The two kisses, before sleep and after waking, were a habit he had intentionally formed. Jiang Se’s voice was soft, but her tone was entirely matter-of-fact.
Lu Huaiyan let out a shallow breath.
God knew how much he wanted her at that moment.
If her luck today had been even a little worse, the person he was holding now might already be a body that had lost all warmth.
Everything he had suppressed in his heart had surged into an almost animalistic instinct, wanting to claim her without restraint to quiet those emotions.
But he could feel her exhaustion, and he had touched every wound on her body.
He could not bear to want her at a moment like this.
Lu Huaiyan lifted her chin, brought his lips over, and placed a restrained, controlled kiss.
Then his large hand covered her eyes, and he repeated, “Sleep.”
As soon as the words fell, his palm tingled. The girl in his arms finally shut her eyes, falling fast asleep in almost a single second.
Lu Huaiyan waited in the dark for a moment before moving his hand away.
—
The next day was clear, with perfect spring light.
When Jiang Se woke, the man beside her was already gone, though the blankets on his side still held some warmth.
She didn’t mind.
He would appear soon enough. The moment she woke, he would come to her.
Jiang Se stepped out of bed barefoot, opened the curtains, then quietly sat on the windowsill, watching the distant river and the sunlight spilling across the surface.
Light shimmered like gold.
Every ripple the wind stirred on the river glimmered with fine specks of gold.
She had loved sunlight since she was young. She had always been fond of that flawless blue sky.
She would always love sunny days.
“You’re awake?”
His voice came from behind, followed by the light sounds of footsteps slowly approaching her.
Jiang Se looked back and met his eyes.
“Mm.”
The girl in front of him wore last night’s bathrobe, a stroke of dark green. At her side the black curtain billowed with the wind, and behind her was a vast river view gleaming with golden light.
She was wrapped in light, her black hair scattered in disarray, each strand haloed by soft morning glow.
The sickly sense of brokenness she once had was gone.
In its place was a calm and peaceful steadiness.
Those eyes that always made Lu Huaiyan feel as if no light could penetrate them, yet burned with a raging fire, were now brighter than the light behind her.
Her eyes were full of light, yet Lu Huaiyan could still see that flame deep within.
If anything in this world could burn hotter than the sun, it must be that fire burning in a person’s eyes, in their heart, in their bones.
The man walked toward her step by step, picked her up, and said, “Let’s wash up, then eat breakfast.”
In the bathroom, he squeezed toothpaste onto her toothbrush. “Open your mouth.”
Jiang Se obediently opened her mouth, letting him brush her teeth.
He was now completely familiar with doing these things.
When they came out of the abandoned factory, the wounds on her hands had split open badly. After her shower last night, Lu Huaiyan had treated and re-bandaged her wounds, brushed her teeth himself, dried her hair, then carried her to bed.
After letting her rinse the foam from her mouth, he looked at her lower eyelids and asked, “Did you sleep well last night?”
Jiang Se nodded with an “mm.”
She hadn’t slept this well in a long time.
When she woke up her body clearly hurt everywhere, yet she felt extremely at peace. As if a certain fragment that had drifted in darkness for so long had finally returned, and her whole person had a solid, grounded sense of calm.
After Lu Huaiyan finished washing her up, he directly took the medicine box to apply medicine for her, his gaze very focused.
Jiang Se lowered her head to look at his hand. The back of his hand was covered in scratches. After applying medicine to her last night he had carried her to bed, and he hadn’t re-treated his own wounds. Now the wounds were a bit inflamed.
Jiang Se tapped him with the tip of her toe and said, “You take care of your injuries first.”
Lu Huaiyan didn’t listen to her. He tugged her robe down, and she was peeled open like a lychee.
The man slowly swept over the wounds on her body, took the antiseptic and a cotton swab, and said lightly, “I’ll finish yours before I do mine.”
The cotton swab moved from the wounds on her jaw and neck toward her collarbone and shoulder. Just as it was about to touch her collarbone, the tips of Jiang Se’s fingers that were exposed outside the gauze suddenly stopped him. She said, “These places don’t need treatment. They’re all bruises. They’ll fade in a few days.”
Lu Huaiyan held her unruly fingertips. “Why don’t they need it? The entire right side is rubbed raw.”
He lifted his eyelids to look at her. “Afraid I’ll be jealous? Because these were caused by Fu Yun?”
Jiang Se tugged her fingers but failed, so she simply stayed still and quietly looked back at him.
“The wounds on your collarbone and the wounds on your wrist make no difference to me,” Lu Huaiyan released her fingers and continued what he’d been doing, placing the cotton swab on her collarbone. “They’re all your wounds.”
Any mark left when another man harmed her was her wound.
Including the marks on her collarbone.
He wouldn’t intentionally avoid these wounds and make her feel that the marks were shameful.
And he didn’t think this girl would feel ashamed.
Jiang Se slowly lowered her hand and said nothing more, letting him tend to the wounds on her collarbone.
When he finally finished treating all the wounds, he picked up a razor, soaked it in alcohol, and slowly shaved off the inflamed scabs.
His hand was very steady. It didn’t hurt at all. His brows didn’t even twitch.
After shaving off all the damaged scabs, just as the man was going to take a cotton swab to apply medicine, Jiang Se beat him to it and took the swab first.
The cotton soaked with liquid medicine, when it touched the wound, it brought a wave of coolness and stinging.
The hand she used to treat him was wrapped in thick gauze, yet it was steady without a single tremor.
After applying the medicine, Jiang Se tossed the cotton swab into the nearby trash can, lifted her eyes, and quietly looked at him.
Lu Huaiyan’s Adam’s apple moved, and he leaned down to kiss her.
He still hadn’t given this little debt-collector her morning kiss.
Jiang Se parted her teeth of her own accord, entangling with him. Lu Huaiyan cupped the back of her head and slowly deepened the kiss, then at a certain moment cut it off with a forceful little “pop.”
The man lowered his gaze to the arch of her foot that had somehow slipped beneath his clothes to hook around his waist, drew in a breath, then lifted his eyes to look at her.
The girl’s brows and eyes still held some lingering desire and unsatisfied longing.
She asked him, “Do it?”
Last night, whether in the bathroom or on the bed, she had felt his reaction. She was just too tired, like a machine that had lost power.
After one sleep, she’d regained her strength and was in the mood.
She wanted him.
The breath Lu Huaiyan had just released tightened again.
A night had passed, and all the wounds hidden beneath her flesh were now floating on her skin. Other than the foot teasing him, everywhere else was bruised. Even her kneecaps were one big mass of purple-black.
There wasn’t a single good piece of flesh on her. She was covered in injuries yet still dared to provoke him.
It wasn’t as if she’d never provoked him like this before.
Back in Tongcheng, she had done the same. One phone call dragged him back to Junyue. She hadn’t even bothered waiting for dinner. The tip of her toe had lifted the hem of his bathrobe at his waist because she wanted to do it.
But back then, she’d looked like a patient.
Now…
Lu Huaiyan looked at Jiang Se’s eyes, which were clear and calm yet tinged with a hint of desire, and seized her ankle. His Adam’s apple slowly sank. “Before your wounds heal, don’t even think about sleeping with me.”
Jiang Se: “…”
When he grabbed her ankle, he also pulled his clothes down to cover the suddenly revealed lines of his waist and abdomen.
Then he stepped back, walked out of the bathroom, and brought her a pair of indoor shoes before lifting her down from the sink.
“Come down for breakfast.”
Jiang Se watched his departing back and for a moment couldn’t quite tell if his anger had faded or not.
Most likely not.
This was the second time he’d been angry.
The previous time, when she told him she wanted to break up, he had actually been angry too. But she’d coaxed him back with one sentence: “I’ve only ever wanted you.”
This time, however, he wasn’t as easy to coax.
Even calling “Older Brother Huaiyan” so many times hadn’t worked.
Jiang Se lowered her head, slipped on her shoes, and followed slowly.
Too lazy to coax anymore.
Anyway, he wouldn’t leave her, and she wouldn’t abandon him again. So be it. Let them tangle like this, endlessly.
After breakfast, Jiang Se’s phone rang.
It was a call from Mo Jichen.
When the phone rang, she had already vaguely guessed what it would be about.
When she picked up, she didn’t say anything, just quietly listened to Mo Jichen speak. Only at the end did she say in a light tone, “Thank you for your hard work, Captain Mo.”
When the call ended, Jiang Se glanced at Lu Huaiyan and said, “Did you already know? Fu Yun was stabbed several times by Zhu Yinlin. He was in emergency care all night. He still hasn’t left the danger period.”
The man gave a cold “mm.”
Last night, while she was at the abandoned factory, he had already received the news.
He didn’t care about Fu Yun’s life or death. Whether they saved him or not, he would never let Fu Yun appear in front of her again.
“Lu Huaiyan, aren’t you curious why Zhu Yinlin went to the hospital to kill Fu Yun?”
Lu Huaiyan didn’t speak, only looked at her quietly. In his dark eyes was an unreadable kind of meaning.
Only after a long moment did he say, with a half-smile, “The moment I don’t let you sleep with me, you don’t even call me ‘Older Brother Huaiyan’ anymore?”
Jiang Se’s two hands were both wrapped in gauze. Her hands already had less strength than usual because of the pain, and when she heard this, the tea in the cup couldn’t help but ripple a few times.
She lifted her eyes: “I called you twelve times ‘Older Brother Huaiyan’.” If calling him twelve times still couldn’t coax him, then calling “older brother” was useless.
“Ten times.” Lu Huaiyan corrected her. “You can even get the number wrong. Were you not paying attention when you were calling?”
Jiang Se froze. There were two more from when she recorded the video.
That USB is still at Xinhe Residence.
She set down the teacup: “You said that if I called you once ‘Older Brother Huaiyan’, you would be the best older brother in this world.”
Lu Huaiyan let out a light laugh and replied: “And now you’re arguing? The best olderbrother in this world can’t even have the right to be angry?”
This laugh of his was completely different from the one last night in the bathroom.
No longer that kind of wounded laugh.
A whole night passed, and all those bad emotions from yesterday seemed to have been completely digested by him.
This person was both rational and restrained.
No matter how big the emotional fluctuation was, no matter how sad or painful he felt, he could suppress it with his powerful rationality.
After losing control for that moment last night, he would no longer ask her whether she had thought about what would happen to him if she died, would no longer ask if she had thought about their future, even less would he say again that leaving him was an easy thing for her.
He would never bring those words up again.
From the moment he turned around and carried her in his arms, that matter was turned over.
Even if a thorn still remained in his heart.
He used rationality to digest everything.
Not that he didn’t care. Not that he didn’t hurt. He was simply choosing the optimal solution, the optimal solution to let this relationship continue.
Just like with Auntie Han.
Back then, in private, Lu Huaiyan also called Auntie Han “Mama”. When Jiang Se fell into the water, she heard him call her that a few times.
Not the polite and distant “Mother”, but the intimate and natural “Mama”.
After Auntie Han committed suicide, he never said “Mama” again.
From then on, it was only “Mother”.
As if the Lu Huaiyan who once said “Mama” had been left behind in the past, and this was the optimal solution he chose to handle that mother–son relationship.
Jiang Se wanted to coax him again.
Even though he was now calmer and more rational than yesterday and didn’t need coaxing at all, already restored to the “Young Master Lu” others saw in him, she still wanted to coax him.
She wanted to tell him that she had indeed thought about their future.
Leaving him alone to gamble her life was never something easy.
And it was never that she hadn’t thought about what would happen to him if she lost that gamble.
All of this, she had thought about.
Jiang Se lowered her eyelashes: “Lu Huaiyan——”
The phone abruptly rang at this moment.
Her words stopped. She looked at the man across from her.
Lu Huaiyan had already swiped open the phone, gently calling: “Mother.”
Han Yin’s gentle voice came from the receiver. Jiang Se lightly sipped her tea, moistening her dry throat.
Lu Huaiyan had only poured her half a cup of tea, afraid that if it were too full, she would struggle to hold it.
In no time, the cup was empty again.
Lu Huaiyan ended the call in just a few words.
He lifted her teacup and refilled it a little. “I didn’t let Mother know about your matter.”
Jiang Se wasn’t surprised at all.
There were many things he didn’t tell Han Yin. He didn’t want her to worry, and didn’t feel it was necessary to say.
She softly gave an “mm”.
Lu Huaiyan placed the cup back before her, continuing: “On the eighteenth, I’ll take her to South Guanyin Mountain. I’ll go and return the same day, so I’ll be back late. If you need to go to the station that day, tell Mo Jichen to push it one day later, wait until I come back and I’ll go with you.”
Jiang Se looked at him without speaking.
Those words she had wanted to say missed the best timing and got stuck in her throat.
She swallowed once, then gave another soft “mm”.
