The sky had already darkened, the wind growing stronger. Sun Wenqu crouched on the ice-covered riverbank, staring toward Fang Chi’s backyard.
His hat was pulled down so far it nearly met his mask, and the hood of his down jacket was up as well, if you weren’t looking closely, you might not even realize there was a person crouching there.
It had been five minutes since Xiaozi went back, and still no one had come out of the backyard.
That old dog was completely unreliable.
Sun Wenqu hunched his neck, then started worrying, what if Xiaozi gave the bone to the wrong person? Like to Fang Chi… well, giving it to Fang Chi wouldn’t matter much. But if it gave it to Grandma, that might be trouble. He felt communicating with Grandma might not be easy.
Or maybe Xiaozi gave it to no one and just swallowed the bone, it was a bone after all…
Or maybe it gave it to Grandpa, but Grandpa didn’t understand.
Or maybe… Xiaozi just tossed the bone aside and went home to sleep.
Sun Wenqu felt that ideally only he and Grandpa should know about what he was doing here. If anyone else found out, he wouldn’t be able to save face. He’d lived thirty years not caring about anything, yet now he was crouching on a frozen rural riverbank, asking a dog for help…
If his dad found out, he might not even be able to laugh coldly.
Human potential really is limitless.
Limitless.
So cold…
Just as Sun Wenqu felt that if he crouched any longer he might freeze solid, and was debating whether to go back to the car or head straight to Fang Chi’s house, a beam of flashlight swept across the backyard.
Nice one, Xiaozi! Didn’t live all these years for nothing! That little bit of intelligence!
Someone walked out from the backyard holding a flashlight. Judging by the figure, it really was Grandpa, he had that military coat he wore all winter.
Sun Wenqu immediately stood up.
Xiaozi ran out too, barked twice, then ran toward him. Grandpa followed Xiaozi in his direction, the flashlight beam sweeping over.
Sun Wenqu walked a few steps toward the light, slipped on the ground and nearly fell, and had to stop.
Xiaozi ran fast, quickly reaching his feet, licking his hand. He patted its head. “Good dog, good boy.”
Xiaozi had indeed successfully brought Grandpa out.
When Grandpa reached him, his face was full of surprise. He shone the flashlight on Sun Wenqu’s face for quite a while before saying, “It really is Shuiqu?”
“It’s me,” Sun Wenqu smiled. “Happy New Year, Grandpa.”
“It’s not New Year yet,” Grandpa turned off the flashlight. “Why did you come?”
Originally, Sun Wenqu hadn’t been completely sure whether Fang Chi had come out, but seeing Grandpa’s attitude now, he was certain Fang Chi had confessed to his family without telling him.
This kid, quite something.
“Grandpa, I want to talk to you,” Sun Wenqu said.
Grandpa didn’t speak. After a moment of silence, he handed him the little bone and sighed. “Aren’t you cold?”
“I’m freezing to death. My car’s over there, can we sit in it?” Sun Wenqu put the bone into his pocket, stamped his feet, then remembered the gift boxes in his hand and handed them to Grandpa. “These… are good for elders.”
Grandpa looked at him, then at the gift boxes. After quite a while, he finally reached out and took them. “Why be so polite.”
“It’s not about politeness,” Sun Wenqu said.
Grandpa didn’t say anything more and slowly walked with him to the car. Sun Wenqu opened the door for him, let him get in, and then sat with him in the back seat.
Xiaozi sat obediently outside the door. Sun Wenqu waved at it; after hesitating, it jumped into the car and squeezed in by Grandpa’s legs.
After closing the door, Sun Wenqu turned on the heater, finally feeling a bit of warmth.
“Did Fang Chi ask you to come?” Grandpa looked around the car and asked.
“No,” Sun Wenqu took off his gloves, hat, and mask, letting out a breath. “He didn’t tell me anything about this. I guessed.”
“He didn’t even tell you, so why did you come?” Grandpa said.
“He thinks this is his own matter and he should handle it himself,” Sun Wenqu said. “I don’t disagree. But once I knew, there’s no way I wouldn’t come. After all, compared to him, I’m the ‘adult.’”
Grandpa looked at him and sighed.
Sun Wenqu felt a bit uncomfortable. Grandpa had been sighing ever since they met. Now, under the car’s light, he could see the exhaustion on Grandpa’s face, even the wrinkles seemed deeper.
“Grandpa, I don’t know how Fang Chi explained things to you,” Sun Wenqu said, “but if there’s anything you want to say or ask… anything I can answer, I will.”
“He didn’t say much about you. If I didn’t ask, he wouldn’t say, afraid we’d blame you,” Grandpa looked at his own hands. “I’ve hit him, scolded him, talked with him. To be honest, I don’t even know what else I can say to you now.”
“Grandpa, this really isn’t Fang Chi’s fault,” Sun Wenqu softened his voice. “If he could choose, even if you killed him a thousand times, he wouldn’t choose this path.”
Grandpa closed his eyes and sighed again.
After a while, he asked, “Does your family know about you?”
“They do,” Sun Wenqu nodded. “But… my relationship with my dad has never been good, so he doesn’t really interfere.”
“Mm,” Grandpa responded. “You two, you and Fang Chi, how long have you been together?”
“About a year,” Sun Wenqu said.
“Sigh…” Grandpa patted his leg. “We should’ve noticed earlier. He’s never been this close with anyone else.”
“Grandpa, I’m sorry,” Sun Wenqu said softly. “This kind of thing… we really didn’t dare let you know easily.”
“Today Fang Chi had a classmate’s mother talk to me for a long time. I’ve more or less understood this matter,” Grandpa looked at him. “I know… people like you, many of you can’t change. I thought about it all afternoon. Even though I don’t want to accept it, I won’t forcefully stop him…”
Sun Wenqu looked at Grandpa without speaking.
A classmate’s mother?
Which classmate?
It couldn’t be Xiao Yiming, then it could only be Cheng Mo.
Sun Wenqu was a little surprised. Just how much preparation had this kid hidden from him?
“Shuiqu,” Grandpa spoke slowly, full of fatigue, “I really can’t understand it. But even if I can’t, I still have to… after all, he’s my grandson.”
“Grandpa, you raised Fang Chi. I know how much you care about him. He feels the same,” Sun Wenqu said.
“Since you came, I’ll ask you,” Grandpa said. “Wenqu, you’re older than Fang Chi. I can see you’ve experienced quite a lot. Right now he’s completely thrown himself into you, can’t pull himself out…”
“Mm,” Sun Wenqu responded.
Grandpa paused. “What about you? I’ve been through life. At twenty and at thirty, when it comes to… relationships, what you think about is different.”
“It is different,” Sun Wenqu sniffed, turned his head and sneezed, then took a tissue and pressed it to his nose. “To be honest, I… Grandpa, what kind of person do you think I am?”
“You? Quite capable. You understand a lot, educated,” Grandpa thought for a moment. “A bit arrogant too, maybe? I felt that at first, but not anymore.”
“You’re giving me too much credit,” Sun Wenqu smiled. “Grandpa, I drove all the way here speeding today. Before you came out, I’d been freezing on that riverbank for almost an hour. Because Fang Chi didn’t want me to come, I couldn’t let him know I came.”
“You’re definitely going to catch a cold,” Grandpa said, a bit startled.
“If I hadn’t told you, would you think I’m the kind of person who would do something like this?” Sun Wenqu asked, then lowered his head and sneezed into the tissue again.
“No,” Grandpa said immediately.
“Mm, I think so too. I’m not that kind of person. I haven’t only been with Fang Chi, I’ve dated a few people before. I’ve broken up with others, and been broken up with. Some relationships I thought were serious, some not. But there’s never been anyone who could make me go this far,” Sun Wenqu said. “You’ve loved before, what you felt for Grandma back then, you must still remember. How far you’re willing to go for someone, you don’t even know yourself. Every time, it surprises you… Fang Chi is that kind of person to me.”
Grandpa looked at him, his eyes filled with both scrutiny and confusion.
“When two men are together, there’s no real guarantee. I can’t say things like I’ll definitely marry him or be married to him,” Sun Wenqu felt his throat growing dry, whether from talking too much or a bit of nervousness, he wasn’t sure. “All I can say is, I’ll make him feel happy. However long that happiness lasts, so long as he’s willing, I’ll work at it together with him. That’s it.”
“These… words of yours,” Grandpa seemed to still be thinking, “have you said them to Fang Chi?”
“No,” Sun Wenqu said. “We don’t usually talk about these things. Fang Chi doesn’t like talking about them either. As long as we understand it in our hearts, that’s enough.”
Grandpa fell silent.
He didn’t speak for a long time.
Sun Wenqu didn’t speak either. He knew that Grandpa might still not be able to accept it, but he would quietly stop forcing things, listen to what they thought, listen to what they planned to do, and then with a sigh, reluctantly give his tacit approval.
But Grandma, and Fang Chi’s parents, what would their attitudes be?
“Are you driving back to the city later?” Grandpa asked. “It’s already dark.”
“It’s fine. I’ll just drive slower,” Sun Wenqu said. “Grandpa, how is Grandma now?”
“She’s angry, can’t make sense of it,” Grandpa said. “She won’t listen to anything right now. Let her calm down first.”
“That’s what I figured,” Sun Wenqu frowned. “Grandpa, there’s something I want to say, it might be a bit too much, but I still want to say it.”
“Go ahead,” Grandpa turned to him.
“Fang Chi didn’t tell me anything. Until he’s willing to tell me, I have to pretend I don’t know. So right now he’s carrying everything alone,” Sun Wenqu looked at Grandpa. “Please help him. No matter how tough he is, he’s still young. He’s never handled something this big before. If you don’t support him, he’ll collapse.”
Grandpa let out a heavy sigh.
After talking with Grandpa for a while, Sun Wenqu felt that Fang Chi had handled things pretty well so far, there wasn’t really anything he needed to fix. The only hope was that Grandma would calm down and not fall ill because of this.
Grandpa was about to get out of the car and go back home. Sun Wenqu handed him the gift boxes once more.
Grandpa took them, then after thinking for a moment, set them down again. “I just went out for a walk and come back with these? If Grandma finds out you came, she might not be able to take it again.”
“Oh, right,” Sun Wenqu paused for a moment, “say you picked it up?”
“In the countryside, if you go out for a walk, the only thing you’ll pick up is cow dung,” Grandpa said. “Where would you pick up something this high-end?”
“How about you take it apart and put it in your pocket? When you feel tired, sucking on a slice is pretty good,” Sun Wenqu said. He actually wanted to say, give Fang Chi a box too.
Grandpa hesitated, then nodded. “That works. Let his grandma have some. Just say Old Zhang next door gave it.”
Sun Wenqu opened the gift box and put the small boxes inside into Grandpa’s pocket.
Sun Wenqu wanted to walk Grandpa back, but Grandpa stopped him. “Don’t get out. Just drive off. When you get back, drink some ginger soup, make it strong. You’re definitely going to catch a cold.”
“I’m not that delicate,” Sun Wenqu smiled.
“You’re already sneezing nonstop,” Grandpa waved his hand. “Go on, head back.”
“Grandpa,” Sun Wenqu didn’t insist anymore, “thank you.”
“For what?” Grandpa looked at him.
“Thank you for being willing to talk to me like this,” Sun Wenqu said. “And not hitting me.”
“I wanted to. Felt like you’ve got quite a temper, was afraid you’d hit back.” Grandpa turned, adjusted his clothes, and walked back with Xiaozi.
Fang Chi’s phone was ringing, it had rung several times already. He glanced at it; they were all messages from Xiao Yiming and Cheng Mo. He didn’t want to reply.
He had been lying on the bed for a long time, not wanting to move, not wanting to leave the room, not wanting to talk to anyone, just wanting to stay like this, shut in.
It was as if doing anything now, talking to someone, moving around, would deepen his guilt toward his grandparents. Only by staying like this, like a hibernating turtle, motionless and frozen, could he manage.
Cheng Mo’s mom had talked with Grandpa fairly well. Fang Chi had read the feedback Cheng Mo sent, his mom felt Grandpa was someone easy to communicate with, willing to listen, to think, to try to accept. But he still needed time to process.
After that call, Grandpa hadn’t spoken to him again. Fang Chi had no way of knowing what Grandpa truly thought.
And now the New Year was close. His parents would be back soon, what would happen then?
Relatives would also gradually return. The newly built house was already prepared; with space to stay, everyone would come back in full. With Grandpa and Grandma in this state, what would happen then?
Fang Chi felt like he couldn’t breathe. This matter was like a mountain with no summit, a road that never ended. He struggled forward, not knowing how long he could keep going, how much longer he could endure, or what awaited him ahead.
Grandma hadn’t cooked at all today. He didn’t know what Grandpa and Grandma had eaten. As for himself, he hadn’t eaten anything either, just stuffed a piece of chocolate and left it at that.
He had wanted to eat another piece, but after unwrapping it, he suddenly felt that while his grandparents were so heartbroken, him eating chocolate felt especially wrong. So he put it away again.
Now he felt very hungry. Dinner time had already passed, and hunger came in waves that made him feel uneasy.
He wanted braised pork, and chicken wings…
Fang Chi closed his eyes. He was probably so hungry he was hallucinating, he could smell the aroma of braised pork.
So fragrant…
So hungry.
“Eat something.” Grandpa’s voice suddenly sounded in the room.
Fang Chi abruptly opened his eyes and saw Grandpa placing a bowl on his table. He sprang up from the bed and jumped down. “Grandpa?”
“Your grandma didn’t want to cook, so I made noodles,” Grandpa said. “Added some braised pork. You haven’t been eating properly these past couple of days, you’re hungry, right?”
Fang Chi didn’t speak, staring at the bowl of braised pork noodles on the table.
“No matter what it is, solving it takes time,” Grandpa turned to look at him. “The bigger the matter, the longer it takes. Grandpa can’t say I fully agree with you, but you have to give us time…”
“Grandpa…” Fang Chi called out hoarsely, his voice trembling.
“Eat.” Grandpa turned and walked out.
Fang Chi went over and sat down. Looking at the braised pork in the bowl, before he could even feel anything, tears had already fallen into it. He quickly picked up the piece of meat that had been hit by his tears and stuffed it into his mouth, wiped his eyes, and lowered his head to start eating the noodles in big mouthfuls.
Grandpa’s cooking was very good, and the noodles were especially well made. Fang Chi was starving, now it tasted so good he felt like he could even chew up the bowl and table along with it.
After finishing the noodles, he took the bowl downstairs. When he came back after washing it, Grandpa stopped him. “Your grandma’s in the room, go keep her company.”
“Mm.” Fang Chi nodded and quickly walked toward Grandma’s bedroom. But when he reached the door, he suddenly felt a bit afraid.
“Go along with her, don’t argue,” Grandpa said softly from behind. “Right now nothing I say works, you need to go coax her.”
“Mm.” Fang Chi nodded and gently pushed the door open.
Grandma was leaning against the bed, propped on a pillow, with a pile of photos in front of her. Fang Chi walked over and saw they were all photos of him, from childhood to now.
“Grandma,” he pulled over a stool and sat beside the bed, reaching out to hold her hand. “Grandma, are you still mad at me?”
“Who are you? Don’t know you.” Grandma pulled her hand back and lowered her head to keep looking at the photos.
“I’m your little b*stard,” Fang Chi took her hand again and pressed it to his face. “Grandma, I know I’ve made you sad.”
Grandma didn’t speak. Tears streamed down her face. She raised her sleeve and pressed it against her eyes.
“Grandma, I’m still me, Fang Chi, your grandson,” Fang Chi said softly. “Seeing you like this really hurts me. I’m afraid you won’t love me anymore…”
“Who says I don’t love you,” Grandma cried as she slapped his shoulder, then again, “Who says I don’t love you! Who says I don’t love you! Who says I don’t love you!”
Fang Chi closed his eyes and didn’t speak.
“It’s because I love you! That’s why I can’t make sense of it!” Grandma slapped his head again, not hard. After that, she didn’t move her hand away, instead sliding it to the back of his head and gently pressing.
The spot Grandpa had struck with his pipe had swollen into a lump. It had stayed swollen, and Fang Chi didn’t even dare lie on his back to sleep. Now when Grandma pressed it, he sucked in a breath.
“Hurts?” Grandma asked.
“Mm,” Fang Chi responded.
“Good that it hurts! You deserve it! If you don’t feel some pain, you won’t know how much we hurt!” Grandma slapped him again.
“The amount you hurt is the same as how much I hurt,” Fang Chi sighed softly.
Grandma didn’t speak, looking down at the photos, wiping her tears as she flipped through them one by one.
“What a good child,” Grandma said softly. “So good, understanding, obedient, never making people worry.”
Fang Chi lowered his head and slowly leaned forward onto the bed, pressing his forehead against the edge.
“Your grandpa said this… problem of yours can’t be changed,” Grandma said. “He also said it’s not really a problem, that there are quite a lot of people like this, we just couldn’t tell.”
Fang Chi didn’t speak.
“I always hoped to see a granddaughter-in-law, to hold a great-grandchild…” Grandma started crying again. “Tell me, was it because I kept going on about these things that you got annoyed, so…”
“No, Grandma, really not,” Fang Chi tightened his grip on her hand. “I’ve always been like this.”
Grandma sighed, and after a while spoke again. “I know crying, making a fuss, getting angry, it’s all useless. Whether I get to hold a great-grandchild or not, I won’t think about it anymore. But I’m just afraid… you know how people are, so many mouths, everyone says something. Grandma feels heartache.”
“I don’t care about that. No matter how many mouths or eyes others have, I don’t care,” Fang Chi raised his head. “I only care about you. I just need you.”
“Sigh,” Grandma looked at him. After a long silence, she frowned. “Tell me, is that Sun Shuiqu really that good, that you like him this much?”
“Huh?” Fang Chi froze.
Grandma picked up a photo and gently touched it. “But it’s not just him. Your grandpa said even without him, you’d still like other men. It wouldn’t be a girl anyway.”
Fang Chi lowered his head again, leaning back onto the edge of the bed.
“I just sat here thinking, thinking, everything, nonsense and all,” Grandma wiped her tears. “I thought about that Shuiqu. When he first came, he didn’t want the old bed, had to change to a new one, wanted a mattress, curtains and bedding all had to be replaced, and all matching, no, from the same set. Even the chair had to be replaced with one you sink into and can’t get up from. Afraid of the cold in winter, afraid of the heat in summer. Picky about food too. That young master style… how did you put up with it?”
“Grandma,” Fang Chi smiled, “didn’t you like him before too?”
“Yes, I liked him before, and I don’t really dislike him now either,” Grandma sighed. Then suddenly she straightened up and slapped his back. “You’re not after his money, are you? He looks pretty rich to me.”
“What…” Fang Chi raised his head, feeling both heartache for Grandma and a sudden urge to laugh. “Am I that kind of person?”
“No. My eldest grandson is such a good child,” Grandma touched his face as tears welled up again. “How could it be… how could it be… how did it become like this…”
Fang Chi pulled Grandma into an embrace and gently patted her back.
Grandma cried very hard. From her crying, Fang Chi could hear worry, fear, anger, confusion, and grievance.
His heart ached, but he didn’t know what else to say. He could only hold her and softly repeat, “Grandma, don’t be sad. I’ll definitely be fine. So many people like me, they’re all doing fine. There’s nothing different, nothing will be different…”
When he came out of Grandma’s room, the front of Fang Chi’s shirt was soaked with her tears.
Grandpa was still sitting in the living room smoking. When he saw him come out, he asked, “Done talking?”
“I don’t know. Grandma chased me out,” Fang Chi said. “Said she wanted to sleep.”
“Then let her sleep. Crying helps a bit. Let her sleep well, we’ll talk tomorrow,” Grandpa waved his hand. “Go back and rest. I left a bottle of medicinal liquor on your table, rub some on yourself. Sleep early.”
“Mm.” Fang Chi nodded and turned to go upstairs.
“Oh right,” Grandpa added, “don’t tell your parents about this yet. Wait until after the New Year.”
Fang Chi turned back to look at him. “Okay.”
“I’ll tell them,” Grandpa said.
“What?” Fang Chi froze.
“My son, I know how to say it appropriately,” Grandpa said. “If you say it yourself, I’m afraid things will get messy.”
“Grandpa…” Fang Chi couldn’t describe what he felt, like if he said one more word, he would break down crying.
“That’s enough, go rest,” Grandpa stood up. “I’ll think things through.”
The phone was ringing. Sun Wenqu glanced at it, it was Fang Chi.
He looked at the rearview mirror, pulled over to the roadside, and answered. “Feeling better?”
“Much better,” Fang Chi smiled. “Listen to my voice, isn’t it better?”
Fang Chi’s voice sounded the same as before, no real change, still very hoarse. Sun Wenqu clicked his tongue. “Can’t tell. Old duck voice.”
“Have you eaten?” Fang Chi asked.
“A while ago,” Sun Wenqu said. “Been eating spicy hotpot these past couple of days, my tongue’s almost peeled from the heat.”
“Careful not to get heaty,” Fang Chi said. “It’s dry this season. Eat less chocolate too, that stuff causes heat and makes you gain weight.”
“Mm,” Sun Wenqu laughed. “Got it.”
“I…” Fang Chi paused, “have I ever said that sometimes I miss you a lot, like, I usually miss you anyway, but sometimes it’s especially strong, really, really strong.”
“Right now?” Sun Wenqu asked.
“Mm, so much I feel like crying,” Fang Chi said, then chuckled hoarsely twice, “ah, it’s really troubling.”
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