A flicker passed through the man’s eyes.
Jiang Fuyue didn’t miss his expression: “What exactly is wrong?”
“Nothing. Maybe I’ve just been too tired these past couple of days…”
The day before yesterday, Suisui suddenly developed a fever. Fortunately, Xie Dingyuan discovered it in time, fed her medicine, and used physical cooling methods. He stayed by her bedside the entire night before the little one finally got better.
But unexpectedly, just a day later, Niannian started having the same symptoms.
Xie Dingyuan used the same methods again. In the end, Niannian recovered, but he himself was exhausted.
“You…”
Jiang Fuyue still wanted to say something, but a knock on the door suddenly sounded.
Liu Weihua’s voice came from outside: “Professor Jiang, are you there? The network has problems again…”
Jiang Fuyue: “Okay, coming right away.”
After she left, Xie Dingyuan let out a long breath.
But just because she didn’t ask didn’t mean Jiang Fuyue truly believed him.
Once suspicion arises, flaws appear everywhere.
For example, although Xie Dingyuan took meticulous care of the two children, he rarely took the initiative to hold them.
For example, he would sit by the bed for long periods, staring at Niannian and Suisui in a daze, his flickering gaze making it impossible to tell what he was thinking.
For example, no matter how Jiang Fuyue hinted, even to the point of seduction, he refused to touch her.
Whenever Jiang Fuyue asked, he always used “too tired” as an excuse.
She wanted to ask, but he refused to communicate.
Until…
Jiang Fuyue held the child and could no longer endure it. Looking at the silent, calm man in front of her: “Two options, either you tell me, or I investigate. Choose.”
“Yueyue, I…”
“Don’t say you’re too tired. You don’t even bother changing excuses when you lie, it’s always the same trick.”
Xie Dingyuan didn’t expect his attitude to matter to her this much, and it even seemed like… she was angry?
“Yueyue…”
Jiang Fuyue pressed her lips together. She originally didn’t want to pay attention to him, but in the end, she still looked at him: “Speak.”
Xie Dingyuan sighed softly: “I’m sorry. I really didn’t expect you to care this much…”
He swore that he had really just been spacing out, staring at the two children for too long.
Ahem, and also refusing that…
“…Every time I see Niannian and Suisui, I can’t help but think, if I had been more careful back then, or more restrained, if I hadn’t touched you, then would you not have had to endure pregnancy alone on the island, suffering through all the hardships of childbirth?”
After hearing this, Jiang Fuyue was momentarily stunned.
He was blaming himself!
No wonder his gaze toward her was always so suppressed, and so heavy when looking at the children, he was feeling guilty.
But at this point, whether it was self-blame or regret, it didn’t really mean much anymore. Perhaps because he knew that, he hadn’t said anything, silently bearing it all in his heart.
Trying to digest it himself.
“The only thing I’m thankful for is that you were on the island, not having to face the gossip and rumors from the outside world.”
Pregnancy before marriage, how much harm and malice that brings to a girl, becoming the best topic of conversation and ridicule in others’ mouths.
And the one who pushed Jiang Fuyue into that situation was none other than him!
“I’m sorry, Yueyue. But it seems like I’ve done something wrong again, haven’t I?”
After hearing all this, Jiang Fuyue was momentarily at a loss.
She had never cared about the outside world’s opinions, but unexpectedly, just because she didn’t care didn’t mean others wouldn’t.
“So all these days, you’ve been struggling over this?”
The man’s brows were deep, his face filled with regret and remorse.
That’s right, how could she forget? When she first met Xie Dingyuan, he was someone who always confined himself within the rules of society.
He was rigid, conservative, principled, disciplined, practically a moral model.
Always restraining himself and abiding by propriety, never making mistakes.
After they got together, he had changed a lot, for example, he no longer calculated nutritional intake when eating, and his cleanliness obsession wasn’t excessive, but some things were deeply rooted and not easily changed.
For example, living together before marriage. And even more so, pregnancy before marriage.
Jiang Fuyue smiled, put down the child, and stepped forward, eventually pressing him against the wall: “It’s not your fault. That night on my birthday, I was the one who asked for it.”
Xie Dingyuan shook his head: “It’s not like that… I…” His throat bobbed, carrying a sense of resigned dejection, “I couldn’t resist either.”
But if Jiang Fuyue hadn’t taken the initiative, he wouldn’t have crossed that line so quickly or so easily, that was true.
Even so, what followed was indulgence.
He was immersed in it, forgot restraint, enjoyed it endlessly, unable to extricate himself, and in the end, it led to her becoming pregnant…
Jiang Fuyue looked at his dejected expression, where guilt was mixed with a hint of self-disgust: “Xie Dingyuan, listen carefully…”
He lifted his eyes in a daze.
“I don’t care how the outside world evaluates me. I only know that if I want to do something, I do it. You didn’t force me, instead, I was the one pushing you to give in again and again.”
Thinking about it now, Jiang Fuyue even felt she had been somewhat selfish. Ahem… she only cared about her own pleasure, never considering Xie Dingyuan’s thoughts.
A man so restrained had broken his own principles because of her.
For him, not resisting was far harder than resisting; doing it was more tormenting than not doing it.
Because giving up the boundaries he had upheld for years was harder than resisting temptation!
He was passive.
Jiang Fuyue was the one pulling him forward.
He could have stepped back, but to avoid disappointing her, he forced himself to move forward.
Having a child before marriage was the step that made everything collapse, he stumbled, and the long-hidden difference in their values finally erupted.
Jiang Fuyue felt it was nothing.
But he had been carrying that burden every second.
The woman stood on tiptoe and moved close, their breaths almost touching: “I don’t regret that night on my birthday, and I don’t regret giving birth to Niannian and Suisui.”
“You are the children’s father, and I am their mother. Even if we had broken up before this, I would still have chosen without hesitation to give birth to them.”
Choosing to give birth was Jiang Fuyue’s love for her children.
“There’s a line from a movie that’s very well written…” Their eyes met as Jiang Fuyue spoke word by word, “Flowers and plants will die whether someone looks at them or not; men are not important to women; women live their own lives and deaths.[1]”
If you come, we’ll love each other for a time.
If you leave, I can still continue to love life.
Rely, but do not depend, that was Jiang Fuyue.
The man was stunned for a moment. After a long while, he slowly said: “…Men are not important to women? Does that include me?”
Xie Dingyuan had always known that compared to himself, who was bound by constraints everywhere, she was truly free.
But he had never thought that to her, he might not be important?
Uh!
Jiang Fuyue got anxious: “That’s not the point, the point is the second half!”
The next second, the man turned the tables and pressed her against the wall: “Say it again, am I important or not?”
Jiang Fuyue almost laughed: “You, mm!”
Before she could finish, the man sealed her lips.
Her eyes widened, wasn’t he the one refusing to touch her?
Xie Dingyuan had already entangled himself with her, his hands tightly circling her slender waist.
With the way she had been teasing him, he had long been unable to hold back…
She lived her own life and death, while his life and death were handed to her.
If she wanted him to live, he would live.
If she wanted him to die, he would die.
Ahem…
Of course, better to be both wanting to live and wanting to die.
Note: [1] From the film The Master. Song Jia in it is truly both beautiful and powerful.
A person’s strength sometimes comes from the capital in their hands, and sometimes from the resilience in their heart.
Sister Yue has both. What’s cohabitation before marriage? She just desired Old Xie’s body, okay? Poor Old Xie was teased into retreat again and again.
What’s pregnancy before marriage? She likes it, so she gives birth.
That’s what a strong female lead story is.
P.S.: This chapter analyzes Old Xie’s inner thoughts and also clears his name a bit, it was really hard to write.
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