Chapter 31: Calm Down
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The moonlight was obscured by dense dark clouds, and without warning, raindrops started pouring down. The rain fell heavily, and the first drop landed on Shen Yao, causing his eyelashes to tremble ever so slightly.
Gone was the surprise on Shen Yao’s face when he first saw Xu Yibai. Standing in the midst of the rain, he seemed to blend into the mist. He kept his gaze fixed on Xu Yibai, his eyes showing no signs of guilt or emotion.
Xu Yibai suddenly felt a dryness in his throat. He, the one who had done nothing wrong, felt as if the fine raindrops were falling on his heart, leaving behind a chilling emptiness.
“It’s raining,” Xu Yibai spoke, his voice sounding unfamiliar and hoarse, blending with the silent rain. He turned his head away, breaking their eye contact. “Let’s go upstairs.”
Shen Yao’s apartment was just as Xu Yibai remembered, unchanged since the last time he was here. Apart from the necessary furniture, there were few decorations, giving the impression of a temporary dwelling.
Xu Yibai followed behind Shen Yao and heard the crisp sound of a switch being flipped, momentarily blinding his vision with bright light.
When their gazes met again, Xu Yibai saw Shen Yao placing the bag he had been holding on a chair and then retrieving two bottles of water from the refrigerator.
Shen Yao extended a bottle to him and casually asked, “Would you like some water?”
His arm hung in the air for a while, stubbornness causing it to stiffen and ache. Eventually, the water was taken from his hand.
Xu Yibai didn’t drink the water. He tightly gripped the bottle, and the sound of the plastic made his teeth ache.
He changed the question, “Did you and Guan Shu really date?”
Shen Yao sat on the sofa, slowly sipping from the bottle. Hearing the question, he raised his head slightly and admitted, “Yes, in high school.”
Xu Yibai’s breath tightened, and he asked, “Your first love?”
“Yeah,” Shen Yao nodded. “My first love.”
The first relationship seemed to hold special significance, hence the intentional term used to describe it, emphasizing its uniqueness and purity.
Shen Yao was his first love, but he wasn’t Shen Yao’s first love.
Xu Yibai’s throat tightened as he tried not to imagine how Shen Yao and Guan Shu had been together before, whether they had shared kisses and acted sweetly towards each other in the same way.
Or perhaps it was all things Guan Shu taught him.
Xu Yibai twisted open the water bottle and took a few sips. It was only then that he felt a bit calmer and clearer in his mind. He whispered, “Guan Shu still likes you.”
His gaze remained fixed on Shen Yao, wanting to observe his every reaction.
However, Shen Yao raised an indifferent eyebrow and countered, “Is that so?”
With his casual tone, it seemed as if Guan Shu was insignificant to him.
Shen Yao had a pair of beautiful eyes. When he quietly watched someone, it felt like he was gazing at you with eternity and focus.
But in reality, Shen Yao was simply looking at you in a detached manner. He could look at you, or he could shift his gaze to someone else.
The fatigue that had accumulated throughout the day dissipated when Xu Yibai hugged Shen Yao. Now, it was dragging him down like a fading light.
Xu Yibai spoke in a hoarse voice, persistently wanting to ask again, “You and Guan Shu…”
“Xu Yibai,” Shen Yao interrupted him, softly calling his name, not as lingering as before. He calmly said, “When I don’t explain, you should be able to guess, shouldn’t you?”
Deceiving Xu Yibai was a futile endeavor. He had never been a fool to be manipulated. He had only been deceiving himself about his feelings for Shen Yao.
“Do you really believe all the reasons I gave for our breakup? You know, when I said I wanted to break up, I genuinely wanted to. There weren’t any excuses.”
Shen Yao continued, “When you saw me getting out of Guan Shu’s car, you should have also sensed the pheromones on me. If you know Guan Shu, then you should know what kind of person he is.”
Guan Shu had no inclination to lie. His ambiguous words were all real.
Every minute and every second, Xu Yibai thought about Shen Yao. He thought about him while playing the piano and even while sleeping.
When the plane took off, he was still thinking about how to surprise Shen Yao when he appeared in front of him.
Now, he couldn’t utter a single word. His fingers clung tightly to his legs, and the vision in his eyes was becoming increasingly blurry.
Xu Yibai wanted to know what Guan Shu and Shen Yao were thinking when he stood before Guan Shu, firmly stating his belief in Shen Yao’s words.
Shen Yao disliked indecisiveness. If he had decided to sever ties with Xu Yibai, it would be better to do it decisively and push him off the cliff.
He stood up, his slender fingers gripping the hem of his clothes, lifting it up slowly and deliberately.
Shen Yao’s fair and slender waist, which Xu Yibai had touched countless times, now bore visible and alarming finger marks. Clearly, they were recent marks.
It happened tonight, just a few hours ago, when Xu Yibai, longing for Shen Yao, came to find him.
“Have you seen clearly?”
Shen Yao felt that he didn’t need to say more. He let go of his hand, and the fabric once again covered his skin.
With a crisp sound of “bang,” the bag that Xu Yibai had been holding in his hand fell to the ground, shattering the glass inside.
Shen Yao had a premonition and closed his eyes. As expected, Xu Yibai forcefully pushed him onto the sofa. As he fell, his head hit the soft cushion, making a buzzing sound.
Xu Yibai pinned him on the sofa, which was neither narrow nor wide, and his hand trembled slightly. He couldn’t believe his own eyes and hastily pulled at Shen Yao’s clothes, dragging them upwards.
He didn’t control his strength well either, and the fabric lifted over the chest. Xu Yibai not only saw the marks on Shen Yao’s waist but also saw the traces of kisses, scattered on Shen Yao’s body, as if they could never be erased.
The scene before him became increasingly blurry, obscured by a haze of heat. Xu Yibai reached out and vigorously wiped his eyes, leaving only his bloodshot eye sockets.
Apart from when Shen Yao broke up with him last time, Xu Yibai had never been so devastated and lost control.
He half-knelt on the sofa, staring intently at Shen Yao’s waist, and then forcefully pressed his hand onto it, using this clumsy and self-deceiving method to try to cover up those marks.
Xu Yibai had been tightly biting his lip, but at a certain moment, he despaired and let go. Holding onto the last shred of hope, he questioned:
“Did you sleep with Guan Shu…?”
He watched in disbelief as Shen Yao nodded expressionlessly, his breath hitching, and his blood seemed to flow backward throughout his body.
A resounding “buzz” echoed in Xu Yibai’s mind, and everything turned pitch black before his eyes. He couldn’t see anything, couldn’t hear anything.
All he knew was that he had Shen Yao’s hand in his grip, confirming his existence, and repeatedly asked, “Why? Shen Yao… why? Weren’t we in a relationship? Didn’t we reconcile?”
Xu Yibai couldn’t control his tears any longer, and they rolled down his cheeks. “Shen Yao… Do you think I don’t like you enough? Or do you like Guan Shu more? Is that why you did this?”
Shen Yao felt Xu Yibai’s tears landing on his neck, scalding hot, but he didn’t struggle at all throughout the ordeal.
“It’s neither,” he said, gripping Xu Yibai’s wrist to stop his actions. “As a boyfriend, you’re great.”
Xu Yibai’s expression turned blank, and he wiped away the tears from the corners of his eyes again. His voice grew louder as he asked, “Then why?!”
“We’ve had a perfect relationship. You can remember me forever, because I will always remember you,” Shen Yao spoke seriously, not joking at all. “We’ve done everything that can be done in a relationship, so why can’t we break up?”
Xu Yibai had never known that Shen Yao had held onto such thoughts all along. It seemed like he had just played a game of love. When Xu Yibai kissed Shen Yao with confusion and infatuation, Shen Yao stood outside of that role, watching him fall.
To Shen Yao, what did each of Xu Yibai’s expressions, emotional fluctuations, and moments of excitement truly mean?
Xu Yibai appeared to be slowly calming down, but in reality, his entire being trembled imperceptibly.
“Shen Yao, we’re in a relationship, not playing a game.”
“Of course, I know there’s a difference between love and games,” Shen Yao’s gaze was sincere. “We’re in a relationship, so every ‘I love you’ I said back then was genuine.”
“What about now? What about me?” Xu Yibai asked softly, “Are you saying you don’t want me anymore?”
He still remembered the palpitations he felt when Shen Yao hugged him from behind and asked if he wanted to be in a relationship. Every ‘I love you’ he said was heartfelt and sincere, even until now.
“Well, that’s a pity, that you like me so much,” Shen Yao raised his hand and touched Xu Yibai’s eye corner. “Life is long, and it’s normal to encounter a few people we have to say sorry to.”
Shen Yao could have easily lied to him like before, but now he didn’t even want to fabricate lies. Xu Yibai had always known that Shen Yao was indifferent towards unfamiliar people, and he used to feel excited because of that uniqueness.
In the end, it was all the same. When Shen Yao said he didn’t want something, he didn’t want it.
Staring at Xu Yibai’s handsome and gentle face, Shen Yao spoke softly again, “If you’re willing, even after breaking up, we can still hug and kiss.”
“Is it the same as you and Guan Shu?”
Those words struck a nerve in Xu Yibai’s rationality. His eyes were bloodshot as he grabbed Shen Yao’s wrist, completely losing control. “Was it the same when you were in a relationship with him? Did you play around and then leave?”
No one can tolerate their beloved being unfaithful. Xu Yibai’s mind was filled with the intrusive marks on Shen Yao’s body, and he imagined the scenes of Shen Yao and Guan Shu being intimate.
He knew how strikingly beautiful Shen Yao was back then, and he wasn’t the only one who had seen that side of Shen Yao.
The fragrance of the wind and flowers permeated the room, carrying an overwhelming sense of aggression. Anger and despair controlled Xu Yibai’s body as he roughly pulled at Shen Yao’s clothes.
He had only one thought in his mind, to cover and erase any other alpha’s traces.
Shen Yao almost got pulled off the sofa directly as his collar slipped down, revealing his shoulder, but his expression remained unchanged.
His eyes were clear, black and white. With his elbows resting on the sofa, he slightly straightened his body, narrowing the distance between him and Xu Yibai.
The past was long gone, and Shen Yao calmly recounted, “When I broke up with Guan Shu, it was just as ugly. Remember how you always asked me why, if I loved taking baths so much, there was no bathtub at home?”
“We had one before, but later, I got rid of it because Guan Shu raped me in it during our breakup.”
“Now, are you going to rape me too?”
Xu Yibai’s temples throbbed with intense pain, and his movements abruptly froze, gradually retracting as if in slow motion.
His breathing remained rapid and chaotic, and his eyes harbored a storm of confusion, but it was evident that he had become somewhat more clear-headed.
Xu Yibai squeezed his palm tightly, feeling the pain as if his heart were contracting. “After Guan Shu treated you like that… you still got back together with him?”
He was finding it difficult to control his emotions now. He felt the need to do something to vent, fearing that he might act impulsively again. So Xu Yibai turned his face away, refusing to look at Shen Yao.
As his gaze shifted, it landed on a bag beside the sofa. Shen Yao had been treating the contents of that bag with exceptional care ever since they met. He had been holding onto it, even rejecting Xu Yibai’s offer to help.
What could be inside that bag that Shen Yao valued so much? Did Guan Shu give him something in it when he brought Shen Yao back?
Xu Yibai’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and by the time he realized it, he had already reached out and grabbed the bag.
“Xu Yibai!”
Shen Yao had remained calm throughout, but this was the first time he let out such a sharp voice as he reached out to snatch the bag back.
He suddenly pounced like a small beast, catching Xu Yibai off guard. Xu Yibai held onto the bag with greater force. In the struggle, the loosely secured bag tore open at the side, revealing a pink chiffon dress.
Xu Yibai asked, “What is this?”
Shen Yao carefully retrieved the items without looking at Xu Yibai, his gaze lowered. “It’s my mother’s memento.”
Shen Yao had never talked about his family, and even when Xu Yibai wanted to know more about Shen Yao, he didn’t dare ask too much.
He had been waiting for Shen Yao to willingly share with him, and now he finally learned a glimpse of Shen Yao’s secret, but it was under these circumstances. Xu Yibai couldn’t find comforting words to say and could only utter a simple “I’m sorry.”
The rational strings in Xu Yibai tightened once again. He stood up straight, his breathing alternating between calm and rapid, and he forced himself to speak in the calmest tone possible. “I think we both need to take a moment to calm down.”
He couldn’t stay in the same room with Shen Yao any longer. Just standing there, he struggled to restrain his impulses.
After hearing the sound of the door closing, Shen Yao sat quietly on the sofa for a while. He looked up at the wall clock and finally retrieved the sleeping pills once again.
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