That day, Yan Hongzhi was not at home, having gone out to attend a banquet, so the class was changed to self-study. After copying one volume of The Collected Works of Li Taibai, Cheng Danruo went to the book repository to find the next volume.
The book repository was in the rear annex behind the study, three large rooms in total, storing nothing but books. Even in this era when printing was well developed, this was still considered an extremely extravagant matter.
Many impoverished students read few books and knew nothing beyond the Four Books and Five Classics. But this was not because they did not want to read; it was because books were too expensive. Just assembling the texts needed for the imperial examinations was already extremely difficult, let alone other collected works.
Therefore, compared with the Wang family, Cheng Danruo seemed to have lost terribly, yet if it were the Lu Zijie from the blind dates of those years, it was still uncertain who could recite more famous works and celebrated pieces.
Yan Hongzhi’s father had spent his entire life building the foremost book tower in Jiangnan, with a collection of ten thousand volumes. Although the household in the capital did not have that many, it still had several hundred volumes.
It was more valuable than money!
And the Yan family’s rule for borrowing books was that from the book repository, one could borrow only one book at a time, and only after finishing it could one borrow the next.
“Miss, you’ve come to borrow a book?” The one who controlled the key to the book repository was Yan Hongzhi’s close old servant. He pushed open the door. “It is cold today, please come in.”
Cheng Danruo nodded to him, first returned the original volume, and then went to borrow the next one.
The old servant said, “My glasses are broken, so I will trouble you to fetch it yourself.” He added, “I will go boil a pot of hot tea.”
The book repository was full of paper, and no charcoal brazier was lit, so it was very cold. Cheng Danruo pitied him for being old and dim-sighted. “Take your time. I will look for it myself.”
The old servant smiled, closed the door, and went out.
Cheng Danruo began to look for the book.
There were truly many books in the book repository. As she searched by title, her horizons were greatly broadened, and before she knew it, she was captivated, unable to resist taking volumes down to leaf through them.
Inside the room there was only the rustling sound.
Someone suddenly coughed from behind her.
Cheng Danruo was startled and turned to look, only to find Xie Xuanying standing behind her. “What book are you looking for? Let me help you find it.”
She said, “The Collected Works of Li Taibai.”
He walked to the row further inside. “It should be here.”
Cheng Danruo followed. He had already taken the third volume from the shelf, but did not give it to her. “Ahem.”
She was puzzled. “Do you have something to say?”
The bitterness in his heart deepened. “Do you dislike me?”
Cheng Danruo was astonished. “Why say such a thing?”
“Young. Master. Xie.” He said slowly, “Every time you are in front of my teacher, you call me ‘senior brother’, but in private you always remain distant.”
Cheng Danruo froze.
Xie Xuanying said, “You are afraid people will think you mean to cling to those above you, is that right?”
She said, “Yes.”
His face was expressionless. “So, you do not care whether I will be chilled at heart, is that right?”
“Young Master Xie, I am afraid you will think I am clinging to you.” She said, “Actually, I have always been very grateful to you. If not for your help, I would still be in the Chen family right now.”
Xie Xuanying was stunned.
She smiled. “Did you think I did not know it was you? It was Madam Gu who spoke up.”
He turned his face away and said nothing.
“I think you are grateful that I kept my mouth shut for you back then, and also saved the old gentleman at Tianxin Temple. But since you are unwilling to make it clear, I will pretend not to know. Still, I have always remembered this kindness. It is only a pity that I have had no chance to repay you.”
“No need for you to…” repay me, he swallowed the last two words and instead said, “If you want to repay me, then from now on, do not call me that way.”
Cheng Danruo did not care about one form of address. “What do you want me to call you?”
The tip of his heart trembled slightly, and a numb, ticklish itch crept up. He tried his best to appear ordinary. “What do you say?”
Cheng Danruo was unsure. “Xie-lang?”
He put on a stern face.
Cheng Danruo recalled ancient common knowledge and said hesitantly, “I cannot just call you by your name, can I?”
I must not get angry with her. I did not come to quarrel with her. Xie Xuanying repeated silently to himself, then said stiffly, “I rank third in my family.”
She suddenly understood and followed local custom. “San-lang.”
Xie Xuanying: “…” Forget it.
Forget it.
He handed the book over. Cheng Danruo thanked him again and reached out to take it. She tugged, but it did not move.
She thought about it and went straight to the point. “Do you have something to say?”
Xie Xuanying asked, “Do you… not want to ask me about Wang Wu?”
Cheng Danruo immediately laughed. So it turned out he had helped inquire about it, but was too embarrassed to bring up another man with her directly, which was why he had been beating around the bush like this. So she said, “Thank you. How is Wang Wu-lang?”
Xie Xuanying replied, “Not very good.”
She gave an “oh” and smiled again.
A strange quiet echoed around them. The warm winter sun shone into the study, dust rose and fell, as if book spirits were fluttering lightly.
“You,” Xie Xuanying said with difficulty, “if you want to know anything, I will go inquire about it for you.”
The moment the words left his mouth, he felt spineless, more spineless than he had ever felt in his life. But what could he do? A good man’s character concerned a lifetime. If there was something she minded, then if she did not find out early, it would be too late once the betrothal was made.
Bitterness surged into his throat. He released his hand and went around behind the bookshelf so that she would not see his expression.
“Speak. Anything is fine.”
He closed his eyes.
Yet Cheng Danruo said, “Actually, there is nothing I want to know. Does he have a bedchamber maid? Does he have a bastard son? Does he visit prostitutes? Or how many inches his shoes are, what his hobbies are, whether his tastes are sour, sweet, bitter, or spicy? I do not care at all, just as he does not care about me either.”
After all, Xie Xuanying was a gentleman, and he said reluctantly, “He – has inquired about you from me.”
“Is that so.” She said flatly, “What did he want to know about me? How much dowry I have, whether I am pretty, whether I am virtuous and filial, whether I can tolerate pretty maids?”
Xie Xuanying could not help looking at her. Why did she keep bringing up bedchamber maids? Was that what she minded most?
Cheng Danruo said, “These things are actually not important. What is important is that the Wang family wants to form a marriage alliance with the Yan family.”
“That is not how it is, Dan…,” he refuted her. “Marriage should be bound by affection. Only when two people love each other and become husband and wife can it last. If there is no true feeling between them, what meaning is there? Do not ruin yourself.”
Cheng Danruo looked up in surprise. She had not expected to hear such a progressive argument from his mouth, and could not help finding it strange.
“Do you not want to marry…” he said softly, “someone who admires you?”
“Xie-lang, I am very clear about my own prospects.” She avoided this question. “I come from a commoner background. I have no outstanding appearance, no extraordinary talent or learning. All my close relatives are dead. I have no natal family, and no dowry. An ordinary gentry household would not want me, let alone a great and eminent house.”
Xie Xuanying understood.
It was just as he had thought. The Wang family’s marriage proposal was too rare an opportunity, already her best possible destination.
But – just because of this, you want to marry him? He very much wanted to ask this question, yet could not bring himself to ask it.
Suddenly, his heart turned to ashes.
“So that is how it is.” He said, “I understand.”
Silence again.
Xie Xuanying took a deep breath and swallowed the bitterness in his throat. “You want to know whether he has a bedchamber maid, right? I will find out clearly for you – you, rest assured.”
Cheng Danruo looked at him strangely and shook her head. “No need. I have already decided to refuse this marriage.”
Xie Xuanying was stunned, almost doubting his own ears. “Refuse?”
“It is a bit ungrateful of me.” She mocked herself, “I think so too.”
The sparks that had just died out suddenly flared up in the wind, almost burning away his reason. Xie Xuanying turned around and asked in disbelief, “Why? Is it because of me, because of what I just said?”
Cheng Danruo quickly said, “It is not because of you. You need not feel guilty.”
She smiled and said calmly, “Did I not say it? No one would truly take a fancy to me. What the Wang family took a fancy to was the Yan family’s daughter. But am I that?”
Xie Xuanying said instinctively, “Of course you are.”
“I am now, and will I always be?” Cheng Danruo smiled. “Xie-lang, let me tell you a story.”
He could not help himself. “Hm?”
“Five years ago, a little girl fled for her life with her cousins. There were not many servants, nor many mules and horses. They traveled a whole day in constant fear and finally reached the city. They wanted to enter the city, but the city gates were tightly shut, so they could only risk going farther away. Who would have thought that walking by night, they would run into villains?
“Between a girl and a man, who is more important? Of course it is the men. So her cousins abandoned the carriage, mounted the donkeys, and ran away. But their luck was very bad. The villains were defeated soldiers, each carrying gold, silver, and valuables. Compared with plundering women and children, they needed mules and horses to escape even more.
“Her cousins died, and she and the servants who had been left behind survived.”
This was the truth of how Cheng Danruo had gone to the Chen family for refuge.
It was not that the Chen family’s old great-aunt cherished her like a treasure and therefore had servants send her far away. It was that both of her cousins had died violently, and only then did she have a way to live.
Cheng Danruo said, “Xie-lang, I am very grateful that you saved me. Thank you for saving me in Yancheng. I will repay you.”
Xie Xuanying felt as if his heart were being cut with a knife. He could no longer speak.
“Farewell.” She took the collected works and left the room.
At dusk, Yan Hongzhi returned drunk.
The old servant handed him a hot towel and quietly told him about the matter in the book repository that morning. Despite his age, his memory was exceptionally good, and he recounted the conversation between the two almost word for word.
At first, Yan Hongzhi still treated it as a joke. “San-lang actually said that? The poor child has been wronged.”
Later on, he gradually became serious and sighed without end. “Dan-niang sees matters too clearly, and instead harms herself by it.”
By the time the old matter had been fully recounted, there was already silent stillness.
The old servant said, “Abandoned by her cousins, sent away by her relatives, no wonder…” He shook his head, not knowing how best to judge it.
In the silence, footsteps came from outside. “Has my teacher returned?”
“San-lang, come in.” Yan Hongzhi pulled off the towel and drank a mouthful of strong tea. “Do you have something to say?”
Xie Xuanying closed the door, walked up to him, lifted his robe, and knelt down.
“Sir.” He said with utter certainty, “I want to marry Dan-niang.”
Yan Hongzhi said, “I thought you would not open your mouth to say this.”
“I was not sure. I was afraid that if I said it, it would instead make others look down on her.” Xie Xuanying said, “You indeed already knew.”
Yan Hongzhi chuckled. “Get up and talk.”
Xie Xuanying rose and sat on the stool nearby.
“San-lang, though I am old, I am not yet muddled.” He said, “The events of these past two months, I have seen them all. That you speak to me of it today is not surprising either.”
The old servant quietly withdrew and kept watch at the door.
Xie Xuanying said, “It was not that I intentionally deceived you. It is only…”
“Only that if you did not say it, you could still steal a few glances, but if you did say it, I would inevitably have to keep the two of you apart, right?” Yan Hongzhi teased, “In life I did not know longing; once I learned longing, I was afflicted by longing.”
Xie Xuanying pressed his lips together, and the tips of his ears grew slightly warm.
“Let us not speak of these things for now. If you want to marry Dan-niang, it is not something that can be done just by opening your mouth.” Yan Hongzhi was extremely clear-headed. “Even if she were my own daughter, your parents might not necessarily agree.”
He immediately fell silent.
Yan Hongzhi said, “Have you truly thought it through?”
Xie Xuanying nodded.
He had known his own feelings for some time, yet had always been lost and hesitant, not knowing whether he should reveal them, not knowing whether he could have his wish fulfilled in the future, and even… he was in fact not certain how great his own resolve was.
The difficulties were as high as a mountain. To what extent could he go for her?
It was only today, when she resolved to refuse this once-in-a-lifetime marriage, that he suddenly became firm in his confidence.
She had nothing, and yet still had the courage to refuse. Could it be that he lacked the boldness to strive for a future in which he got what he wished?
What others wanted to marry was the Cheng family’s daughter, the Chen family’s relative, the Yan family’s adopted daughter.
Only he wanted to marry Cheng Danruo.
This was a good match destined to belong to him.
Yan Hongzhi stroked his beard and smiled, then suddenly asked, “San-lang, do you know what I think?”
Xie Xuanying shook his head.
Yan Hongzhi said with deep meaning, “In my heart, Dan-niang is worthy of you, and only you are worthy of her.”
