Shen Yujiao did not wake until the afternoon.
When she opened her eyes, she saw the familiar pale-blue canopy embroidered with maple leaves and butterflies. Her mind was still hazy.
Then, memories of the previous day surged back like a tide.
She remembered the crimson bridal chamber, Xie Wuling’s burning, yearning gaze, how he had lifted her and set her down again and that deep, hoarse, despairing sigh that was equal parts rage and grief.
And then came the cool, elegant scent of sandalwood enveloping her, the heat in her body, and the soft voice murmuring by her ear:
“Yuniang, don’t be afraid.”
“It’s all right.”
“Relax.”
“Hold on to me.”
Those scenes of fevered entanglement flickered in fragments before her eyes. The soreness and exhaustion crept through her body belatedly.
She stared blankly at the bed curtains for a long time. The clearer her mind became, the more she felt how absurd everything had been.
She was grateful that Pei Xia had arrived in time.
Yet at the same time, she could not forget the redness in Xie Wuling’s eyes.
Just as he had pressed down on her shoulders and questioned her, yesterday’s events had been unbearably cruel to him.
But in that situation, she had no other choice.
Xie Wuling…
Ah.
A sigh escaped from the depths of her heart. She shut her eyes heavily, then opened them again, gathering herself as she propped up on her arms.
“Bai Ping, Dongxu?” she called softly.
Before long, the maids entered. “Madam, you’re awake. Would you like to get up?”
Shen Yujiao answered faintly, but did not rise at once. From behind the curtain she asked, “When did I return home?”
Bai Ping bowed. “Just after the hour of Chen, madam. The master carried you back himself.”
“Where is he now?”
“The master—”
Before she could finish, a flustered voice shouted from outside. “Madam! Madam, something terrible has happened!”
Both Shen Yujiao and Bai Ping froze.
When they recovered, Bai Ping frowned. “What kind of manners are these, shouting at midday?”
Qiulu was no longer the flighty little maid she once was, she had grown much steadier over the years. But now, scolded as she was, she only looked anxious. “It truly is urgent!”
“Come in and speak,” Shen Yujiao said, lifting the curtain.
Qiulu hurried inside, bowed, and blurted out, “Madam, Liu Mama just returned from buying vegetables, she says everyone outside is talking about our lord being thrown into the imperial prison!”
Shen Yujiao’s heart lurched.
Bai Ping gasped. “What nonsense is this?”
“How would I dare make up something like that?” Qiulu cried, stamping her feet. “It was Liu Mama who told me. If you don’t believe it, you can ask her yourself!”
No servant would dare jest about such a grave matter as an imperial imprisonment.
At once, Shen Yujiao recalled Pei Xia’s sudden appearance the day before.
She herself had not entered the palace, but had gone to the Honglu Temple guesthouse so how had Pei Xia known where she was, and found her so swiftly?
A storm of doubt and dread rose in her heart. She threw off the covers and said, “Go, summon Liu Mama. And fetch warm water, I need to wash and dress.”
The maids rushed to obey.
Soon, Liu Mama stood before Shen Yujiao, speaking with great care: “This old servant was buying vegetables in the western market when I heard people in the teahouse saying that the master somehow angered His Majesty, was stripped of his official rank, and taken into the Ministry of Justice’s prison… Madam, what are we to do?”
Hardly had her words fallen when hurried footsteps sounded again outside the room, Dongxu’s voice, breathless with alarm: “Madam! Bad news, Jinglin just returned and reported that the master has truly been imprisoned!”
Jinglin had always accompanied Pei Xia closely. For even him to say so…
Shen Yujiao felt the world spin before her eyes; her slender body swayed, almost collapsing.
Luckily, Bai Ping reacted quickly and caught her, helping her sit steadily by the couch.
“Madam, are you all right?”
“I’m fine…”
Supporting her forehead with one hand, Shen Yujiao said softly, “I suppose I haven’t eaten for too long and feel faint from hunger. Go fetch something for me to eat.”
Then she called Jinglin inside, questioning him from behind a gauzy screen painted with mountains and rivers.
Jinglin said, “Before being taken away, the master specially told this servant to bring a message to Madam, that you mustn’t worry. His life is not in danger.”
“The master also said there’s no need for you to intercede on his behalf. He asks that you immediately pack the trunks and take the young master back to Luoyang. Once matters here are settled, he will return to reunite with you there.”
Hearing this, Shen Yujiao could almost see Pei Xia’s expression as he spoke those words.
Even stripped of rank and bound in shackles, he would still appear calm and composed, unruffled as ever.
But he was already in prison, how could she not worry? How could she possibly act as though nothing had happened and take their child away to safety in Luoyang?
“Do you know why he was imprisoned?” she asked.
“This servant does not.”
Jinglin looked uneasy. “When the master was taken, I was resting near the Secretariat’s stables. Another servant from another household came running to find me, and only then did I catch up. But I heard people say the Imperial Guards seized him on charges of ‘defying imperial authority and committing insubordination.’”
Defying imperial authority… insubordination.
Shen Yujiao’s eyelids twitched violently. Pei Xia must have argued with the emperor over what had happened yesterday.
But how could he, how could he be so reckless!
That was the emperor.
The emperor, whose will meant life or death for his ministers; whose favor or wrath alike were considered imperial grace; an emperor who could, with a single displeased thought, annihilate an entire household!
The more Shen Yujiao thought, the more panic gripped her.
She didn’t know what Pei Xia had said to the emperor, that His Majesty would cast aside even the slightest courtesy and throw him directly into prison.
She couldn’t just sit and wait for doom—she needed to find out how serious the situation truly was.
“Prepare the carriage. I’m going to the Shen residence.”
She instructed quickly, “Dongxu, you and Qiao Momo keep a close watch on the young master, no, never mind, I’ll bring him with me.”
Leaving Di Ge’er at her maternal home, surrounded by cousins, would set her mind more at ease than keeping him alone here.
The food was soon brought in. Shen Yujiao hurriedly drank half a bowl of porridge to fill her stomach, wrapped a few pieces of cake in a handkerchief to eat on the way, and then took Di Ge’er by the hand as they left the house.
The child, unaware of the troubles outside, only knew that after studying half the day with his tutor, his mother was taking him to visit his grandparents.
There would be playmates, he was delighted.
He skipped along to the carriage, nimble as a little monkey, climbing up without help. “Last time Cousin Ah Yu said she’d take us to catch grasshoppers! Mother, can I go catch them?”
Standing by the carriage, Shen Yujiao steadied him as he climbed in, forcing a faint smile. “Yes, you may. If you like, you can stay a few more days at Grandfather’s house this time.”
“Really? That’s great!” Di Ge’er cheered, crawling happily into the carriage.
A quiet sigh escaped Shen Yujiao’s chest. She lifted her skirt and was just about to step up when, from ahead on the road, came the sharp clatter of fast-approaching hooves.
Instinctively, she looked up.
Against the pale, dim sky, a flash of bright crimson atop a tall horse caught her eyes and her gaze froze.
The rider dismounted in one smooth motion and strode toward her.
Step after steady step, each one seemed to land on the pounding of her heart.
“Greetings to Madam,” he said, bowing with formal composure.
If not for the dark shadows under his eyes and the bloodshot redness in them, his calm demeanor might have made it seem as though nothing had happened the day before.
Beneath the sleeves of pale lotus-colored silk, his long fingers tightened slightly. Shen Yujiao avoided his gaze, lowering her head to return the greeting. “Blessings upon you, Lord Xie.”
Xie Wuling looked at her silently.
Gone was the alluring woman of yesterday, today she wore a simple lotus-colored jacket and skirt, her hair arranged in a modest married woman’s bun, with almost no adornment, no rouge or lip tint.
Her fresh, delicate face was bare, pure as a lotus washed by summer rain, her beauty unadorned yet luminous.
Only the small patch of her fair neck revealed as she bowed—
—showed a faint, lingering red mark.
The sight struck Xie Wuling’s eyes like a sudden blade.
“Madam, there’s no need for such courtesy,” he said, his voice low. “Is Madam going out?”
Shen Yujiao answered softly, still not daring to lift her gaze. “I have matters to attend to outside.”
“For Pei Shouzhen’s imprisonment?” Xie Wuling asked.
Her lashes trembled.
At last, she could not resist looking up, meeting the man’s deep, steady black eyes. “You—”
“Mother, why aren’t you coming in yet?”
The child’s clear, tender voice broke her words.
Both she and Xie Wuling turned their heads at once. The dark-green carriage curtain lifted, and a small round face peeked out.
Seeing the tall, unfamiliar man, Di Ge’er was startled for a moment but soon grew calm again, his bright black eyes clear and fearless.
“Mother, who is he?” he asked.
The little boy spoke as he clambered out of the carriage, his small body seeming to want to shield his mother.
Children always had a keen sense for the world around them, the moment Di Ge’er laid eyes on Xie Wuling, he immediately felt this man was tall, strong, and carried an aura utterly different from his own father, uncles, or any of the other gentlemen he had met before.
This person looked fierce, even dangerous.
He was still young, but he was a boy, and a boy ought to protect his mother.
Shen Yujiao naturally noticed her son’s guarded posture.
She hadn’t expected that the little child Xie Wuling once saved years ago would meet him again under such circumstances.
“Di Ge’er, this is your Uncle Xie from Yanbei.”
She placed a gentle hand on her son’s small shoulder and said softly, “When you were a baby, Uncle Xie even held you in his arms.”
Hearing that, Di Ge’er dropped his guard and bowed with the manners of a junior. “Jingning greets Uncle Xie and wishes you good health.”
Looking at the little boy before him, Xie Wuling couldn’t help but feel a pang of wistfulness.
The wrinkled infant from those years ago had grown into such a fine, delicately carved young lad, polite and gentle, with skin so fair he looked almost like a smaller version of Pei Shouzhen.
Truly… enviable and a little infuriating.
Though he disliked Pei Shouzhen, toward this child, he still felt an elder’s fond affection.
Especially when he saw that round little head, he couldn’t resist reaching out to ruffle it. “Good boy. I left in a hurry today and didn’t bring a meeting gift. I’ll make it up to you next time.”
Di Ge’er felt the large, warm hand covering his head and secretly lifted his eyes to glance at this “Uncle Xie.” Deep down, he murmured to himself, though he looked a bit fierce, this Uncle Xie was also very handsome.
A different kind of handsome from his father’s.
“Lord Xie, I still have matters to attend to,” Shen Yujiao said. She was preoccupied with Pei Xia’s imprisonment and didn’t wish to linger at the gate. “If there’s nothing else, we’ll take our leave.”
“Where was Madam planning to take the child?” Xie Wuling asked.
Her lips pressed lightly together. “To my mother’s home in Xuanping Ward.”
After Duke Ying, Sun Shang’s, fall, Emperor Chunqing had reinstated her father and brothers’ official positions.
With family now restored to office, and Pei Xia imprisoned, she naturally wanted to consult her father and brothers first.
Xie Wuling was silent for a moment. “Your father and brothers are all civil officials under the Ministry of Works, and your maternal grandfather’s family are scholars as well. Will seeking them out do any good?”
Her eyes flickered slightly, her head bowing lower. “Whether it helps or not, I must first understand the truth before deciding what to do.”
Xie Wuling said, “If Madam wishes to know the truth, you can ask me.”
Startled, Shen Yujiao raised her eyes.
He gazed at her deeply. “I can explain everything to you, I can even help get him out. Why take the long way around when I’m right here?”
His voice was steady and calm, but it made her heart tremble.
After what happened yesterday, was he still willing to help her?
Or rather after yesterday, what face did she have left to ask for his help?
Her throat tightened. “I wouldn’t dare trouble you, Lord Xie—”
Before she could finish, Xie Wuling extended his hand toward Di Ge’er. “Come, let Uncle carry you inside while I discuss something important with your mother.”
The boy hesitated, looking to his mother for guidance.
Shen Yujiao wavered. She knew she shouldn’t get further entangled with Xie Wuling, but she also knew her father and brothers might not be able to do anything while Xie Wuling commanded troops. If he was willing to help, the chances of Emperor Chunqing relenting were far greater.
After a brief pause for thought, she nodded. “All right.”
Seeing his mother’s nod, Di Ge’er walked up to Xie Wuling. “Uncle Xie, I’m not light, you know.”
The corners of Xie Wuling’s mouth lifted. “Would you like to ride a big horse?”
“Ah?” Di Ge’er blinked.
Xie clicked his tongue. Clearly, Pei Shouzhen had never coaxed the boy like this.
With one hand, he lifted the child and perched him on his shoulders. “Hold on tight!”
Both mother and son were startled. Shen Yujiao quickly reached out in alarm. “Careful!”
“This little weight? I could toss him and catch him three times without breaking a sweat.”
Shen Yujiao: “……”
In the end, she couldn’t argue with him and followed behind as he carried the boy back into the residence.
On the way to the flower hall, she found herself watching that tall, broad back ahead carrying her son easily, chatting with him so naturally and her heart wavered.
If she had stayed in Jinling all those years ago, perhaps Xie Wuling and Di Ge’er would be just like this now.
He would have made a good father.
She had always known that.
It was Di Ge’er’s first time “riding a big horse,” being lifted so high, and Uncle Xie was so funny, telling him about all sorts of curious things he had never seen or heard before.
When he was finally put down, he was reluctant to part, his small face full of excitement. “Uncle Xie, will you come visit my house again?”
Xie Wuling patted his head, glancing toward the elegant figure seated at the head of the flower hall. “If your father and mother would welcome me…”
Di Ge’er piped up, “Of course they would! My tutor says ‘Isn’t it a joy to have friends come from afar!’”
“Oh? You already know how to recite classics at your age?” Xie Wuling chuckled.
“That’s not poetry, Uncle Xie, it’s from the Analects,” Di Ge’er corrected him with utmost seriousness.
Xie Wuling, fond of her child simply because he belonged to her, didn’t take offense. Smiling with narrowed eyes, he said, “Your uncle is just a rough man of arms, never read much, don’t look down on me, Di Ge’er.”
The little boy immediately shook his head. “Reading even one day brings one day’s worth of progress. As long as you’re willing to learn, it’s never too late to start.”
Hearing this, Xie Wuling suddenly thought the little fellow was rather like Jiaojiao.
Back in Jinling, she had often spoken to him with that same sincere expression, urging him to study.
In the blink of an eye, it all felt like a lifetime ago.
“Bai Ping, take the young master to the back courtyard first,” Shen Yujiao instructed calmly.
Once the maids brought in tea and snacks, she dismissed them.
Though she said “dismissed,” they only withdrew to stand outside the open flower hall, out of earshot but still able to see inside.
Even so, by strict propriety, this was already improper.
But given the circumstances, Shen Yujiao could not afford to care about decorum. She turned directly to Xie Wuling. “You know why he was imprisoned?”
Seated in the guest seat, Xie Wuling lifted the porcelain cup and took a light sip before saying, “Yesterday, upon hearing that you’d been taken into the palace, he immediately requested an audience with the emperor. The emperor refused to see him, so he forced his way in. It’s said there was a fierce argument, and in the end, the emperor told him your whereabouts.”
“As for why he was only thrown into prison today, either the dog of an emperor was too frightened yesterday and only came to his senses today, or he wanted to see how things would play out before deciding who would benefit from the chaos.”
“Whatever the reason, Pei Shouzhen’s imprisonment was inevitable.”
After all, he had confronted the emperor himself.
And what ruler could tolerate being defied so openly by his subject?
Not to mention, with Pei Shouzhen’s mouth and temper, even Xie Wuling, every time they clashed, had the urge to skewer him through with a sword.
“In this situation, if your father and brothers try to plead for him, they’ll likely end up angering His Majesty further and bring trouble upon themselves.”
Setting down the cup, Xie Wuling’s brows arched with a faint trace of scorn. “If you ask me, he deserves a good beating. Maybe then he’ll finally learn some sense.”
“Pei Xia has resigned his post several times, yet the emperor never allowed it and now he’s done something this vile…”
At the mention of yesterday, Shen Yujiao’s heart filled with fury as well. “A dignified emperor, resorting to such a despicable trick!”
How base.
Truly, that imperial sister of his, Princess Shouan, they were cut from the same cloth.
Xie Wuling, too, was seething.
The shame of yesterday, he didn’t blame Shen Yujiao, nor Pei Xia. Every ounce of resentment was directed squarely at Emperor Chunqing.
“Xie Wuling, about yesterday…”
Shen Yujiao dug her nails into her palm. She hated recalling that humiliation, but with him sitting before her, she had no choice but to speak. “Thank you.”
Xie Wuling’s lips lifted slightly. “You already said that yesterday.”
His tone was light, unreadable and that made her uneasy.
Because Xie Wuling, before her, had always been transparent with his emotions.
When happy, he smiled; when angry, his face darkened; when sad, the sorrow showed plainly in his eyes. He never made her guess.
But now his calm voice and expression left her completely uncertain.
Was it because they hadn’t seen each other for three years?
Yes, three years had passed in a blink.
The last time they had spoken face to face was at Dacien Temple, he’d worn a fake beard and a mole, smiling as he told her fortune.
Later, when he was exiled to Yanbei, she knew she shouldn’t go see him.
But Pei Xia still had a carriage prepared and sent her there.
That day, when she returned home, dusk had already fallen.
Pei Xia was sitting on the couch in her courtyard, holding a scroll. When he saw her enter, he lifted his eyes. “You saw him?”
She replied, “Mm.”
He asked again, “Did you speak?”
She said, “I didn’t get off the carriage. Just looked from afar.”
The man in the pavilion wore tattered clothes, from a distance, he looked gaunt and skeletal.
On the way back, she had been silent. She hadn’t cried.
But when Pei Xia’s clear, sharp gaze lingered on her eyes, the tears suddenly spilled down like pearls breaking loose from a string.
She panicked and tried to wipe them away, but the more she wiped, the more they fell.
Pei Xia said nothing. He put down the scroll, pulled her into his arms, and gently patted her back.
“All right, all right,” he soothed. “From now on, think of him as gone.”
She cried herself tired in his arms and murmured, “All right.”
After that, for three years, the couple never again mentioned Xie Wuling.
Until he returned to Chang’an with a presence that could not be ignored.
Only then did Shen Yujiao realize that in these three years, she had never truly looked at him, this man who had risen again from the ashes.
Her gaze settled on the sharp lines of his face.
Darker, thinner, the jawline more severe, the brows more mature.
Even sitting quietly, he exuded an unspoken authority.
It suited him.
Shen Yujiao thought this, and her brows slowly eased. “To have earned Yan Wang’s trust and risen so swiftly through the ranks… I never congratulated you properly.”
Xie Wuling looked at her. “Are you truly happy for me?”
She was startled.
Then he continued, “Do you not resent me for coming back and shattering the peaceful life you had with Pei Shouzhen? Do you not think it would’ve been better if I had died, either in the Ministry of Justice’s dungeon, or on the road to exile in Yanbei?”
The faint mockery in his words made Shen Yujiao’s chest tighten. She said, “How could you think that way…”
“What would Madam have me think?”
“Should I keep remembering your promise to me? Remember that you said you would marry me, for a thousand days and nights, never daring to forget even for a moment? Or should I go on believing that I still live in your heart, that you haven’t forgotten me, and that when I finally achieve success and honor, you’ll return to me, and we’ll be husband and wife in name and in truth?”
“Madam, what exactly do you want me to do?”
His chest rose and fell; the long fingers resting on the table edge clenched unconsciously. He was clearly restraining himself, yet he still couldn’t hide that suffocating ache within.
His heart was made of flesh too.
It could hurt, feel sorrow, feel jealousy, and disappointment…
Did she know what kind of torment it was to be abandoned again and again, to taste disappointment over and over?
Hearing his words, Shen Yujiao also knew that what had happened yesterday was, for him, a bone lodged in his throat.
But there was nothing she could say to justify herself. Even if she hadn’t been under the influence of the drug, that would still have been her own choice.
“Xie Wuling, it’s been three years…”
She straightened her back, her eyes growing calm. “I’m no longer the Shen Yujiao of those years, and you are no longer the Xie Wuling of those years. The past cannot be undone but the future is still ours to shape…”
Enough, enough.
Let it be so.
But Xie Wuling said, “It’s not the past I want. What I’ve always wanted is a future with you.”
“No matter if it was in Jinling, Ningzhou, Chang’an, or Yanzhou — everything I thought, desired, and longed for was you, Shen Yujiao, and you alone. That has never changed.”
His words were firm, each one like iron. Even his gaze burned as fiercely as ever, scorching and dazzling like the blazing sun.
Looking into those eyes, Shen Yujiao’s nose stung; pain shot through her heart as if she were being burned alive.
Under his gaze, she felt ashamed to even exist.
“But Xie Wuling, in a person’s life, there is more than love between a man and a woman.”
Her black lashes lowered, her voice softening. “In the end, I’m no longer that Shen Yujiao who fled to Jinling.”
“You may call me selfish, or faithless.”
“But what stands before me now… I cannot cast it aside.”
“Pei Xia is my husband, my kin, the father of my child, the benefactor who has shown me a debt of deep gratitude and the most rightful choice for me at this moment.”
And Xie Wuling to her—
He too was important.
But that importance, compared to everything else, could only be hidden, buried deep, turned into a memory she could never speak of again.
In the end, all she could do was sigh, if only we had met before I was wed.
“Xie Wuling, if there’s another life—”
“I don’t believe in another life.”
The fury in Xie Wuling’s eyes quieted. He looked toward the young woman sitting above, tears shimmering in her eyes. “Jiaojiao, I’ll only ask you this, if I could make Pei Shouzhen write you a divorce letter, would you still choose him? Would you still stay with him?”
Shen Yujiao met his sharp, straightforward gaze, her heart trembling.
She asked herself, would she truly divorce Pei Xia?
Would she leave him, to be with Xie Wuling?
Would she abandon everything, and give up Pei Xia?
Pei Xia — Pei Shouzhen.
Brother Shouzhen.
She closed her eyes, then rose and lifted her sleeve in salute to Xie Wuling. “If… if you can save him from prison, I, I can…”
“Say no more!”
Xie Wuling rose abruptly. The harsh words on his tongue faltered again when his eyes caught the tears trembling on her lashes.
His fists loosened, then clenched, then loosened again.
After a long silence, he gave a hoarse, bitter laugh. “I understand.”
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