The news of Pei Xia’s death in service came suddenly.
Now the Pei household was left with only Shen Yujiao as the mistress. Even though her mother and sister-in-law could lend a hand, they were still women of the house; most matters would fall on Shen Yujiao’s shoulders.
After seeing Xie Wuling off, she wiped her tears, steadied herself, and instructed the servants to prepare for the funeral. She also sent notices to friends and colleagues in Chang’an. Beyond that, she had to sort through the trunks and send letters to Wenxi.
Shen Yujiao worked tirelessly like a spinning top. Only when night fell and the household was quiet did she find a moment to rest. She took out Pei Xia’s parting letter again and read it word by word.
Even the second reading brought tears.
With no one else around, her tears could fall freely, and her grief need not be restrained.
She stared at the neat inked characters, imagining the scene when Pei Xia wrote the letter.
Snowy night in Yanzhou, at the guesthouse at midnight.
Just like this quiet night, he sat alone under the lamp, pen in hand.
Each word was filled with deep feeling, yet also unflinchingly cruel.
What had he been thinking?
He wrote, “There is no possibility of divorce unless I die.”
[“I fear to burden you, my beloved wife, and thus write this letter of release..”]
He wrote, “Yuniang, as husband and wife we are one, there’s no need for formalities.”
[“I once thought we could be one in heart and body, side by side till our hair turned white.”]
He wrote, “Yuniang, forget him.”
[“Forget the past, seek another worthy match, and live to grow old together in harmony.”]
He wrote, “Pei Shouzhen’s heart is in your hands—it is no less than anyone else’s, truly.”
[“I too will reflect upon my failings and strive for better, in hopes that in another life, I may be fortunate enough to meet you again.”]
Pei Xia.
Pei Shouzhen.
Seven years as husband and wife, yet it seemed that only today did she truly understand who he had been.
Tears blurred her vision, and only when exhausted did Shen Yujiao drag her weary body to the bedside.
Since the day she had fainted, Di Ge’er had been taken back to the Shen residence by Madam Li, still unaware of Pei Xia’s death.
Shen Yujiao did not know how to tell the child; she thought to delay it a few days, at least until she herself, as his mother, could compose her own emotions.
As she closed her heavy eyelids, she thought, “Brother Shouzhen, come to me in my dreams. Let me say a proper goodbye… even if only in a dream.”
But he was too miserly, unwilling to come.
She slept the whole night without dreams.
Upon waking, Shen Yujiao went to the mirror.
The reflection showed her face worn and haggard, eyes swollen and red.
Seeing herself like this, she was startled, not just the maids, even she herself.
The household servants could not hide their grief either. Bai Ping and Qiulu had cried in private; word of the death had reached Qiao Momo, who lived outside, and Xiaying and Dongxu, both married women, who all came to visit with red eyes.
For now, Shen Yujiao said, “Go boil an egg, it will help a little.”
Qiulu obeyed. Bai Ping held a comb to brush Shen Yujiao’s hair, trying to comfort her, yet words failed her.
After all, the lady and her husband had been famous in Chang’an for their devoted love. Now, after half-dead paulownia and frost, the once-paired mandarin ducks flew apart.
Even the servants felt the sorrow; how much more the lady, who had lived it herself.
The comb in Bai Ping’s hand paused.
Shen Yujiao lifted her eyelids from the bronze mirror. “What is it?”
“Nothing… nothing,” Bai Ping shook her head, continuing to comb.
Shen Yujiao tilted her head, watching her.
Under her calm, clear gaze, Bai Ping lowered her eyes and whispered, “I saw a white hair.”
Shen Yujiao murmured, “Just this? Pull it out for me.”
Bai Ping bit her lip. “Then please bear with it.”
Shen Yujiao smiled. “It’s just a hair, not a knife.”
A small sting came from the scalp.
The white hair was handed to her. She twirled it between her fingers and murmured softly, “Already… a white hair.”
Bai Ping didn’t dare mention it, for yesterday there was none.
Shen Yujiao stared at the white hair and remembered last year, when she had pulled one from Pei Xia.
Now she too had white hair.
It seemed they were truly no longer young.
—
Di Ge’er’s fifth birthday was simple.
Shen Yujiao cooked him a bowl of longevity noodles, then led him to Pei Xia’s study. Standing before the trunk, she told him of the death.
Di Ge’er was naturally clever. Though kept in the dark at his maternal grandparents’ home, he had already noticed the adults’ careful behavior and evasive glances.
Seeing his mother in black, eyes red, he finally understood.
“Daddy went to that very faraway place too, just like Great-Grandmother?” Di Ge’er asked.
Shen Yujiao nodded. “Yes.”
“Then… will he come back?”
Shen Yujiao was silent for a moment before saying softly, “He probably won’t.”
Di Ge’er fell quiet too, lowering his small head and staring at the tips of his shoes.
After a while, he murmured, “But what should I do if I miss him…”
Shen Yujiao had thought her tears were all gone, yet at those words, her nose stung again.
She pulled Di Ge’er into her arms, pressing her cheek to his. “If you miss him… then… then write him a letter.”
In her embrace, Di Ge’er’s muffled voice came out: “Will Daddy be able to receive it?”
Shen Yujiao said, “He will, I think.”
“Okay, then I’ll write him a letter.”
“Mm.”
After a moment of quiet, the child in her arms seemed to sigh. “But Daddy promised he’d take us to Qujiang to go spring outing, to fly kites together.”
“How could Daddy lie…”
“He used to tell me that a gentleman must keep his word.”
Di Ge’er muttered in confusion, but no answer came.
When he finally wriggled out of her embrace and lifted his small head, he saw that his mother’s face was already full of tears.
Di Ge’er panicked, hastily using his tiny hands to wipe her tears. “Don’t cry, Mother. Did I say something wrong? You can scold me if you want. Or… hit me if you must.”
Through her blurred tears, Shen Yujiao looked at that little face so like Pei Xia’s and for a moment it was as if she were seeing Pei Shouzhen at five years old.
He had been about that age when he lost his father too.
Had he also, back then, wondered in confusion where his father had gone?
She couldn’t know. The only thing she knew for sure was that she didn’t want Di Ge’er to become another Pei Shouzhen.
Or rather, she didn’t want his childhood to be that bitter and burdened, bearing so much responsibility and pressure at such a young age.
Too exhausting.
Looking back at Pei Xia’s short life: son, husband, father, subject—had he ever known a single day of true happiness?
Shen Yujiao gazed at the vast, silent rows of books in the study, unable to find an answer.
—
The funeral in Chang’an was set for the eighth day of the third month. That day, the Pei residence in Yongning Lane was crowded and bustling. Aside from relatives, friends, and court officials, a great number of Imperial Academy students came of their own accord to offer condolences, leaving behind countless elegiac couplets and poems.
Both the Emperor and the Empress Dowager sent offerings. Pei Xia was posthumously granted the title “Duke Zhong,” with the posthumous name Wenzhen, and was enshrined in the imperial ancestral temple.
Di Ge’er, only five years old, inherited his father’s rank under his father’s protection, becoming the youngest duke in Great Liang.
Pei Xia had no brothers. On the men’s side, the family’s elder cousin and Shen Yujiao’s elder brother helped lead five-year-old Di Ge’er in receiving the male guests. On the women’s side, Shen Yujiao herself received the visiting ladies.
Seeing her wan and haggard, many of the ladies couldn’t help but wipe their own tears, offering soft words of comfort:
“Please restrain your grief.”
“You must stay strong.”
“At least you have a child to depend on.”
“Raise him well, and it won’t be in vain for all you and your husband shared.”
Shen Yujiao replied faintly, “Yes,” but her mind, unbidden, turned to her mother-in-law, Madam Wang.
It had been many years since she’d had any contact with her, and even when she and Pei Xia had brought Di Ge’er back to Wenxi before, though mother- and daughter-in-law lived under the same roof, they hadn’t seen each other.
But ever since she heard the news of Pei Xia’s death, Shen Yujiao would now and then think of Madam Wang, think of that long-ago widow and the child Pei Shouzhen who had lost his father young.
Two utterly different women, yet at this moment, their fates overlapped in a strange and chilling way.
She couldn’t quite describe the feeling, only that there was a thread of inexplicable fear.
Why fear, she didn’t dare think too deeply. Nor did she have the time—
There were too many things to take care of, and only after arranging them all could she allow herself to think.
As it was only a minor funeral rite, after three days of mourning, the Pei residence returned to quiet.
The carriages and trunks for the journey back to Wenxi were nearly ready.
Before leaving, Shen Yujiao brought Di Ge’er into the palace to offer thanks and farewells to the Emperor and the Empress Dowager.
The Emperor did not appear; Shen Yujiao and Di Ge’er merely knelt and kowtowed three times outside the Zichen Hall.
At the Cining Palace, both Empress Dowager Yang and Empress Lu were present. They sighed with sorrow, offered words of condolence, and told Shen Yujiao to grieve with measure, to care well for her mother-in-law after returning to Wenxi, and to raise her child properly.
After Shen Yujiao and her son left, Empress Lu also took her leave from Cining Palace.
Standing outside the palace gates, she watched the mother and son’s departing figures, then sighed to the old nurse beside her. “Pitiful, truly pitiful.”
The nurse said, “Indeed.”
Empress Lu then murmured in relief, “Good thing my elder brother didn’t go, or else it would be my sister-in-law we’d be mourning today.”
The nurse said, “Your Majesty was wise.”
—
The next morning, Shen Yujiao departed Chang’an with Di Ge’er and Madam Li.
The Pei residence in Yongning Lane was half emptied. Most of the servants accompanied Shen Yujiao back to Wenxi, leaving only a few locals to look after the house.
Before leaving, Shen Yujiao stood at the gate of the elegant courtyard for a long time.
That winter, Pei Xia had first taken her by the hand and brought her here, saying that from then on, this would be their home.
Back then, her heart had floated unanchored, without any sense of belonging.
Now, years later, this not-so-grand residence had, without her realizing, come to hold countless memories and had truly become the home in her heart.
But now, the master of the house was gone, and she had to leave with their child.
“Yuniang, it’s getting late, we should go,” someone called.
The dark green carriage curtain lifted, and Madam Li softly reminded, “We’d better hurry if we want to make good time.”
“I’m coming.”
Shen Yujiao looked at the two vermilion-inked characters Pei Residence on the blue name plaque and exhaled deeply.
Truly, she couldn’t bear to leave.
Turning, she stepped into the carriage. Seeing her reluctance, Madam Li tried to comfort her. “The house is kept. When you return to Chang’an someday, you can still come back and live here.”
Shen Yujiao answered faintly, “Yes.”
Madam Li saw how listless she looked and knew well that these days had been a long, tormenting trial for her, both physically and mentally.
Poor child, she thought. So young, already widowed… And to make it worse, she would now have to live under the same roof in Wenxi with that spiteful old woman. Who knew what kind of hardships awaited her there.
But there was no other way. With her husband gone, she and her son, widow and orphan, could not remain in Chang’an, and certainly not in her parents’ home. According to custom and propriety, she had to return to her husband’s family, serve her mother-in-law, and raise her son. That was the duty of a wife and a mother.
Because of this, Madam Li had already cried several times at home.
She had even tried asking her husband, “Can’t we think of some way to let Yuniang stay in Chang’an? Back when Shouzhen was alive, that old Madam Wang dared to harm her like that. Now that he’s gone, won’t my poor Yuniang be bullied to death?”
Shen Hui had felt for his daughter too, but now that she was a married woman of the Pei family, the rules were the rules, she had to remain with them.
Pei Shouzhen was gone, but the Pei clan still existed, and Di Ge’er was the heir of the next generation. If they didn’t return to the Pei household, where else could they go?
And as a wife, with her husband gone, she was all the more obligated to show filial piety to his mother. That was the unshakable moral order of heaven and earth. What could they do?
Unless—
“Unless the Pei family writes a letter of separation, freeing her from them. Then our daughter could stay with us, and her brother and sister-in-law would care for her for the rest of her life,” Shen Hui had said.
Madam Li’s eyes had gone wide. “How could you! What about Di Ge’er then? How could you have the heart to separate mother and child?”
Shen Hui had sighed helplessly. “If she returns to the Peis, you pity your daughter. If she comes back to us, you pity your grandson. What do you expect me to do?”
So Madam Li could only cry again. “Heaven has no eyes… How could such a good man as Shouzhen be gone just like that…”
Thus Madam Li resolved that once she returned to Wenxi with her daughter and grandson, she would, come what may, make things clear with that old Madam Wang.
If that woman dared to mistreat her daughter even a little, she would risk her own life to stand up for her.
While Madam Li was rehearsing in her heart what she would say to Wang, Shen Yujiao turned to her and confirmed again, “Father, brother, sister-in-law, and the others, Grandfather, Uncle, Aunt, they’ll all reach Wenxi by the twentieth, won’t they?”
“Don’t worry, I’ve already told them several times,” Madam Li replied.
She assumed her daughter simply wanted her maternal relatives there to lend presence and support so that the Pei clan would see she still had family to rely on.
“Your father, brother, sister-in-law, and nephews will definitely attend the funeral. You needn’t worry about that. As for the Li side, your uncle and aunt said they’ll certainly come. Your two cousins’ families too, if nothing urgent delays them, they should arrive as well. But your grandfather… he’s old now, and since your grandmother passed away before the New Year, he’s been in poor health. I told him to just rest at home if he can’t manage the journey. As for your aunt…”
Madam Li sighed. “You know your aunt’s situation. She surely can’t travel that far. She’ll send a younger clansman to bring a condolence gift, just as a token.”
Once a woman marries, her life is no longer her own.
So it was for her aunt, so it was for Madam Li, and so it was for Shen Yujiao.
Hearing this, Shen Yujiao could only silently pray, that on the day of the mutiny, they would all remain safe at home and not go out.
Seeing her daughter still so downcast, Madam Li gently patted her hand. “Don’t worry. I told your father that I’ll stay with you in Wenxi for a while. When your aunt arrives later, I’ll take her with me to meet your mother-in-law.”
She glanced at Di Ge’er, who had already fallen asleep in the swaying carriage, then lowered her voice. “Don’t be fooled by how soft-spoken your aunt looks, when she was younger, her tongue was sharp as a blade. She’ll make sure that old Wang woman gets her comeuppance.”
Shen Yujiao couldn’t help but give a muted laugh. After a moment’s silence, she said, “We’ll see when the time comes. After all, it’s been so many years… and now my husband…”
She looked at Di Ge’er’s sleeping face and pressed her lips together. “She’s a pitiful woman too.”
Widowed young, and now, in old age, bereaved of her only son.
Pei Xia’s death must have struck Madam Wang far harder than it did herself.
Shen Yujiao could hardly imagine how much pain the old woman must have felt upon hearing the news.
But ten days later, when the carriages finally reached Wenxi, she saw it for herself—
An old woman who had lost her son, her temples gray, her eyes lifeless, her body emaciated to the bone.
The silk robe of dark stone-blue hung on her like an empty frame of bones, hollow and weightless, making her seem all the more like a wandering ghost refusing to leave the mortal world.
The once-proud daughter of the illustrious Wang clan of Langya, the high-minded mistress of the Pei household, had now become a half-mad shell of herself.
Even with all their past grudges, Shen Yujiao’s heart sank at the sight.
The old nurse beside Madam Wang called to her several times before she finally stirred, as if waking from a dream, and turned her vacant gaze toward the newcomers.
Her dull, emotionless eyes swept past Madam Li, paused briefly on Shen Yujiao, then drifted downward.
When they landed on Di Ge’er, she froze and then, all at once, a faint light flickered to life in her eyes.
She called out, “Sixth Lang—”
Di Ge’er grew frightened and instinctively hid in Shen Yujiao’s arms.
Shen Yujiao shielded the child in front of her. Madam Wang frowned, her phoenix eyes filled with resentment and hostility as she looked at her.
Shen Yujiao’s eyelashes trembled. She took a deep breath and was just about to step forward when Madam Li blocked her instead. “Dear in-law, it’s been many years. How have you been?”
Looking at that slightly stooped figure standing protectively in front of her, Shen Yujiao was briefly dazed then her heart softened.
She, too, had a mother to protect her.
Madam Wang was not completely insane. It was just that Pei Xia’s death had dealt her a severe blow, leaving her emotions fragile, most of the time she was like a hedgehog with all its quills raised, gloomy, sharp-tongued, and bitter.
Shen Yujiao could understand that.
After all, for Madam Wang, Pei Xia had been the spiritual pillar of her life, the work into which she had poured most of her energy and years.
Now that everything had turned to dust, it was no different from the sky collapsing.
After a few weak, polite exchanges with Madam Li, Madam Wang instructed Shen Yujiao to take charge of the funeral arrangements as though it were a matter of business, then claimed fatigue and dismissed them.
Naturally, Shen Yujiao and Madam Li did not wish to remain long in that oppressive, medicine-scented room and rose to leave.
“Let Di Ge’er stay. I haven’t seen him in so long, there’s much I wish to say.”
Shen Yujiao’s steps faltered.
She turned toward Madam Wang, who was sitting upright by the couch. The older woman also looked back at her, those dark eyes calm and deep.
There was no reason to stop a grandmother from spending time with her grandson.
Shen Yujiao bent down and gently said to the boy, “Your father isn’t home. Would you keep your grandmother company for a while?”
Though Di Ge’er was a bit afraid of his grandmother’s current demeanor, he remembered how kind she had once been to him. So he obediently nodded. “Okay.”
And so, Di Ge’er stayed in Madam Wang’s courtyard.
When Shen Yujiao and Madam Li stepped out, Madam Li kept looking back.
Shen Yujiao supported her and reminded her softly, “Mother, the stone path is slippery. Watch your step.”
Madam Li frowned. “I can’t rest easy with the child left there.”
Shen Yujiao said, “What is there to worry about? Di Ge’er is her only grandson. She wouldn’t harm him.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”
Madam Li clasped her daughter’s hand, full of concern. “I’m afraid that old shrew will say something to the boy, try to sow discord between you two.”
Shen Yujiao gave a small sound of surprise.
Madam Li’s expression hardened. “Don’t doubt it. There are plenty of women who bad-mouth the mother in front of her own son. And now that Di Ge’er is the only male heir of the main branch, with Shouzhen gone, who knows, she might shift her affections and try to take your son from you.”
Shen Yujiao’s brows moved slightly; for a moment she didn’t know what to say.
Madam Li, worried her daughter would suffer, refused to leave. She pulled Shen Yujiao to a nearby pavilion and proceeded to lecture her on every rule and precaution of inner-courtyard life.
It was as if she were making up for the seven years of lessons that had been missed.
She went on and on until Di Ge’er finally came out, led by Nurse Wei. Only then did Madam Li stop, her mouth dry.
Wei Momo, seeing that the mother and daughter had not left, didn’t seem surprised. She led the boy forward. “The Old Madam instructed that this old servant must personally hand the young master back to Madam.”
Shen Yujiao nodded. “Thank you, Wei Momo.”
The old woman gave a respectful bow and left.
Once she was gone, Madam Li immediately bent down and asked Di Ge’er, “Good child, what did your grandmother say to you just now?”
Di Ge’er blinked his clear eyes. “Nothing much. She just asked if I’ve been well, if I’ve been sick, if the carriage ride was tiring, what I ate today…”
The little one chattered on about small things.
Hearing nothing but ordinary concern, Madam Li quietly breathed a sigh of relief.
Shen Yujiao chuckled softly. “Mother, you worry too much.”
Madam Li said, “Perhaps. But in this kind of household, it’s always safer to stay cautious.”
Shen Yujiao replied, “Yes.”
After days on the road, both women were tired and went to their rooms to rest.
Shen Yujiao led Di Ge’er back to her quarters, found him a book, and told him to sit and read quietly while she went to instruct the servants to prepare hot water and supper.
Suddenly, Di Ge’er put down his book and ran over to her. “Mother.”
Shen Yujiao crouched down. “What is it?”
“When Grandmother asked me earlier, I didn’t tell her the truth.”
Shen Yujiao paused. “Oh?”
Di Ge’er said, “Actually, Grandmother said some other things too.”
Shen Yujiao’s gaze flickered, but her expression stayed calm. She asked gently, “What else did she say?”
Di Ge’er hesitated for a while, then clenched his small fists. His dark eyes so much like Pei Xia’s lifted to hers, and he asked in a low voice, “Mother, will you… remarry?”
