Chapter 158
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Rebuilding the Silk Road is fraught with difficulties and dangers on both routes.
In comparison, the maritime route is more dangerous than the overland route. People living on land have always been curious and fascinated by the sea and the sky. The people of Great Heng want to open new roads, see the scenery of various countries, and spread the glory of Great Heng to every visible place.
This is the goal of some ambitious young officials and the goal of everyone gathered around Gu Yuanbai.
They no longer just long for a peaceful and prosperous era; they desire more. The magnificent rivers and mountains, the flourishing Jingping era, stir up grand passions in the hearts of men.
Gu Yuanbai’s vision extends far beyond thousands of miles. The vast land—coasts, grasslands, deserts—makes his heart extraordinarily broad, nurturing ambitions that are not to be shared lightly.
He is not someone indulged in romantic love, nor does he usually find companionship particularly important. But now, thinking about Xue Yuan leaving the capital to retrace the Silk Road, he tasted a bit of bitterness.
Gu Yuanbai has long been accustomed to having Xue Yuan by his side: someone who cares when he’s cold, worries when he’s hot, hands him warm water when he wakes up at night, and soothes him back to sleep. Looking back, he realizes it’s already the 14th year of Jingping.
It’s been four years since Xue Yuan gave him the wood carving in the 10th year of Jingping.
If Xue Yuan leaves this time, it would be for three to five years. If Gu Yuanbai’s health does not improve, how can he wait for three to five years? Now that his health has improved and there’s time, Gu Yuanbai doesn’t want to let Xue Yuan go.
He wants Xue Yuan to stay within his sight, always visible. But Gu Yuanbai also admires Xue Yuan’s vibrant sense of freedom, like wild grass and wild animals, full of vitality and untamable wildness. He should be running freely, not being kept as a pampered flower under Gu Yuanbai’s protection.
A man’s ambitions lie in all directions, and Gu Yuanbai understands that. But it’s not just a short period; it’s years upon years, the grass turning yellow and withering in the night, frost and snow coming and going multiple times.
At night, Gu Yuanbai faced the wall, thinking aimlessly about what he truly wanted Xue Yuan to do.
But he couldn’t figure it out. He doesn’t want Xue Yuan to leave, but he doesn’t want him to stay either. His usual decisiveness and clarity were nowhere to be found.
Someone behind him reached out a hand, groping for his hand under the covers. Gu Yuanbai didn’t move, and Xue Yuan snuggled up closer.
His breath brushed against his neck, and Xue Yuan didn’t speak, but he tightened his grip on Gu Yuanbai’s hand. The rough calluses rubbed against his skin, a touch that Gu Yuanbai knew intimately. Xue Yuan’s thumb gently caressed the back of his hand, as if to reassure him.
After a moment, Xue Yuan asked in a low voice, “Can’t sleep?”
Gu Yuanbai instinctively made his breathing steady, pretending to be asleep. Xue Yuan chuckled softly, “If you can’t sleep, let’s go for a walk.”
“How did you know I wasn’t sleeping?” Gu Yuanbai finally spoke up.
“Heartfelt connection,” Xue Yuan replied, lifting the blanket and getting out of bed to fetch Gu Yuanbai’s clothes. He held him by the bed, “How about wearing this dark blue robe?”
Gu Yuanbai nodded silently. Xue Yuan knelt down on one knee, lifting his foot onto his knee to carefully adjust his white socks.
He was so serious, almost solemn. Gu Yuanbai looked down at him, seeing only his dark, handsome brows. Since Xue Yuan had come to Gu Yuanbai’s side, he had meticulously attended to every detail, serving him with heartfelt devotion. From unfamiliarity to proficiency, this prideful noble had taken over Gu Yuanbai’s daily care.
“I should give you an extra stipend,” Gu Yuanbai remarked, “Take half of Tian Fusheng’s salary.”
Xue Yuan laughed, “Steward Tian must hate me by now.”
He helped Gu Yuanbai dress, smoothing out the wrinkles in his long robe, adjusting the silver-threaded edges, and slowly tying the azure cloud dragon-patterned belt around his waist. Once Gu Yuanbai was properly dressed, Xue Yuan quickly dressed himself, and they quietly left the dim palace together.
There wasn’t much to see in the imperial garden at this hour, but Gu Yuanbai looked up to see the sky filled with dazzling stars.
Xue Yuan walked with him, asking, “Do you want me to leave?”
“Up to you,” Gu Yuanbai continued looking at the sky, “Whether you want to stay or go, no one can persuade you otherwise.”
Xue Yuan tightened his grip on his hand, “How do you know I won’t be persuaded if you don’t try?”
Gu Yuanbai fell silent, and Xue Yuan’s eyes flickered with disappointment. “Sometimes I wish I could crawl inside you and see what you’re thinking.”
Gu Yuanbai replied, “Then you should crawl into my brain.”
It was probably around two or three in the morning. In the middle of the night, the two of them were in the dark imperial garden. Gu Yuanbai suddenly realized this and cursed himself, “Idiot.”
Xue Yuan was displeased, “Why are you cursing yourself?”
“…Can’t I even curse myself?”
He suddenly felt an inexplicable sense of grievance. Startled, Xue Yuan tried to console him, “Don’t curse yourself. Curse me instead.”
Gu Yuanbai lowered his eyes, his mouth set in a stubborn line. His resolute expression softened Xue Yuan’s heart. Embracing him, Xue Yuan expressed his heartfelt desire, “I wish I could carry you with me always.”
Gu Yuanbai mumbled in his arms, “Carrying me with you isn’t possible, but if you—”
Xue Yuan looked down at him, “If what?”
Gu Yuanbai continued, “If you stay by my side, it would be like carrying me with you.”
He actually said it, but as soon as he did, he snapped back to reality.
No.
This wasn’t like Gu Yuanbai.
If he wanted to go, he should go. If he wanted to come back, he should come back. Why get all clingy? Using emotions to bind someone to give up their ambitions? If anyone tried to do that to Gu Yuanbai, he would avoid them like the plague.
Love isn’t the only thing in the world, and Xue Yuan shouldn’t be confined to Gu Yuanbai’s side. All the efforts he had made were for achieving merit.
Now, with such a significant opportunity for merit before him, Gu Yuanbai couldn’t allow personal feelings to hold back a talented individual who could benefit the nation. With the prosperity of an entire country at stake, Gu Yuanbai couldn’t let love constrain someone so valuable to the state.
Taking a deep breath, Gu Yuanbai gradually became resolute. “I misspoke; you should go.”
Xue Yuan was taken aback, “Does Your Majesty really want to let me go?”
“Of course I don’t want to,” Gu Yuanbai forced a stiff smile, “But this is a rare opportunity for you to achieve great merit. Will you miss it?”
In the past two years, Xue Yuan’s actions had already drawn considerable attention. It seemed he had a natural instinct for sensing danger, a trait that also served him well in politics. Holding his current position at such a young age was already remarkable, but to advance further, he would either need to accomplish significant deeds outside the capital or slowly build his credentials over time.
To reach the position of Grand Chancellor would take at least a dozen years.
Reopening the overland Silk Road was an excellent opportunity for significant accomplishments. Xue Yuan was indeed tempted. His goal in achieving merit was to stay by Gu Yuanbai’s side openly and honorably, to become his pillar of support. Slowly building credentials was not a viable method for him. This opportunity was excellent, but the only drawback was the long and distant journey. Just thinking about it, he already felt a sense of repulsion.
Being away from Gu Yuanbai for several years was something Xue Yuan couldn’t accept.
“The empire is vast, and opportunities for merit are numerous; there’s no need to rush this one,” Xue Yuan smiled, holding Gu Yuanbai’s hand against his cheek, “Whatever you say goes. Missing this chance isn’t a big deal.”
He hinted, “Your Majesty, I’m speaking the truth.”
“Then go,” Gu Yuanbai said, touching the corner of his eye, “You’re not young anymore.”
“…I’m still young.”
Gu Yuanbai smiled, tracing from his eye to his high-bridged nose, “It’ll be good for you to go. You’re my eyes; when you see those countries, it’s as if I’m seeing them.”
Xue Yuan looked down at him, silent for a long while. His eyes blended with the night, filled with the pain of impending separation and the frustration of wanting to retreat.
Finally, Gu Yuanbai said, “Go.”
The stars formed a river in the sky, and the spring breeze moved gently even at night. Xue Yuan’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and after a long time, he reluctantly agreed, “Alright.”
***
There was much preparation needed before setting out on the Silk Road, at least six or seven months of work. From that night onwards, Xue Yuan clung to Gu Yuanbai day and night. Gu Yuanbai indulged him greatly, and traces of their time together could be found throughout the palace.
It was like a desperate entanglement before a life-and-death parting. As preparations became more thorough, Xue Yuan became increasingly intense, sometimes pressing Gu Yuanbai’s back at night, like a pair of dying mandarin ducks, whispering, “Your Majesty, after I leave, will others climb into this bed?”
When Gu Yuanbai reassured him that they wouldn’t, he would ask again, “What if you come to like someone else?”
He would ask Gu Yuanbai ten times a day if he liked him.
As the time for separation drew near, his evident panic grew. The composure cultivated over two years shattered. Fear and anxiety nearly consumed him. He would often stare at Gu Yuanbai until his fingers trembled, becoming irritable and repressed, leading to alarming weight loss before the departure.
Gu Yuanbai knew Xue Yuan was reluctant to leave but hadn’t realized it was this severe.
Even during the day, Xue Yuan would sometimes fall into the despair of impending separation, trapped by his emotions, only waking up to Gu Yuanbai’s soft calls. Day after day, the bloodshot veins in his eyes deepened. One night, Gu Yuanbai awoke with a start to find that Xue Yuan hadn’t been sleeping but staring at him intently.
Those eyes in the night looked like they were clinging to their last hope.
Sleep had become a waste of time for Xue Yuan; he couldn’t bear to sleep, preferring to spend the time looking at Gu Yuanbai.
Gu Yuanbai set aside all state affairs, pressing Xue Yuan into bed during the day, “You need rest.”
Xue Yuan looked at him with bloodshot eyes, so exhausted that Gu Yuanbai wondered how he could still keep them open. The strength it must have taken to resist his body’s exhaustion was unimaginable.
The bedding was soft, the scent of sunlit herbs lingering. Yet lying there, Xue Yuan remained motionless, staring at Gu Yuanbai.
Gu Yuanbai covered his eyes, “Jiuyao, close your eyes and sleep, okay?”
Xue Yuan didn’t want to disappoint Gu Yuanbai, but as soon as darkness covered his vision, the fear of not seeing Gu Yuanbai overwhelmed him. He resisted the urge to remove Gu Yuanbai’s hand, trying to sleep, not wanting to worry him.
But his jaw clenched, the muscles trembling in intense struggle.
Seeing him like this, a sudden rush of heat filled Gu Yuanbai’s eyes, like an overturned bottle, and he broke down, clenching his mouth shut to stifle any sound as tears fell like pearls.
Hot, sorrowful tears landed on Xue Yuan’s face.
Startled, Xue Yuan’s jaw relaxed, his initial panic turning into helplessness. Raising his hand, still unable to see, he said, “Don’t cry, don’t cry. I’ll sleep, I’ll sleep right now.”
Darkness engulfed him, the young emperor’s cold fingers covering his sight tightly. Xue Yuan couldn’t see what Gu Yuanbai looked like but felt the tremble of his fingers and the suppressed sobs.
Tears fell faster, as if they were pouring from Xue Yuan’s eyes.
Gu Yuanbai cried uncontrollably, his face reddened by the fierce emotions, eyes blurred.
It was too torturous, the sudden wave of sadness uncontrollable, no willpower strong enough to prevent the breakdown.
It was so painful. Why was love so painful?
Seeing Xue Yuan like this made Gu Yuanbai extremely distressed, as if he were drowning in a deep sea, his breaths intermittent, with his eyes openly expressing his emotions.
He felt heartbroken for Xue Yuan.
So heartbroken.
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Oh god! These idiots…