Chapter 159
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Gu Yuanbai never imagined there would be a day when he would break down because of someone else.
Someone so composed like him now could only vent his sadness in great torrents, embarrassingly like a flood exceeding the riverbank, suddenly crashing down from a great height.
Xue Yuan, feeling the hot tears falling on his face, found that in the darkness, his heart was calmed by these silent, hot tears.
“Yuanbai, don’t cry.”
Gu Yuanbai struggled to suppress his trembling voice. “Sleep.”
Gu Yuanbai was right there. Xue Yuan hadn’t felt this reassured in a long time. He obediently closed his eyes and gradually fell asleep.
As soon as he fell asleep, his snores began. The floodgates of Gu Yuanbai’s emotions tightened with each snore. He withdrew his hand, his eyelids swollen, and when he looked down, it seemed as if Xue Yuan’s face had been washed by his tears.
“Tian Fusheng,” his voice hoarse, “bring some water.”
The chief eunuch, who had been anxiously listening outside the door, carefully brought in the water himself, serving the emperor by washing his face, his eyes lowered to avoid seeing the emperor’s tear-streaked face.
When Gu Yuanbai spoke again, he had regained his composure. “Tell me, should I let him go?”
Tian Fusheng cautiously replied, “The State Affairs has already recorded Lord Xue’s name in the register.”
Gu Yuanbai was silent for a long time. He placed the cloth soaked in warm water over his eyes and sighed tiredly, “I didn’t intend to keep him here.”
Gu Yuanbai was a proud person, and so was Xue Yuan. Gu Yuanbai understood him; Xue Yuan didn’t really want to refuse the Silk Road mission. He just didn’t want to leave Gu Yuanbai.
Xue Yuan feared becoming a stain on Gu Yuanbai’s reputation, so he worked desperately to earn merit, striving to become a worthy minister and someone Gu Yuanbai could rely on.
Gu Yuanbai’s achievements were already numerous and could be listed one by one. From his early days of removing the corrupt official Lu Feng to the present, his civil and military accomplishments were substantial. In this peaceful era, Xue Yuan had done all he could to earn merit over the past two years, but they were all minor accomplishments, far from sufficient.
Apart from external assignments or accumulating experience over time, the Silk Road was the greatest opportunity to earn merit. If he could rebuild the Silk Road, it would be an achievement worthy of history, ensuring Xue Yuan’s name would be remembered alongside Gu Yuanbai’s. This was why so many officials were willing to take on this perilous journey.
Missing this opportunity, even if he attempted the Silk Road a second time, the merit wouldn’t be as significant as this.
Staying in the capital to accumulate experience would mean enduring potential impeachment for sleeping in the palace. Ten or twenty years of enduring this… by the time they were immune to censure, how old would they be?
They would be old by then.
In their youth, with their strongest feelings, they had to eat and sleep cautiously, fearing others would find out. This wasn’t Gu Yuanbai’s style, nor was it Xue Yuan’s. Ultimately, merit was necessary. With merit, Xue Yuan would have the confidence, and no matter how many “inappropriate” accusations the censors made, it wouldn’t matter. People would see it as the emperor favoring a capable minister, with a harmonious relationship between ruler and subject.
Only by reaching a certain level could their closeness be seen as a commendable trait, free from stigma.
Gu Yuanbai tried to see things from Xue Yuan’s perspective and got a good understanding of his thoughts. The words Xue Yuan had said to him surfaced in his mind, and he smiled weakly, feeling his eyes warm again.
When Xue Yuan woke up, he needed to have a proper talk with him.
They couldn’t continue like this. If they did, he would never believe anyone who said love was sweet again.
“Bring another basin of water.”
Tian Fusheng respectfully complied, bringing another basin of warm water. Gu Yuanbai washed the cloth, wrung it out, and personally wiped Xue Yuan’s face.
Xue Yuan was already exhausted, his eyes shadowed with dark circles, his face much thinner. The rapid weight loss from emotional turmoil was alarming, and it was uncertain if his body could handle it.
Gu Yuanbai focused on his task. Tian Fusheng, watching from behind, hesitated for a long time before softly suggesting, “If Your Majesty doesn’t want Lord Xue to go on a long journey, he could go to Ningxia or Gansu instead.”
“General Zhang Hucheng has been stationed in the northwest for two years,” Gu Yuanbai replied. “There are still many factions secretly plotting to restore their nations in Ningxia and Gansu, constantly causing trouble. With Zhang Hucheng in the northwest, they fear his army and dare not act rashly. This is Zhang Hucheng’s merit, and no one can take it away, not even I can send someone to interfere midway. Now that the world is at peace, the military merits from before have all been rewarded. It’s not easy to earn new merits now.”
“Besides Zhang Hucheng, the officials sent to those regions are busy quelling local unrest to seek merit from me. They are eager and hardworking, striving to make achievements. And as for Shaanxi, the newly annexed prefecture is well-governed. Corruption in Great Heng is under control; no one dares to act out, and the Censorate is doing a good job. There’s no easy way to intervene.”
Tian Fusheng’s lips moved a few times before he regretfully said, “I spoke foolishly.”
Gu Yuanbai shook his head and asked him to fetch more water. “He is anxious, and so am I. Having a confidant is rare. Once he starts striving for the court, it’s not surprising that staying a night in the palace attracts attention. But if I keep him close as a minor imperial guard, what a waste of such a great talent. How could I do that?”
He had to let go.
Liking someone means respecting them; he had to let Xue Yuan go, whether for public or private reasons. It would be a pity not to use Xue Yuan’s talents, and Gu Yuanbai, who valued capable people, couldn’t waste such potential.
Tian Fusheng’s nose tingled, and he started wiping his eyes. “You and Lord Xue have it so hard.”
Gu Yuanbai couldn’t help but laugh. He took the cloth and continued wiping Xue Yuan’s hand, his fingers threading through Xue Yuan’s, cleaning the scars on his palm. “…It’s not hard. We have clothes to wear, food to eat, and the country is peaceful. What’s hard about that? The weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I look forward to the day when he can truly share that burden with me.”
The large hand in his grasp suddenly twitched.
The sun set in the west, and the night deepened.
Gu Yuanbai had unknowingly fallen asleep beside Xue Yuan. When he woke up, he found himself being held by Xue Yuan, sitting on a couch by the window.
A light blanket covered them, and the crescent moon outside the window looked like a ship sailing afar.
Xue Yuan’s hair slid from his side to Gu Yuanbai’s chest, and the pale moonlight flickered like rippling water. Gu Yuanbai leaned against Xue Yuan’s chest, listening to the frogs croaking outside, leisurely enjoying the present tranquility.
With his head resting against Xue Yuan’s chin, Xue Yuan loosely encircled him, saying, “I understand Your Majesty’s intentions.”
Gu Yuanbai replied lazily, “Only now?”
Xue Yuan couldn’t help but lower his head to kiss Gu Yuanbai’s hair. Suddenly, he said, “I am willing to go, and I want to return as soon as possible. Tormenting myself only makes Your Majesty suffer too; it’s really inappropriate. I won’t do it again, Your Majesty, but before I leave, I have one request.”
Gu Yuanbai asked, “What is it?”
Xue Yuan untied his belt, his loose robe falling open to reveal a solid chest. He picked up the dagger next to the couch, removed the sheath, and handed the blade to Gu Yuanbai, his gaze clear. “I want you to leave a mark on me.”
Gu Yuanbai was surprised, holding the dagger. Xue Yuan smiled and said firmly, “Please grant me this favor, Your Majesty.”
After a long while, the tip of the dagger touched his chest. Gu Yuanbai whispered, “It will hurt.”
Xue Yuan shook his head. “Do it.”
Resolutely, Gu Yuanbai carved the character “白” (Bai) on the skin before him. Fortunately, the character was simple, and as soon as the blood began to flow, Gu Yuanbai withdrew the dagger.
Xue Yuan watched him quietly as Gu Yuanbai wiped away the blood with a handkerchief. Some blood had flowed down to his waist, so Gu Yuanbai called for ointment and carefully applied it, saying, “Many young officials in the court want to seize this opportunity to earn merit. I don’t want you to miss it. I understand why you want to earn merit and why you don’t want to leave—it’s just reluctance… The Grand Chancellor has recommended you several times. He suggested an external assignment for three years, after which it would be easier for you to be promoted. But a three-year external assignment versus three years on the Silk Road—the Silk Road holds greater merit, right?”
Xue Yuan hummed in agreement.
As the bleeding gradually stopped, Gu Yuanbai continued slowly, “If our love is meant to last, we need not worry about being together all the time.”
Xue Yuan’s hand trembled slightly.
“If it didn’t involve me, if it were just about the Silk Road, would you go?” Gu Yuanbai asked.
Xue Yuan exhaled and replied without hesitation, “I would go.”
He had long wanted to see those foreign lands.
Gu Yuanbai smiled silently. “Go with peace of mind; I’ll be waiting for you in the capital.”
“Do you know why I want to go?” Xue Yuan slowly spoke. “I used to wonder if it was worth it. Leaving you for three to five years was against my wishes.”
Gu Yuanbai smiled. “A man’s ambitions lie far and wide, Xue Yuan. I am not an ordinary man; I am the emperor. The world occupies a large place in my heart. Parting is hard, and to be honest, I don’t want you to leave. But you are doing this for the country and the people. Only by doing this can you stand by my side with confidence, making it impossible for me to abandon you, giving you the confidence to stay.”
“You don’t want to leave a stain on my reputation,” Gu Yuanbai said earnestly, “but to truly achieve this, you must appear to have no private relationship with me. Even if I stop liking you in the future, if I grow to dislike you, then you would be truly speechless, unable to say anything, having to swallow your grievances.”
As he spoke, real worry appeared on Gu Yuanbai’s face. “If I ever truly stop liking you, you need to have a way out for yourself. You need to be untouchable by me, so you can leave if you want to, or stay as a good official.”
Ambition could transform a person. Gu Yuanbai’s willpower suppressed the temptations of power, but he couldn’t guarantee what he would become in the future. If he truly became fickle, what would Xue Yuan do?
Just thinking about it made his heart ache and feel uncomfortable.
Xue Yuan’s voice thickened with emotion. “Yuanbai, don’t stop liking me.”
“I’m just stating a possibility,” Gu Yuanbai replied seriously.
Xue Yuan’s expression slowly changed, his eyebrows furrowing, his mouth turning down, showing that heart-wrenching expression that made Gu Yuanbai’s heart ache.
Gu Yuanbai looked at him for a moment, then leaned in to kiss Xue Yuan’s brow, whispering, “Xue Jiuyou, I once told your father something. The world is mine, and you are my person. What you do is not for yourself but for me. I don’t trust anyone else; no one else sees the world as you do.”
His voice, like the moonlight, rippled gently. “Go with peace of mind, return safely. I’ll be waiting in the capital for you to tell me about the foreign lands and bring me little things from various countries.”
“Go, and when you return, no one will impeach you for staying in the palace at night,” Gu Yuanbai said softly. “I won’t have to worry about your future because you’ll always find a way to stay by my side, right?”
Xue Yuan replied, “Yes.”
I’ll always find a way to stay by your side.
Gu Yuanbai kissed him lovingly. “Under the heavens, all lands are the king’s; within the seas, all are the king’s subjects. As long as Great Heng exists, so do I. Go with confidence, I’ll always be here.”
Xue Yuan hugged him tightly and kissed him back.
***
The following February, with spring grass sprouting, preparations for both the maritime and overland Silk Roads were complete. That day, crowds gathered along the streets, an unprecedented grand spectacle.
An army of five thousand soldiers, ten thousand horses, and countless carriages loaded with goods to be traded were ready, accompanied by three thousand voluntary merchants. Amidst the drumbeats, people fervently bid farewell to those embarking on the Silk Road.
Gu Yuanbai was there to see Xue Yuan off.
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This dynamic could go wrong in many ways but man! these two sure know how to tug at my heart strings. Once realised, they are both upfront and decisive. Stubborn but understanding at the same time. I just love them so much!